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Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you see? You all want the same thing, a perfect goodbye. But you're all getting in each other's way. We are the Nine-Nine, and we work best together. And we're getting out of here together. So we're gonna find that tube and we're gonna be crowned Grand Champions of the Nine-Nine together!
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Captain Holt: I agree with Jeffords. Read the room, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Rosa: Great speech, Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not for long. I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man us the hell out of here.
Jake: I thought you said that was impossible.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not, I just find it demeaning. It's actually very easy.
Jake: Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: [crashing] Oh, yeah!
Jake: Oh, yes! Now go through that wall!
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not doing any more walls, Jake, we're free.
Jake: Fair enough, I had to ask.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Captain Holt: You see, the whole heist was a ruse for the perfect goodbye I planned.
Jake: I mean, it wasn't that perfect. A real perfect goodbye would've had...
Captain Holt: Sentimental gifts for everyone?
Jake: Damn it! Just tell us how you did it.
Captain Holt: Everything hinged on Jeffords. I needed him to drop out of the heist so he'd have access to everyone's secrets, which is why I set up a fake interview for him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You were working with Williams? But he locked us in his office.
Captain Holt: Which was critical to me gaining your trust so you'd tell me where the tube was hidden.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's reeling.
Captain Holt: Armed with that information, I texted Kevin who retrieved the tube and handed it off to a person who lured you all here and that person was a dog and that dog was Cheddar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. That big speech about how I'd make a great captain, that was all a lie?
Captain Holt: No, no, I meant every word of it. In fact, it's exactly what I said to the real Williams two weeks ago. It's part of the reason he decided to make you... the new captain of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, what? Is this fake too? Y'all need to cut the [bleep] and be honest with me. This is my life we're talking about.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Captain Holt: Damn it, we're locked in. Who are you working with, you coward?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything. I bet this was all Santiago's plan. She's making a play for the tube. She knew you hid it at Doggy Daycare.
Captain Holt: How do you know her plan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Since I wasn't part of the heist, people were sloppy around me with their secrets. I know everything. For instance, I know the real tube is inside that creepy, fake baby doll.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you tell me this earlier?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to be respectful of the heisting process, but that was before I got screwed over.
Captain Holt: Well, your intel is of no use since we're locked in here. Unless you smash your gigantic body through the wall.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not the Kool-Aid Man!
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am more than my muscles and I can prove it. All the locks in this building have a magnetic release in case of a fire. If we can overload the circuit, they'll unlock. We just need to connect the positive terminal of one outlet... [grunts] To the negative of the other, using this circuit board and a low-resistance wire. Luckily, I came prepared.
Captain Holt: Do suspenders conduct electricity? Oh, the gold thread!
Sergeant Jeffords: Now, we are about to overload the circuit. [electricity zapping]
Captain Holt: Bing pot!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you for considering me. Again, I'm sorry about that interruption. I know the heist seems crazy.
Deputy Chief Williams: No, no, no. In a difficult job, it's vital to give people a chance to blow off some steam. That's just good leadership.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow! I was sure you'd be angry. I figured this interview was over. [chuckles] What? There's a price tag on this chair.
Deputy Chief Williams: Oh, well, I must have forgotten to take it off. It's a recent purchase. You should know, Jeffords, I want to keep you here.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want to keep me here?
Deputy Chief Williams: Yes, at the NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hmm. Wait a minute. There's no light bulb in this lamp. This computer isn't even plugged in. And there is no light coming from this window. Son of a bitch! This is a fake office. It's all part of the heist!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Sergeant Jeffords: You made me meet with a fake person just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist? That interview was important! It's my shot to become captain! I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread! I can't return them because I've already stretched them out with my pecs. They've been pec-stretched!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Captain Holt: Slow down. Edward Williams is not a fake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then why was he in a fake office?
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry, he just relocated to make room for the new reform unit on the sixth floor. It's a temporary space.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh.
Captain Holt: Lieutenant. What did you do?
Sergeant Jeffords: I may've gotten a little... heisty.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm supposed to believe this is your family and not the picture that came with the frame? [glass shatters] Oh, and this is a real award? Kapow!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Jake: Anyhoo, the point is, all past heists will be forgotten and the only real winner that matters is this year's as they shall be crowned the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: I wish I could join you all, but I want everyone to know I am not playing.
Amy: Here we go again.
Charles: Oh, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's true. I have my interview to be the captain of the Nine-Nine this afternoon.
Rosa: We've all seen this movie before. You pretend not to play and then at some key moment you come Kool-Aid Manning through a brick wall and win the whole thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't run through walls. I am a normal human person.
Jake: You do have the Kool-Aid Man's exact physique and personality.

