Captain Holt: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Jake: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right 'cause it threatens death!

Jake: We'll have two parties. A fun party down here with us, then an awkward, uncomfortable one in the living room with Holt. He doesn't even have to know about it. Separate parties.
Separate but equal.
Forget I said that phrase.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, Jake, I love you like you're one of my daughters.
Jake: Really?

Amy: You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.
Jake: No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?
Amy: I was trying to insult you.
Jake: And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!

Jake: Look, sarge, I burnt two hundred calories.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's your heart rate.
Jake: Yeah, that checks out.

Jake: You know the medical examiner? I kind of had sex with her last night.
Amy: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Sex is something that two adults do with their bodies when they're attracted to each other.
Rosa: He's right, Santiago, did you not know that?

Jake: Okay, we don't have much time. The Captain's in the bathroom and we all know how efficient he is in there.

Jake: So you supposedly build skate parks, huh? What are your three favorite tricks?
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, gingersnap, plasma spin, roast beef grab. What about you?
Jake: Ollies. And the roast beef one that you said. It doesn't matter. We're both skaters. Let's move on.

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Jake: Those guys at the impound. Did they really smash my car?
Captain Holt: No. In fact, I had them wash it.
Jake: Ha. Good one, Captain. You can't "wash" a car.

Captain Holt: Boy, you really thought you had him with that one, huh?
Jake: Well, I-
Captain Holt: You got so excited for it. Let me guess, you, ah, practiced that notebook flip?
Jake: Well, yes, obviously.
Captain Holt: I'd like to move on, unless you have any other big revelations in here. Let's see. "I'm Gomez, You're Morticia, I feel so happy when I'm wit' ya."
Jake: I was just spit-balling wedding vows there.

Jake: Amy, you gotta be glad Holt's here, right? I mean, you're basically in love with him.

Jake: Oh, GPS says turn left here. Turn left.
Captain Holt: No, this route is more direct.
Jake: Oh, okay. You do you, Commish.
Captain Holt: Please don't call me that.
Jake: Okay, fine, I'll just call you the 'Mish no wait, Mishy Elliot - no wait, Mish-es Doubtfire.

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Jake: Excuse me. We were just looking for a place to-
Amy: Boink.
Jake: Yes, boink. That's my preferred term for it, too.