Jake: Look your dead friend in the eyes and say his name.
Philip Davidson: Robert.
Jake: Okay, maybe say his full name.
Philip Davidson: Robert Tupper.
Jake: His middle name's Henry.
Philip Davidson: Robert Henry Tupper.
Jake: His wife called him Rob.Work that in.
Philip Davidson: Rob Tupper.
Jake: Work it into the full name.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.
Jake: Now say it with a frown on your face.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.
Jake: Now try not to blink, so tears come to your eyes.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.

Jake: Come on, Terry. Let's just see what the plan is. Charles, what are we doing?
Charles: I don't know anything about it. But why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?
Captain Holt: Title of your sex-tant tape.
Jake: Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sex-tant tape.

Jake: This whole place reeks of bacon! Well guest what? I'm going kosher! 'cause Jakey don't dig on swine.

Jake: You can't handle the me!

Jake: There you are, sergeant. Instalment one of TBD. $1200 bucks, it's all I have. You should note it's all singles, because it takes so many notes to fill up a briefcase.

Jake: Look, we came here to win and they're not even giving us a chance. I think it's fair to say no one in the history of America has been discriminated against more.
Rosa: Buddy.
Jake: Yes, that might be adrenaline talking.

Jake: Okay. This is everyone I could think of who'd want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam style dance.

Amy: Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn't.
Jake: Oh, no. Is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] Ames. Are we having a baby?
Amy: We're having a baby.
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: It happened!

Charles: Easy. You march over there, you tell her how you feel, and you bring a fancy bottle of Lavender shampoo because shampooing a woman's head is the most erotic thing you-
Jake: No. No shampoo.

Amy: We got egged. Some of shell got in my contacts, and my hair, and my mouth, and my bra.
Jake: Can't tell if that's hot or not.
Amy: Not hot. Egg shell in my bra is not hot.
Jake: Well, it's kinda hot. Boobs go in a bra.

Jake: Sir, take a look at these photos. None of the victims had any alcohol in their apartments. Not even a dusty bottle. You want to know why? Because they were all sober. They all attended 12-step programs. None of them the same one, but they all have the same leader, a creep with a record of torturing animals. I'm talking dogs.
I found the Oolong Slayer, and his name is-
Customer: I never do this, but I kind of ordered rye.
Jake: Ma'am, I'm not a waiter, okay? I'm trying to blow my friend's mind over here.
Gina: Could someone get this lunatic some rye?

Jake: Hey, so listen, the thing I said to you before I went undercover, about how I wished something had happened between us romantically, that wasn't nothing. That was real.
Amy: What are you saying?
Jake: I know that you're with Teddy. I'm not trying to change that. And I get there's stuff I can't control. But this morning I told you that I didn't mean any of it, and that was a lie. I just don't want to hold anything back.
Amy: Well, thank you for saying that. Just as long as we're clear I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen.
Jake: "I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen." Name of your sex tape!
Amy: He's back.

Jake: Fire Marshall Boone, we meet again.
Boone: Detective Peralta. Your fly's down. I made you look.
Jake: I didn't look and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.
Boone: That's not what your mom said.
Jake: You make no sense.
Boone: And now I'm inside your head.

Jake: I found this, by the way. You wrote Mr. Charles Ludley over a thousand times. Why would you take her last name, Boyle?

Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh. Well done. Title of my sex tape.