Quote from the episode Renewal

Frank O'Sullivan: What's in the box?
Sergeant Jeffords: An early draft of the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Frank O'Sullivan: "Eisenhower, vaccine, side salad, mixed greens." What is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I guess, while he was writing the song, he must have accidentally included his lunch order. Anyway, that's 10K.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh. What's the sticky stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I grabbed that out of the trash in his dressing room. It must be gum. Look, I'm so sorry. Just let me have that back.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah-ah, not so fast. This has been in William Martin Joel's mouth. His tongue touched this.
Amy: [in ear piece] Wait. What's happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's this, now?
Frank O'Sullivan: That is $10,000. And I'm keeping the gum.
Amy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Quote from the episode Renewal

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait! I want that back. I was only selling the lyrics. If I knew about the gum, I would've charged you more.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, a bunch of bunk. You set a price, I hit the bid. End of story.
Amy: [in ear piece] Terry, if we don't get that fingerprint, we won't be able to open his laptop and they'll kill our reform program.
Sergeant Jeffords: Please! I really need that gum.
Frank O'Sullivan: You can beg all you want. A deal is a deal.
Amy: Oh, God, it's all falling apart. Everything good in my life...
Frank O'Sullivan: Look, you don't understand how special this is, so you don't deserve to have it.
Amy: Happened when he showed up. I mean, Jake is only...
Frank O'Sullivan: I can't even believe you worked for William Martin Joel...
Amy: The mostly mature man that he is because of Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: And rummaged through his trash.
Amy: So he'll backslide, and then our marriage will fall apart.
Frank O'Sullivan: So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Amy: And our son will grow up in a broken home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God, enough! You need to move on!
Amy: Are you talking to me?
Frank O'Sullivan: You talking to me?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I'm talking to you. You need to move on.
Amy: From Captain Holt?
Frank O'Sullivan: From Billy Joel?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not healthy to have your entire identity wrapped up in another person.
Amy: I know, but Raymond Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: I know, but Billy Joel...
Both: Taught me everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: But look what it's doing to you. Just look at yourself right now.
Amy: I guess I am kind of messing up this mission.
Frank O'Sullivan: I guess I could use the money for the bank so they don't take my ma's house.
Amy: Thank you, Terry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Thank you, Geronimo Rodriguez.

Quote from the episode Renewal

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, look alive. He's here.
Frank O'Sullivan: You the guy selling the memorabilia?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah.
Frank O'Sullivan: Where did you get this stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: I used to haul amps for him.
Frank O'Sullivan: Yeah? Which tours?
Sergeant Jeffords: The, you know...
Amy: [in ear piece] Oh, Terry, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Not Ready to Say Goodbye tour.
Frank O'Sullivan: Never heard of that one.
Sergeant Jeffords: You haven't? That's weird. Maybe you just weren't paying attention.
Amy: Sorry. I'm on Billy Joel's wiki now.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've done other tours too, like...
Amy: Innocent Man and The Bridge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Innocent Man and The Bridge.

Quote from the episode Renewal

Amy: Okay, this is how we'll get O'Sullivan's print: fast-drying dental resin.
O'Sullivan touches this, leaves an imprint, and we have a mold, Which we use to make a fake finger that will fool 99% of biometric scanners. Pretty sweet, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I thought Holt retiring would crush your mood, but it hasn't.
Amy: Wait. Holt's retiring?
Sergeant Jeffords: You knew that. He said he would tell you when you handed in your reform proposal, and you handed it in, and he told you.
Amy: No, he didn't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, then I just told you. But you're still taking it well. Amy? Amy! [cell phone chimes] O'Sullivan just texted. He'll be here in three. You gotta hide! Um... I'm just gonna pick you up and carry you like furniture, okay?

Quote from the episode Game of Boyles

Jake: Got to say, Terry, I'm a little surprised you're coming to this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Honestly, I need a break from the kids. Cagney and Lacey keep trying to trick me into falling down the stairs on TikTok. Terry can't sprain another ankle.

Quote from the episode The Set Up

Charles: Hey, Lieutenant, I think we should talk. How you doing?
[Sergeant Jeffords holds up a legal pad which has "APPLE BROKE MOUTH" written on it]
Charles: Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Sir, I want to apologize.
Sergeant Jeffords: [muffled speech]
Charles: Okay, I have no idea what you're saying. Look, I know the union set us up, but we let it happen. Your friendship means the world to me, and I would hate for it to be destroyed by a competition to sell more candy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Me too.
Hitchcock: [on video call] You guys are selling candy? There's nothing good here. Could one of you ship to Brazil? [both chuckling]
[Sergeant Jeffords jumps from his chair, throws a drink over Charles' crotch, and then grabs the iPad]
Charles: Oh! You sneaky son of a bitch!

Quote from the episode The Set Up

Sergeant Jeffords: Sugar. [hums melody] ♪ Oh, Scully, Scully ♪ [hums melody] ♪ You are my candy friend ♪
Charles: Boring! No costume change much?

Quote from the episode The Set Up

Scully: Boyle, where's my candy?
Charles: What?
Scully: The box is full of sand. Or maybe it's sugar. [spits] Oh, it's not sugar. It's sand. Is this some sort of sick joke?
Charles: There was candy in there earlier. Maybe it fell out?
Scully: I don't want excuses, bitch! I want my candy! The vending machine is broken, and you're my only snack source.
Sergeant Jeffords: He doesn't have to be. I still have your purchase order.
Charles: You. You did this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Please, I would never do something that childish, and you would know that if you weren't a big, stinky dumb-dumb who smelled like butts.

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