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Quotes from ‘Sal's Pizza’

Sal's Pizza

'Sal's Pizza' - Season 1, Episode 9

When Jake's favorite pizza place burns down, he sets out to prove the Fire Marshall wrong after Sal is accused of burning down his own restaurant. Meanwhile, a computer virus at the precinct causes embarrassment when it prints out everybody's browser history.

Air Date: November 19, 2013.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Cory: It was like taking candy from a baby.
Terry: Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!

4.7

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Let's see. Sergeant Jeffords searched "undiscovered muscle".
Sergeant Jeffords: I was working out and I saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.

4.3

Quote from Scully

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

4.3

Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton's rehearsed sex tape.

4.3

Quote from Gina

Gina: Plus, we already have the perfect candidate already, Savant.
Sergeant Jeffords: That punk who hacked us?
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re her sex tape.
Captain Holt: Get to the point.
Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up. Taller and thicker than ever.
Sergeant Jeffords: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady pay check to get out of that snitch's house. Oh, if I had a mic right now, I'd drop it.

4

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: It's whack, and you know it! Their number one crime is tricycle theft. There's a bakery attached to the precinct.

3.8

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: We work in a police force full of dudes. We got to have each other's backs, okay?
Amy: You're saying you have my back?
Rosa: Yeah, I got your back. Don't smile. I'm still mad at you.
Amy: I thought we were having a moment.
Rosa: Moment's over. Shut up.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Listen to this. Scully searched for how much fudge is in a calorie.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Boyle looked up how to make desk yogurt.
Boyle: Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results. Although the jar is really hot.
Jake: That's gross.

3.5

Jake: What are you doing here, you nimrod?
Fire Marshall Boone: Uh, there was a fire. Big question is, what are you doing here? What, did someone call in a missing donut?

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Uh, actually, someone reported they couldn't find your head. But we found it, it was up your butt. You're a fire man, you should know how to treat that burn.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Fire Marshall Boone: Why don't you back off and let New York's Bravest handle it?
Jake: You know they only call you that because New York's Best at Spraying Stuff with Water is too wordy.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Fire Marshall Boone: I'm not letting you onto my crime scene.
Jake: Fine! You know what? You're not invited to our next murder!

3.5

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Good solve on the Herman Avenue burglaries. Finish up the paperwork as soon as possible.
Amy: Your wish is my command.
Captain Holt: No, that was actually a command. So, my command is your command.
Amy: Well, I guess you still have all three of your wishes.
Rosa: You're not a genie.
Amy: I know that. Uh, okay, we're leaving.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: What I'm obsessed with is how you're bungling this investigation. They should write a song about it called Welcome to the Bungle.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Ray: According to Charles' e-mail blast, it's actually #8.
Charles: Captain reads my blast.
Ray: Of course. It's the only one that measures mouth feel.
Jake: What, are you kidding right now?

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Captain Holt: Why does that matter?
Gina: Because whoever takes this IT job is going to have to deal with Hitchcock asking him how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short-fuse is going to handle that?

3.5

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. How about this guy?
Gina: No, that guy was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction last time the printer jammed?

3.5

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. What was with the flossing?
Gina: A precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-bear. There's blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach and that lady did not have one.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Jake: Like I said, Sal's is an institution, and it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.
Charles: I'm sorry, Jake. Sal's is only the 8th best. I've put out a weekly Brooklyn pizza ranking e-mail blast. Sal's has the 4th best texture, 9th best crust, 12th best cheese, and honestly, they're only 7th in mouth feel.
Jake: Mouth feel? What is that?
Charles: The inside of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the inside of your thighs except with a tongue.

3.3

Quote from Jake

Jake: Seriously, why are you dragging Sal's Pizza through the mud? That place is special.
Ray: Why's it special?
Jake: Because it's the best pizza in the neighborhood!
Charles: Well ...

3.3

Quote from Jake

Jake: And Amy searched "Daniel Craig Hands + close up". Euck.

3

Quote from Jake

Amy: You should talk. You searched for "cheapest date possible".
Jake: And I wear that search like a badge of honor.

3

Amy: What's going on? Did you drive me out here to kill me?
Rosa: I thought about it. Then I put that thought on hold.

3

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