Captain Holt: Are you sure he came back to the precinct? The tracker must be broken. There's no one here.
Hitchcock: Wrong, Captain! I'm here. Michael Hitchcock, the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine.
Charles: Hitchcock?
Jake: Well, this doesn't feel right.

Hitchcock: I bet you're all wondering how I pulled it off.
Rosa: Not really, but I guess that's the tradition.
Hitchcock: The key to the whole plan was that I never really retired or moved to Brazil. I've been living in the Beaver Trap this whole time.
Jake: Okay, but what was the rest of the plan?
Scully: Oh, we had not come up with it. But then Bill came by and offered to sell me the tube for 40 bucks and I won.
Scully: Pretty good stuff.
Hitchcock: Now, crown me.
Jake: Ugh, this stinks. Okay, Michael Hitchcock, you are an amazing human/genius and the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Why is your head so sweaty?
Hitchcock: Oh, because that's actually butt skin from a botched hair transplant so there are more pores.
Jake: I can't believe this is how it ends, with Hitchcock's sweaty butt head.
Scully: I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Jake: The six of us will vie for the crown.
Hitchcock: [on video call] You mean seven. You forgot about me.
Jake: You're not a part of this, Hitchcock. You're in Brazil.
Hitchcock: Or am I? Come and find out.
Charles: Stop trying to trick us into visiting you in South America.
Hitchcock: I'm kind of the biggest ball in the sack here.
Jake: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the locals wouldn't agree with that.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery for Jake Peralta.
Jake: Oh, that's me. I didn't order a pizza, though. Someone must know I've been having a hard day.
Pizza Delivery Guy: You've been served.
Jake: What? Come on!
Hitchcock: [on video call] Been there, brother. What did you get served?
Jake: Oh, you. I'm being sued for wrongful arrest.
Hitchcock: No, I don't care about that. I'm talking pizza toppings. The District Court does a great pepperoni.
Jake: You know what? Why are you even talking to me? Scully's taking a nap. What are you doing on there?
Hitchcock: I miss my old role in the Nine-Nine... Hitchcock, the wise sage, always helping people through their troubles.
Jake: That was never your role.

Captain Holt: Santiago, how's prong two doing?
Amy: We're killing it. According to the pedometers I put on the Hitchcock-and-Scullys, they're out walking their beat. And it's all thanks to these guys.
Scully: Hey.
Hitchcock: [on video call] Screw you, Amy.
Amy: No, I was complimenting you.
Hitchcock: Well, screw you anyway.

Amy: Oh, you guys still have lunch together?
Hitchcock: [on video call] Twice a day, every day.
Amy: Look, I need help figuring out how to inspire these new guys. What motivates you?
Scully: Well, I'd do anything to retire and spend the rest of my days with Hitchcock in Brazil.
Amy: Huh. That's actually pretty helpful.
Hitchcock: That's the dream... Scully and me on the sex barge I'm building.
Amy: Ah! Okay. Scully was already helpful. You don't have to keep talking.

Rosa: Scully, I need your help, but you can't tell anybody what I'm up to.
Scully: Oh, not a problem. I don't talk to anyone but Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] And nobody where I am even speaks English.
Rosa: Where are you?
Hitchcock: Brazil, baby! I got conned by a cam girl, but it turns out, I love it here.

Scully: Hey, Amy, can we have a second?
Amy: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of something, you [long bleep]!
Hitchcock: Oh yeah? Well [bleep] yourself!

Scully: Guys, stop wasting time. Headlamps on!
Hitchcock: We have to engage in blackout protocol.
Jake: I'm surprised, those guys are really springing into action. Nope, they're just eating all the food in the fridge before it goes bad.
Hitchcock: There's a dozen sandwiches here, I don't know what kind.
Scully: I'll figure it out later. Just start chewing.
Jake: Yeah, they suck.

Hitchcock: Can you believe this, Scully? Looks like we're the only responsible people who show up on time anymore.
Scully: And they're always calling us lazy, but where are they now? I don't see them.
Hitchcock: [clapping] They're not here.
Scully: But you know who is? Hitchcock and Scully.
Hitchcock: The oafs.
Scully: The bozos.
Hitchcock: The...
Jake: Idiots! What are you doing here? The building's being fumigated. There were so many emails.
Scully: There were? We didn't... [passes out]
Hitchcock: Lightweight.
Jake: That's your takeaway?

Hitchcock: Please, don't go looking for that witness.
Amy: We're just trying to fix your screw-up.
Scully: We didn't screw up. The witness gave us his name, but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented.
Rosa: So he's scared to show up to testify at the courthouse because he didn't want to be detained by ICE.
Amy: Damn it.
Hitchcock: You know, that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops.
Rosa: Yeah, we know that. We're just surprised that you know that.
Scully: That's insulting. I'm very concerned with immigration issues.
Hitchcock: And I've dated my fair share of spicy...
Rosa: No!
Amy: Scully said the nice thing. You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock.

Amy: Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything. Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper. We're golden.
Rosa: Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down the witness' name or contact info.
Amy: What? No, that's insane. Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Dumb? Excuse me. I don't need this crap. I could be on the beach in Figi right now.

Amy: If we go to court, we're gonna need the witness to testify. But now, we have no way of contacting him. So there's no case. How could you not take down the witness' contact info?
Hitchcock: Well, unlike you dorks, we don't do everything "by the book."
Scully: We play by our own rules.
Hitchcock: And we get results.
Amy: No! You don't! That's why we're here!

Charles: The mastermind was ADA Greene. He didn't have enough evidence for the case. He was afraid he was gonna lose and needed someone to blame it on.
Captain Holt: Whom did he work with... Obviously someone who knew about the pranks and that Amy called Jake "babe."
Charles: Excellent question, Captain. It took a little digging to find that out, but I pulled some personnel files and combed through some social media. Do you know what Greene's wife's maiden name is?
Hitchcock: Duchovny?
Charles: No.
Hitchcock: Zappa.
Charles: No.
Hitchcock: Fagerbakke.
Charles: No, Booth.

Scully: We barely got to know her.
Hitchcock: And now we never will.
Charles: I feel so bad for them, but what do you say to someone that's suffered this kind of loss?
Amy: I mean, it's kind of on them for not checking the voltage on a machine that has a built in air-fryer.
Hitchcock: Don't blame the victim, Amy.