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Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Sergeant Jeffords: That case almost killed us.
Jake: But I'm on a hot streak. Plus, we're better detectives now. We're smarter. Computers are faster. No more Blockbuster. Drones. I'm feeling it.

Quote from the episode 9 Days

Jake: - Morning, Captain.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: I'd like to introduce you to someone. His name is Simon, and I hate him.
Captain Holt: Hello, Simon. This is Balthazar. He's an evil demon who spits fire in my throat.
Jake: Goiters, huh?

Quote from the episode 9 Days

Amy: Jake, you need to drop this case.
Jake: What are you talking about? The plan is working perfectly. Holt hasn't been lonely all week.
Amy: Yeah, because he's too busy almost dying. Look at him.
Jake: What? He's just "Beautiful Mind"-ing it. Because he's a genius.
Amy: He's writing the word "case" over and over again. Oh, now he's spelling it with a K.
Jake: Is that not how you spell it? Again, I have a mouth, neck, and testicle-melting fever.

Quote from the episode White Whale

Amy: Rosa, I'm working this case with you. Jake, I know we have a ton of wedding stuff to do, but-
Jake: No, no, no. You absolutely have to do this. He's your white whale. He's your Johnny Franzia.
Amy: Who?
Jake: My archnemesis? Johnny Franzia? The guy who's been tormenting me with a deck of cards for years? "Looks like deuces are wild, Peralta"? Seriously? I feel like I talk about him constantly, but it doesn't matter.

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Jake: Hey. Have you seen Terry? I lost him. His children could be orphans already. Father-less mother-having orphans.

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Charles: The Ebony Falcon.
Jake: No, the Ebony Falcon had no fear. He's the Ebony Antelope now. Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions.

Quote from the episode Johnny and Dora

Jake: Excuse me. We were just looking for a place to-
Amy: Boink.
Jake: Yes, boink. That's my preferred term for it, too.

Quote from the episode The Party

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Quote from the episode Ransom

Jake: Hey, there you are, and oh, my God what is happening?
Captain Holt: I've gotten mad, and now I'm getting even.
Jake: Okay, look, Sir, I know you're upset, but you need to stay calm and treat this like any other case. I mean, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but now is not the time to go all John Wick.
Captain Holt: Who's that? A friend of yours?
Jake: [sighs] I wish, but he's not a real person. He's a movie assassin that goes nuts when someone messes with his dog.
Captain Holt: Then call me "John Wicks," 'cause I'm about to go nuts.
Jake: It's "Wick," singular, and you already did go nuts.

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Jake: I don't have a problem. I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes and jaw.
Charles: Jaw?
Jake: Yeah, that just happened. I got hit in the face with a box.

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Jake: What's the best moment of your life?
Sergeant Jeffords: My wedding day, tied with the day my babies were born.
Jake: Compared to this, those memories will be garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't know what you're saying.
Jake: Because I'm not married and I don't have kids, right?

Quote from the episode 99

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Quote from the episode Tactical Village

Jake: I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face if I have to.
Go team!

Quote from the episode Pilot

Jake: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's just gonna be another washed up pencil pusher who's only concerned with following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep. Morp. Zeep. Robot Captain engage.

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Jake: Okay. This is everyone I could think of who'd want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam style dance.

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