Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Jake: I've been planning this this theft for three months.
Captain Holt: I know, but I've been planning it for a year. Last Halloween, after you won the bet, I went back to my office to do everyone's paperwork, but I did no paperwork. I started to plot my revenge. I began by creating a word cloud.

Captain Holt: Just to clarify. If you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
Jake: Correct.
Captain Holt: I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs. We have reached an accord.

Jake: Those guys at the impound. Did they really smash my car?
Captain Holt: No. In fact, I had them wash it.
Jake: Ha. Good one, Captain. You can't "wash" a car.

Jake: But be warned, I started planning next year's heist just this minute.
Captain Holt: Good. Then you're only three months behind.

Sergeant Jeffords: I never thought I'd say this, but Floorgasm has a point. You're being super irresponsible. You have a batitude. That's a bad attitude.

Jake: So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
Captain Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
Jake: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina! What the hell? I defended you, and your urgent matter was just practising for some stupid dance show?
Gina: Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a Step Up movie.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, is it? Well then I suggest you think of this moment as the montage where you buckle down and take your job seriously so your boss doesn't kill you.

Jake: Scully and Hitchcock, I'm just gonna call you your real names so you don't get confused.
Scully: Smart.
Hitchcock: (Confused) What?

Gina: Can we not do this right now, Terry? I'm in the midst of a personal tragedy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. Is everything okay with your family?
Gina: Family, what? No, this is serious. Floorgasm just came by and danced me out of the group.

Gina: And while I generally nail everything, I'm just having trouble balancing my studies and my passion for dance.
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus, you're working full-time.
Gina: Yeah, that actually doesn't factor into it whatsoever.

Jake: Hey there, Captain. Just curious, do you happen to know what today is?
Captain Holt: Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch floutist Franz Brüggen and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today was-
Jake: It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.
Captain Holt: It's Halloween.

Charles: He could be in Canada by now. There's so many forests up there. That country is one giant hiding place.

Charles: If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to make urines in the toilets.
Jake: Yep, that's how people say words.

Jake: Fingers has grabbed the package. I didn't mean for that to sound so dirty.

Jake: I can't see the tow-truck any more. Charles, how come you're so much slower than a car?

Jake: And Boyle, as requested, you will be the deuce. Although, I still think you should reconsider that codename.
Charles: No. Deuce. It's like ace but twice as cool.
Jake: It is not. It's a turd.

Sergeant Jeffords: School is cool. That's why it rhymes.