Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.
Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?
Captain Holt: No, something much stranger.
[cut to] Jake: [slowed audio] You were right.
Captain Holt: I knew then that you were up to something, so I followed you here. I guessed the combination on the first try: 69-69.
Jake: June 9, 1969, the day my parents got married.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.
Jake: My mom's birthday.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: The moon landing.
Captain Holt: Nope.
Jake: Fine, you're right. It's a completely random number.

Jake: Woo. Extreme. Oh, you guys are probably curious about ths. It's no biggy. My car's in the shop so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.
I guess you could say I'm a gear head now.
Rosa: He held on to me so tight it was like a two-mile heimlich.
Jake: Those things have no walls on them!

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Jake: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

Captain Holt: Enough! He robbed my mother.
Jake: No, he didn't. He's her lover. He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.

Jake: Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Jake: What's going on is Captain Holt has an interview to become the Commissioner of the freakin' NYPD, and he's gonna nail it and fulfill his destiny as Lord High Commander of all Justice.

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Scully: In 20 minutes, he's going in totally alone, unarmed, without a cell phone, to meet with one of their guys to set up a buy. So how do you like our plan now?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a disaster, man! We got to stop it!
Scully: Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong with Operation Beans.
Jake: Operation Beans?!

Jake: Ugh, motorcade duty is so boring. I honestly would rather sit around and listen to you talk about the right way to make paella.
Charles: There's more than one right way to make paella. There are ten right ways. You've got Valencian, modern Valencian.
Jake: Wait, stop. I've made a terrible mistake.

Sophia: Well, I didn't wanna intimidate you.
Jake: Intimidate? Wow. Okay, well, not to burst your bubble, but I'm only intimidated by professions that have a moral compass, like police officer.
Sophia: So you're intimidated by your own job?
Jake: Oh, look at me. I'm a lawyer. I'm so good at word-using-itude.

Jake: I've already got my cover story worked out. My name is Dante Thunderstone. I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.
Doug Judy: You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.
Jake: While she was pregnant with me. She passed. I lived. Some say that makes Zeus my dad. Oh! Mythic.

Jake: You know what? I think my Blizz is wearing off. I should probably go lie down.
Romero: Yeah. The diarrhea's coming. That is very common. Don't let the volume scare you.
Jake: Wait. Volume as in noise or amount? Oh, God, it's both, isn't it?

Jake: Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Eric: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.