Jake: How is she running so fast in those shoes?
Rosa: She's too drunk to feel any pain.
Jake: Open up.
Jenna Pazhley: No.
Rosa: You are trapped in a very small room, and we can see you. What's your plan here?
Jenna Pazhley: Shut up, I'm trying to think. If you come in here, I'll bite you with this weird mouth thing.
Rosa: That is a staple remover, and it's shocking you don't know that.
Jenna Pazhley: Sorry, I'm not a secretary.

Rosa: We work in a police force full of dudes. We got to have each other's backs, okay?
Amy: You're saying you have my back?
Rosa: Yeah, I got your back. Don't smile. I'm still mad at you.
Amy: I thought we were having a moment.
Rosa: Moment's over. Shut up.

Amy: Oh, Captain, I know you don't want to talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a math professor-
Captain Holt: No need, Santiago. It's all good.
Amy: So the fight with Kevin is over?
Captain Holt: Yep.
Amy: Because you understand the math now?
Captain Holt: Nope.
Rosa: Because you guys-
Captain Holt: Yep.
Rosa: Knew it. See, what happened is, your dads had sex-
Amy: Okay, Rosa.

Amy: Why didn't you tell me? I had no idea things were getting that serious.
Rosa: Yeah, it's very embarrassing having feelings.

Rosa: All right, I'll take one. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid. What if he's really stupid?
Rosa: Terry, this is Sam, my little brother from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.
Sam: I think it's funny when she calls me stupid.
Rosa: No one cares, stupid.

Sergeant Jeffords: It was eight weeks.
Rosa: I also went to prison, dog.

Rosa: You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.
Captain Holt: Incorrect. And disturbing.

Amy: Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to Shaw's. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
Rosa: A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You're describing hell.

Amy: Now, in true Munkensmat, you pile all of your belongings on a raft, push it out to the icy sea, and set fire to it with a flaming arrow. But since we obviously don't have an archer-
Rosa: I'm an archer. I have like six bows in my car.

Amy: So we're good? You're not mad at me anymore?
Rosa: No. You're about to be real mad at me.
Amy: For what?
Rosa: 'Cause I'm gonna reset your knee. Look at the bunny.
Amy: Huh? Argh!

Captain Holt: Diaz, I've been calling you. Why weren't you answering your phone?
Rosa: Don't have it. I charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.
Captain Holt: What's with the suitcase?
Rosa: Going to Malaysia.
Captain Holt: You're going to Malaysia?
Rosa: No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia. I'm getting on a bus to Florida.
Captain Holt: What's in Florida?
Rosa: Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.
Captain Holt: This is very complicated.
Rosa: Thank you. Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's on the run. He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions. Or adding more scorpions. I don't know. The reception was real bad.

Rosa: She also likes to look up recipes online and go, "Who's got the time?"

Bill: Name's Bill Voss, just got this thing in the mail, said I won a free Bahamas cruise!
Sergeant Jeffords: Congratulations, Bill! *Holds up police badge* You have six outstanding warrants for credit fraud!
Bill: Oh, man! Can't it wait 'til I get back from the Bahamas? I won a cruise!
Rosa: You're not very bright, are you, Bill?

Rosa: Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in Catholic school. Ten.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't know you went to Catholic school.
Rosa: Good. You shouldn't know it.

Rosa: I am dating his nephew. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Ugh! Small talk.