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Quote from the episode The Vulture

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

4.8

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

4.7

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Okay, we don't have much time. The Captain's in the bathroom and we all know how efficient he is in there.

4.6

Quote from the episode Undercover

Jake: Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.

4.5

Quote from the episode Christmas

Raymond: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Jake: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right 'cause it threatens death!

4.5

Quote from the episode Tactical Village

Jake: When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.

4.5

Quote from the episode Pilot

Jake: Captain, hey. Welcome to the murder.

4.5

Quote from the episode The Party

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

4.5

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Jake: I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?

4.5

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Jake: Boyle, they found one of the stole paintings at her house.
Boyle: But she says she didn't know how it ended up there.
She's being set up.
Jake: Framed! Art joke. Continue.

4.5

Quote from the episode The Slump

Captain Holt: Peralta, where are we on the Adams St. burglary?
Jake: We are very close, Captain, aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads. So in conclusion, not at all close.

4.4

Quote from the episode Christmas

Jake: And a very Merry Christmas to you, Captain. Ho, ho, ho!
Deputy Chief Gerber: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.
Jake: Oh, I really came in here with the wrong energy.

4.4

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture: the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

4.4

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Terry: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

4.4

Quote from the episode Undercover

Jake: So, now that we are alone. I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
Amy: Oh my god, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
Jake: Oh, yeah. First ballot. It was right up there with Slyvester Stools and Janet Stalkmuncher.

4.3

Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia

Terry: Have you ever thought about going with your non-work interests? On my first date with my wife, all we did was talk about our mutual love of Meat Loaf. The singer, not the food.
Jake: Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.

4.3

Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia

Jake: Full disclosure, your honor. Last night, Ms. Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.
Judge: Colitis?
Sophia: Coitus.
Jake: Yeah, that.

4.3

Quote from the episode Stakeout

Jake: "Drop house", a perfect name for a porta-potty. As soon as we get out of here, I am taking that to Shark Tank.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Slump

Jake: I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.
Hitchcock: You had me at "no paperwork".
Jake: That was the very end of the sentence.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta?! You just blew my cover!
Jake: Or did I save your life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Or did you compromise an investigation and piss off a superior officer?!
Jake: I'm sensing from your tone it's that one.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Party

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Party

Jake: What is going on out there? We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt as "hilarious." I am flummoxed! That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!

4.3

Quote from the episode The Apartment

Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home binge-watching media content.
Jake: Oh, I just started the second season of Media Content. No spoilers!

4.3

Quote from the episode Fancy Brudgom

Jake: I was hoping that my best man duties would be all whisky and cigars, but this is Charles we're talking about so we've got two straight days of wedding planning, plus he gave me this to prep. Fancy Brudgom. It means fancy groom in Danish. According to Charles the Danes throw the most beautiful weddings in the world and the most violent funerals.

4.3

Quote from the episode Payback

Jake: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty/sixty bucks?
Terry: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.
Jake: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

4.3

Quote from the episode Defense Rests

Jake: So I will focus mainly on skiing and Atlantic City when I talk to him tonight at the Fundraiser for the Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders, aka the Chamber of Asses. No wait, that's too sexy. The Chamber of Snakes.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Jake: Let's go free an innocent woman.
Boyle: Nice. My dreams are coming true. You and me getting a lady off together.
Jake: I mean, you know how that sounds, right?

4.3

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Jake: Figured.

4.3

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us.
So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

4.3

Quote from the episode Halloween

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

4.3

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