Captain Holt Quotes Page 1 of 9

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Quote from the episode Undercover

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

4.7

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Captain Holt: Coat! Coat! Jacket! Coat! Is this a police precinct or a Turkish bazaar?

4.7

Quote from the episode The Mole

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch is circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

4.7

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Captain Holt: I threw away the photo because I think it's ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall.
Amy: Oh.
Captain Holt: But you would have me hang a Baroque oil painting of myself like I'm a North Korean dictator. What, no ornate gold frame? Why am I not astride my noble steed, clad in armor?
Amy: We could add a horse.

4.7

Quote from the episode New Captain

Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?

4.7

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Captain Holt: Police approval ratings are - pardon my language - in the commode.

4.7

Quote from the episode 48 Hours

Terry: He makes me feel so small!
Raymond: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man!
Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

4.6

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

4.6

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

4.6

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Captain Holt: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Jake: Yes.
Captain Holt: I was hula hooping.
Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Captain Holt: I've mastered all the moves.
The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Captain Holt: Because no one will ever believe you.
Jake: You sick son of a bitch.

4.6

Quote from the episode New Captain

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

4.6

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Captain Holt: Yes, this is unfortunate, but let's not overreact to one grafito.

4.6

Quote from the episode Tactical Village

Jake: It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.
Captain Holt: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Mole

Deputy Chief Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?
Deputy Chief Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.
Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Mole

Captain Holt: Please don't joke around in there. I know you're used to riffing with me, but Internal Affairs detectives rarely have my sense of humor.

4.5

Quote from the episode Payback

Captain Holt: He was a great partner. Smart, loyal. Homophobic but not racist. In those days that was pretty good.

4.5

Quote from the episode Undercover

Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to lighten the mood. The squad's been stressed since these drills started. Plus, you ordered me to act like a seven year old. Seven year olds like to have fun.
Captain Holt: That's true. When I was seven, I used to sneak into my father's office to see his collection of antique globes.

4.4

Quote from the episode Stakeout

Captain Holt: Wuntchtime is over. Boom! Did it both ways. No regrets.

4.4

Quote from the episode Undercover

Captain Holt: Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.

4.4

Quote from the episode Halloween II

Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Franz Bluheim plays the flute.

4.4

Quote from the episode Chocolate Milk

Captain Holt: Good news is our evaluation will be done by Deputy Chief Brandt. We have a good rapport. He was once my captain.
Boyle: So he's kinda like our grand-captain?
Captain Holt: That is amazingly funny.

4.3

Quote from the episode Halloween II

Captain Holt: Just to clarify. If you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
Jake: Correct.
Captain Holt: I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs. We have reached an accord.

4.3

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Captain Holt: You're a grown man, sergeant. Strong like an Oak.
Terry: That's a pretty good tree.
Captain Holt: It's a mighty tree!

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Terry: What did the official say when you got married?
Captain Holt: Not much. When gay marriage was legalized, we're not sure if or when it was going to be struck down, so speed was of the essence.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Minister: So, do you Kevin-
Kevin:Yes.
Minister: And do you-
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes. We do. We're married.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Captain Holt: Maybe I should wing it. Love, it sustains you. It's like oatmeal.
Terry: Okay. Okay. Not bad for winging it.
Captain Holt: I lied. Took me two hours to write that.

4.3

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Sergeant Jeffords: Joining us for lunch, Sir?
Captain Holt: Oh, no, I've already consumed the required calories for this day period.
Rosa: Yummy.

4.3

Quote from the episode Full Boyle

Captain Holt: I'll work on my speech. How's this for an opening joke?
"You know what the toughest part of being a gay black police officer is?
The discrimination."
I believe that's what you call observational humor.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Funeral

Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Holt: Maybe the old Holt did.
But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.
Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Road Trip

Charles: Try being more descriptive. I know you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Why?
Captain Holt: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost effective, and they're so simple a child could make them.

4.3

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