Jake: Sorry not sorry. It was just a stupid pencil.
Captain Holt: It was a gift from my deceased father.
Jake: A pencil? Your dad gave pretty bad gifts. Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

Amy: You can't give up control. You're terrible at taking your primary's orders. You just do whatever you want. I could go on and on and on.
Jake: Is something no lover of yours has ever said.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell are you doing out there, Peralta?
Jake: Would you believe that my urine stream was so powerful that it-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope.

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Jake: All right, fine. But I'm calling in my chit.
Gina: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Jake: No, ch-it.

Jake: What is the bandwidth on the wifi here? We have much content to stream.

Jake: All right, fine. If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off.
Context. Context was important on that one.

Jake: You work for the post office. Your motto is surprisingly, we exist.
Jack Danger: Incorrect. Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus". We guard what you lick.
Jake: That's worse!

Jake: Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor: 610. I'm a Highlander.
Jake: Okay, you know what? I'm going to put that in there, and then you're going to be tried as an adult Highlander, and they're going to cut your head off. Is that what you want?

Jake: Maybe just be honest with them. Right? Tell 'em how you feel. Like, you could say, "Mom, Dad, I'm bisexual. But I'm still your daughter. I'm still the same person that I've always been. And who I love will never change that.
And you guys raised me to be strong and confident. And I don't wanna hide who I am anymore. I am bi."
Rosa: Damn. That was-
Jake: "And I know that this may come as a shock to you, but it's my truth. So I hope you can accept that."
Rosa: Jake-
Jake: "Maybe you still see me as your little girl, but I'm woman now. And I know my own heart."
Rosa: You done?
Jake: Yeah. Wow, that felt amazing. I really disappeared into it. Should I become an actor?
Rosa: Absolutely not.
Jake: Copy that.

Captain Holt: Then we're ready. Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Oh, come on, Captain. This is such a big moment. Say it with more gusto.
Bob Annderson: Indeed. Like this: let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: No. Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Okay! I think we got it. (with gusto) Now, let's break into the FBI!

Jake: I was hoping that my best man duties would be all whisky and cigars, but this is Charles we're talking about so we've got two straight days of wedding planning, plus he gave me this to prep, "Fancy Brudgom". It means fancy groom in Danish. According to Charles, the Danes throw the most beautiful weddings in the world. And the most violent funerals.

Jake: Good point, Captain Holt. Or should I say Captain Raymond Sex-Vibes?

Captain Holt: What are you smiling about?
Jake: How uncomfortable this guy is. Jacked up the thermostat, got the table all sticky, made one of the chair legs too short, and worst of all, I had Gina greet him.
Captain Holt: What did you have her do?
Jake: Be herself.
Captain Holt: Poor son of a bitch.
Jake: Yeah.

Charles: Hey, guys. I just discovered a new drug too. It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.
Jake: Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.
Charles: Roger that.
Jake: Yeah.