Jake: Fine, here's my gun and badge.
Captain Holt: I don't need those. You're not suspended yet. You're on administrative leave.
Jake: You never let me do anything cool.

Jake: Mm, hey, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
Jake: [scoffs] No, no, I'm just tired 'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
Captain Holt: Ah.
Jake: You know, squat 400 on the bench push fitness and whatnot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Working with the FBI. That's your dream job, Jake.
Jake: First of all, my dream job is spy falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him known only as S.H.A.D.E. Secondly, it wasn't a real job offer. She's up to something.

Captain Holt: Then we're ready. Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Oh, come on, Captain. This is such a big moment. Say it with more gusto.
Bob Annderson: Indeed. Like this: let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: No. Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Okay! I think we got it. (with gusto) Now, let's break into the FBI!

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up, everyone. We had a murder this morning. The vic was found at 8:45 by a dog walker who let herself into his apartment...
Jake: Oh, my God, it's Franzia! This is the work of Johnny Franzia, my white whale. He's finally resurfaced.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not this again.
Jake: Yes, this again. Johnny Franzia has been on a murder spree for the past ten years, and every time he kills someone, he taunts me. Look, there's a deck of cards.
Sergeant Jeffords: You say that whenever there's cards at a crime scene. You know how many people own cards, Jake?
Jake: Then explain this. Johnny Franzia's catchphrase is "deuces are wild." Now look around the apartment. Two chairs, two paintings, two pillows.
Sergeant Jeffords: There are three lamps.
Jake: You think Franzia gives a damn about lamps? You sound so dumb right now. This is why you don't have an arch nemesis, Terry, because you focus on all the wrong details.
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe I don't have an arch nemesis because I solve all my crimes.
Jake: [silence] That's a pretty [bleep]-up thing to say to me.

Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.

Jake: Who's the anus loser now? [slips and lands his foot in the toilet bowl] It's still me.

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Charles: Hey, guys. I just discovered a new drug too. It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.
Jake: Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.
Charles: Roger that.
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: So what did you mean when you said that you hadn't been to Vernon in 20 years?
Philip Davidson: My uncle has a cabin there. I would visit him as a kid.
Jake: Wow. So your uncle owns a cabin in the town that the body was found. That is quite a coincidence.
Philip Davidson: I haven't been there for 20 years. You can call my uncle if you want.
Jake: Oh, we are. So you might as well just confess now, or we can take our sweet time, like the "ma-jestic slo-th".

Jake: All right, sir. Let me hit you with a little analogy. Are you familiar with race cars?
Captain Holt: Formula 1 or stock?
Jake: That's already way more than I know about it.

Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Jake: Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink eight cups of water every month.
Sergeant Jeffords: A day.
Jake: Sarge, come on. This is not the time for jokes.

Captain Julie Kim: [o.s.] Hello?
Captain Holt: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape? In here.