Charles: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Charles: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Charles: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

Jake: I say we use those meetings to figure out why she's really here. She may seem perfect, but I guarantee there's a "but." And I'm gonna find that "but" and drill down on it.
Charles: Come on, man. You have to know how that sounds.
Jake: Shut up, cool Charles. I hate this new dynamic.

Charles: Hello? You know what, I'm trying to keep this line open, so I don't have time for your bull crap. Good-bye, Mom.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Charles: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

Sergeant Jeffords: Ugh, all this paperwork is gonna straight-up kill me. How are you so chipper?
Charles: Oh, simple. I eat a cacao nib every time I close a case.
Sergeant Jeffords: A what?
Charles: A cacao nib. They're these happy little chocolaty delights from deep in the Peruvian rain forest.
Here, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I look like a man who snacks?
Charles: You look like eight circles with suspenders on.

Charles: It looks like the perp knew what he was after. All he took was a shipment of thousand-dollar limited edition Weezies designed by Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's Lil.
Charles: Oh, like Lillian.
Jake: No.
Charles: Lillian Wayne.

Gina: Whatcha doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man?

Attorney: How do we know those were drugs? Please back that tape up.
Charles: No! Objection!
Judge: On what grounds?
Charles: That's my penis?
Judge: Overruled.

Charles: You're useless. You are completely useless. You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen. And I am including that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the bombs.

Amy: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night-
Charles: Pillow talk alert. Set the scene, spooning or face to face?
Jake: Charles.
Charles: Spooning.

Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Charles: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.

Amy: I understand, but we've been watching Hawkins for a month, and we have nothing to connect her to the robberies. Maybe we should pursue other routes.
Charles: Um, some of us are already pursuing other routes, Amy. [flashback] "This is Charles Boyle, and you're listening to A God in Shackles. This podcast is brought to you by Fun Frames, make your spectacles a spectacle."
Amy: And how is your podcast supposed to get Jake out of prison?
Charles: I lay out the facts, people see he was framed. I build an audience. I get a celebrity listener. It's Debra Messing. She tweets a link. Now Sean Hayes is involved.

Charles: No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.
Jake: I don't like it.
Charles: Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.