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Quote from the episode The Oolong Slayer

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Quote from the episode 9 Days

Jake: Medical examiner, jackpot. The gym is full of bodies.
Captain Holt: No, Department of Health.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.

Quote from the episode The Oolong Slayer

Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Jake: Tied to my desk? Mr. Grey will see you now, Sarge.

Quote from the episode New Captain

Amy: Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.
Jake: Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.

Quote from the episode HalloVeen

Jake: The only way we're gonna win is if we team up.
Amy: Good point. I guess my response is ... rot in hell, crap-face! [GASPS] Also, I love you, and I treasure you, and ya bore me.
Jake: God, you're being so mean. Do it more.

Quote from the episode 48 Hours

Jake: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Rosa: You people already know too much about me.
Jake: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

Quote from the episode The Funeral

Jake: And Coho salmon? Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.
-cut to Jake and Boyle at a restaurant-
Waiter: Our special today is Coho salmon on a-
Jake: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?
-cut back to Jake and Amy at the funeral-
Jake: Impressed?
Amy: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.
Jake: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?

Quote from the episode HalloVeen

Jake: Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
[flashback:]
Amy: [GASPS] There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.

Quote from the episode The Slump

Jake: Die Hard is the best cop movie of all time. One cop heroically saving the day while every one else stands around and watches. It's the story of my life.

Quote from the episode Stakeout

Jake: Captain, you're smiling. It's very weird. Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

Quote from the episode The Tagger

Jake: From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. Perfecter than perfectly.
Captain Holt: It's more perfect. You said that imperfectly.
Jake: I was testing you. You did perfectly.

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Jake: Terry Jeffords is back. Chest bump me.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't want to do this, man.
Jake: No, I really do.
Sergeant Jeffords: It hurts you every time.
Jake: No, I know, but I'm fired up and the adrenaline is going to carry me through.

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Jake: Figured.

Quote from the episode The Box

Captain Holt: Look, I thought you had him on the calendar reveal. [sighs] But he was a step ahead. You got flustered, and I realized in the moment we could use this to our advantage.
Jake: So what do you want me to do, ask stupid questions?
Captain Holt: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about "Die Hard," but okay.

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