Jake: Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink eight cups of water every month.
Sergeant Jeffords: A day.
Jake: Sarge, come on. This is not the time for jokes.

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Jake: Can you please give me a ride?
Amy: Fine. I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: "Better not bite me in the ass" is the name of your sex tape. But seriously, thank you so much for your help.

Captain Julie Kim: [o.s.] Hello?
Captain Holt: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape? In here.

Jake: Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. How you doing?
Nikolaj Boyle: Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?
Jake: You bet I do.
Genevieve: The potato really brings out the vinegar.
Jake: Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

Jake: Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies, all the food groups.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, look. You think it's our guys?
Jake: Maybe. But this is New York, so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.

Amy: Got him.
Charles: Oh, well, you know, I think that makes it four to four.
Jake: No. No. You don't get credit for this guy. I was in the middle of negotiating, and he was about to give up. Tell him, guy.
Guy: No, I was probably gonna kill him, then let you kill me.
Jake: Oh, my God. I should've been way more scared.

Jake: All right, let's crush this list.
[phone call 1:] Calla lilies? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? I want dahlias.
[phone call 2:] No, no, no. Brown sprinkles at the ice cream bar? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? Give me rainbow!
[phone call 3:] Mini lamb shanks? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? Swap 'em out for some tiny tuna tacos.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why do you keep saying the funeral thing?
Jake: Because my groom gut has a catchphrase. Doy.

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.

Captain Holt: This is not a comment on you, Peralta. I just want to bring this guy down.
Jake: Yeah, that's all I want too. And to possibly say, "You can't handle the tooth." You know, if it comes up naturally.
Captain Holt: It won't.
Jake: It might.
Captain Holt: I actually think it can't.

Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Jake: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.