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Quote from the episode Into the Woods

Boyle: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Boyle: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Boyle: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Boyle: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

4.7

Quote from the episode USPIS

Jake: Rosa has every right to be angry. I didn't listen to her and I messed up her task force. The only way to make this up to her is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
Charles: Dip your penis in vinegar.
Jake: What? No! Why would you say that?
Charles: In Sunday school they said the Babylonians did that to their enemies. I've been terrified ever since.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Bet

Charles: Truth time. We love your husband. He's a great cop. We will do anything to protect him. And you have incredibly attractive hands.
And you! What are you doing, lying to your wife? Unless you want to end up moving into my ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement with me, you better man up. Don't you ever keep anything from this beautiful woman again.
Seriously, you are beautiful. If he ever lies to you again, you can call me.

4.6

Quote from the episode Pilot

Gina: She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
Boyle: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type, too.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Road Trip

Charles: What you did is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.

4.5

Quote from the episode The Mole

Gina: Damn it, Charles. This is a crisis. Step one: termination. You and I will never touch again.
Charles: Damn! If I had know it was our last time, I would have moaned more.

4.4

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Charles: He is so strong but so gentle. He's like an enormous, muscular Ellen DeGeneres.

4.4

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Jake: Guys, guess who I'm about to see.
Boyle: The Boobs? Michael Buble?
Jake: You're the only one who calls him that.

4.4

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Bet

Jake: Okay, Boyle, you live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement. I'm not taking advice from you.
Charles: I'm ashamed of my living situation!

4.3

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Charles: The boss at the academy, he invented a new weight class for me. You're looking at the undisputed bubble-weight champion.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Jake: Yes! The Ebony Falcon soars again.
Charles: The Ebony Falcon. His feathers are muscles.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Boyle: Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of. So I am gonna go into that room and I'm gonna get that lousy, old geezer to admit on camera that he robbed those banks.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Boyle: I thought he was faking it. I wanted to splash the lies out of him.

4.3

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Boyle: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Boyle: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Boyle: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

4.3

Quote from the episode Beach House

Charles: Mommy is out of town and we are gonna party!
Gina: You call your ex-wife Mommy?
Charles: Not conciously.

4.3

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Boyle: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Boyle: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Boyle: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Jake: Hey, donut holes. Don't mind if I do.
Eurgh! Fish? Fish donuts, Boyle? What is wrong with you?
Boyle: It's takoyaki. I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls.

4.3

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Terry: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

4.2

Quote from the episode Det. Dave Majors

Gina: Yeah, but what's his body like on a scale of Charles to Terry?
Boyle: Sorry, buddy.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I'm the ten!
Boyle: Sure you are.

4.2

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Boyle: I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like her a little bit.
Jake: You doodled your wedding invitation.
Boyle: No, that's our joint tombstone.
Jake: My mistake.

4.2

Quote from the episode Undercover

Charles: I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive.

4

Quote from the episode Undercover

Charles: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

4

Quote from the episode Chocolate Milk

Boyle: My ears are burning. Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

4

Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

4

Quote from the episode USPIS

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

4

Quote from the episode The Vulture

Charles: What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.

4

Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Charles: All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.
Gina: Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one testicle?
Charles: Wouldn't you like to know?

4

Quote from the episode Charges and Specs

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry about your hand.
Charles: Thanks. It makes it really hard to manipulate my egg sack.

4

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