Jake: Wait. Before you say anything, I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died. No! You won a prize. I'm not getting better at this.

Jake: So, Joe Uterus, what did he do?
Amy: Killed a bunch of stray dogs.
Jake: Name's funnier than the story.

Amy: You can't give up control. You're terrible at taking your primary's orders. You just do whatever you want. I could go on and on and on.
Jake: Is something no lover of yours has ever said.

Jake: All right, fine. But I'm calling in my chit.
Gina: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Jake: No, ch-it.

Jake: That was insane. I mean who else is hooking up that we don't know about? Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?
Amy: You need to forget about Charles, okay. You need to get inside and put those files back. Wow, wow, wait. Why did I get Hitchcock?
Jake: Because you're the girl version of him.

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.
Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Amy: He's leaving. Our plan worked.
Jake: We saved our own honeymoon, and fun bonus, we cheered up Holt.
Amy: Yes. Okay, it's time to celebrate. You know what that means. This B needs a C in her A.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Amy: This babe needs a coconut in her arms.
Jake: Oh, I thought you were saying this [bleep] needs a [bleep] in her [bleep].
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, that was my reaction.

Amy: Hey. I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
Jake: I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rights, I just looked over at you and thought, "You're awesome. And you're good at doing things." I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
Amy: Are you sure about this?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? "Smells like home."
Sergeant Jeffords: He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Amy: Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy.
Amy: Yeah, Terry.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Captain Holt: Santiago's work acquaintance is correct. Tonight at 7:00 the committee is choosing between us and the Seven-Four, although the Seven-Four has a significant advantage. They house an elite gang task force.
Jake: Well, this is on you, sir. I begged you for a task force, but no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike-Team Thunder-Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target.
Captain Holt: You never told me what it was for.
Jake: It's a strike team that kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.

Jake: Pardon me. Did one of you order the hot plate of justice
Captain Holt: Peralta, what are you doing here?
Jake: Saving New York City from a maniacal-
Customer: Um, excuse me? Are those my eggs?
Jake: You kind of interrupted an incredible moment, but here, take that.

Captain Holt: Look, I thought you had him on the calendar reveal. [sighs] But he was a step ahead. You got flustered, and I realized in the moment we could use this to our advantage.
Jake: So what do you want me to do, ask stupid questions?
Captain Holt: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about "Die Hard," but okay.

Jake: Okay, thank you for that Santiago. I'm going to put you down for Don't Arrest. And I'm also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rikers.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband. Let's discuss how to proceed.
Jake: So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin. *Everybody boos* I have no regrets!