Jake Quotes Page 11 of 160

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Quote from the episode The Box

Jake: That's okay. I have no questions. That's right. I'm about to monologue, son.

Quote from the episode Captain Latvia

Jake: Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. How you doing?
Nikolaj Boyle: Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?
Jake: You bet I do.
Genevieve: The potato really brings out the vinegar.
Jake: Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

Quote from the episode Cop-Con

Captain Holt: I wanna show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Captain Holt: That's not what I wanted to- You drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: Hello, everyone. My name is Roger Strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening. So many faces to look at. I won a radio contest, and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool, old, Greek things. Our first item up for bid is lot number 344. It is this old "vase," "vahs" if you're nasty. It was made in the year five and depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs. And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat. So let's start the bidding at $10. [all hands go up] Okay, started it way too low.

Quote from the episode The Party

Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.

Quote from the episode Captain Latvia

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Jake: Who's the anus loser now? [slips and lands his foot in the toilet bowl] It's still me.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Quote from the episode Casecation

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away

Quote from the episode The Fugitive (Part 1)

Captain Holt: Nice work, men. You can put your perp in holding with the other three convicts.
Jake: Wait. Other three?
Captain Holt: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
Amy: That's right. It's three to one. Guess you won't be needing this anymore since you'll be moving in with me.
Jake: My towel.
Amy: Yeah, your towel. [tries to ignite it with a lighter] Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries. The towel lives, and so do we!

Quote from the episode Your Honor

Jake: Final question. Is this little Raymond's macaroni art?
Laverne Holt: No, that's a macaroni infographic he made about educational spending during the Johnson administration.
Jake: Oh, of course it is. I love it.

Quote from the episode Cop-Con

Jake: Attention, our boss is headed this way. Everyone has to clear the hallway right now.
[The crowd grumbles]
Amy: Shh!
[The crowd is silent]
Charles: [whispering] Wow, she is great at shushing.
Jake: I know, she's like a librarian.
Rosa: You mean, like a sexy librarian?
Jake: No, a regular one.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Jake: So the heist is actually going to be the perfect goodbye.
Amy: What does that mean?
Jake: Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns. And the whole heist ends up with everyone at the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Is that meaningful? Have we ever been there together as a squad?
Jake: Uh, yeah.
[theme music plays over clip from opening credits]
Jake: I'm not sure why we all looked so intense, we were just getting falafel.
Amy: I mean, that falafel stand is really good.
Jake: True that, yeah.

Quote from the episode Captain Kim

Sergeant Jeffords: Working with the FBI. That's your dream job, Jake.
Jake: First of all, my dream job is spy falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him known only as S.H.A.D.E. Secondly, it wasn't a real job offer. She's up to something.

Quote from the episode Cop-Con

Jake: Mm, hey, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
Jake: [scoffs] No, no, I'm just tired 'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
Captain Holt: Ah.
Jake: You know, squat 400 on the bench push fitness and whatnot.

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