Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?
Madeline Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.
Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Captain Holt: I do not have a problem. If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes, I will play Kwazy Cupcakes. Kwazy is a difficult word to say in anger, but I think I've made my feelings clear.

Seamus Murphy: You ever want to do business again, my door is always open.
Captain Holt: Well, you should close it, lest you get moths. Good day.

Sergeant Jeffords: Joining us for lunch, Sir?
Captain Holt: Oh, no, I've already consumed the required calories for this day period.
Rosa: Yummy.

Madeline Wuntch: I'm the front-runner for a job in the Boston PD.
Captain Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Captain Holt: Diaz, Santiago, settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having.
Kevin: Let's be honest, Raymond, it's not a tiff, it's a row.
Captain Holt: And now it's a scene.

Captain Holt: You're annoying my mother.
Jake: Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
Captain Holt: I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Jake: Definitely not what that's short for.

Bob Annderson: Okay. There's an agent that matches that description. His name is Ryan Whelan. You think you could ID him if you saw him?
Jake: Oh, yeah. I'd recognize that scar from 20 miles away.
Bob Annderson: You must have fantastic vision.
Captain Holt: Or it's a gigantic scar.
Jake: I was clearly exaggerating. Why do you have to ruin everything?

Jake: You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?
Captain Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

Captain Holt: Why'd you do it, Bob? Why'd you betray everything you ever stood for?
Bob Annderson: I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel. You know what they gave me for it? A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.
Captain Holt: In all fairness, Bob, who spells "Anderson" with three Ns?

Captain Holt: Five minutes left. What have I missed? Professional handshake.
Amy: We did that. Fingers with a half-centimeter spread, up, down, then separate.
Captain Holt: Good. Acceptable fabrics?
Amy: Cotton or cotton blend. Wool is for outerwear only, and silk is for sex workers or musicians.
Captain Holt: Right. Good desserts?
Amy: There are none. If you are hungry, you should have had more dinner.
Captain Holt: That's it! We're done. You've been mentored.

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

Captain Holt: White rice, brown rice. Those are just some of the rices I love.
Bob Annderson: Mmm.
Captain Holt: Also basmati.
Bob Annderson: Mmm.
Captain Holt: Uh, that's all of them now.