Charles: I can't see anything.
Jake: Me neither. We'll just have to rely on our other senses.
Charles: I call smell.
Jake: Okay, really jumped on that one. I wasn't gonna fight you for smell. I figured we'd just listen for sounds.
Charles: Pfft, good luck with that. [sniffs] Hmm. [sniffs] Yeah. [sniffs] Mm-hmm.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: How's it going over there? You hearing anything?
Jake: Yeah, I'm hearing you and your creepy sniffs.
Charles: Really? Well I'm smelling a lot of jealousy coming from your direction.
Jake: Sound to the left.
Charles: Smell to the left. [crashing sound]
Jake: NYPD, hands up.
Charles: [sniffs] Oh, yeah. We got him!
Jake: Charles.

Charles: You're useless. You are completely useless. You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen. And I am including that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the bombs.

Rosa: What the hell? Danger just called and said you abandoned him, took information from a classified computer, and licked a roll of antique stamps.
Charles: The stamps were on me. I was curious about how old glue tasted. Answer, like a horse lollipop.

Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.

Charles: No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.
Jake: I don't like it.
Charles: Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.

Amy: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night-
Charles: Pillow talk alert. Set the scene, spooning or face to face?
Jake: Charles.
Charles: Spooning.

Captain Holt: Anyway, tomorrow's my anniversary with Kevin. I'd like to cook him an impressive breakfast. Could you help orient me with that process?
Charles: I'd be honored. Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all. Aside from washing their hair.

Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Charles: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.

Jake: All right, I'm gonna win this case and then we can put my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.
Charles: I don't know Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.
Jake: Then stop looking at my crotch!

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Charles: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Charles: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

Charles: This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight. Title of my sex tape!
Jake: What?

Gina: She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
Charles: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type, too.

Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your twenties?
Charles: You know how it is. When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
Jake: No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Charles: She was, actually. That's how I met her. Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't don't knock it till you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer.
Jake: No. That is no one's fantasy.

Jake: Yes! The Ebony Falcon soars again.
Charles: The Ebony Falcon. His feathers are muscles.

Charles: Sexy train is leaving the station. Check out this caboose. Later, sluts.