Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voice-mail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?
Madeline Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.
Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Jake: I promise I will be stone-cold serious in my interview. I'll even use my serious face. If you're wondering how I'm pulling this off, I'm thinking about the time when I was eight and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.
Captain Holt: Was he right?
Jake: Yes.

Jake: I would give you more details, but someone just came in to try and find her dalmatian coat.
Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.

Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?
Amy: I don't like where this is going.
Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?
Amy: No!
Jake: No!

Sergeant Jeffords: I was raised on disco. Little Terry loved to hustle.

Jake: Woo. Extreme. Oh, you guys are probably curious about ths. It's no biggy. My car's in the shop so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.
I guess you could say I'm a gear head now.
Rosa: He held on to me so tight it was like a two-mile heimlich.
Jake: Those things have no walls on them!

Captain Holt: Please don't joke around in there. I know you're used to riffing with me, but Internal Affairs detectives rarely have my sense of humor.

Captain Holt: You said there was no mole. You said you knew everything about these people.
Jake: Well, it turns out I don't. I've learned some truly horrible things tonight. You were right and I was wrong.
Captain Holt: Goodness. Boyle is sleeping with Gina?
Jake: What? How could you possibly know that?
Captain Holt: "You were right and I was wrong". You must have been shaken to your core to say that to me. Boyle is your most trusted friend, so he has to be involved. Your use of the word horrible leads me to believe that the matter was sexual in nature, given your obvious immaturity.
Jake: I've had sex.
Captain Holt: And, of course, you would be most upset if Boyle were to have slept with someone you knew from your childhood. Thus, the solve: Gina and Charles.

Jake: That was insane. I mean who else is hooking up that we don't know about? Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?
Amy: You need to forget about Charles, okay. You need to get inside and put those files back. Wow, wow, wait. Why did I get Hitchcock?
Jake: Because you're the girl version of him.

Jake: Can you please give me a ride?
Amy: Fine. I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: "Better not bite me in the ass" is the name of your sex tape. But seriously, thank you so much for your help.

Jake: What else, what else, what else? Wait a minute. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon. But then, when I asked her about it, she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.
Captain Holt: No. Put it on the board!

Amy: Look, you don't have to be worried. I will never tell anyone about you and Charles. But honestly, it's not as embarrassing as you think. It was shocking, but then I got over it and it seemed normal. Except for seeing how hairless Charles's legs are. Does he shave them?
Gina: No, he wears really cheap pants, and as far as I can tell he's been chaffed smooth.
Amy: Yikes.
Gina: Imagine that wrapped around you.

Rosa: How'd you get involved in dealing giggle?
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta back this up. After pre-school, did you go to private or public elementary?
Suspect: Private.
Sergeant Jeffords: When were you potty-trained?

Sergeant Jeffords: Now let's go look for bad kids who went to sub-par pre-schools.

Amy: Gina, is everything okay? You never text me. Look, the last message I got from you was August 3rd, 2009. You wrote, "Sup, Rosa?" Followed by "Never mind."

Charles: You take care of Amy.
Gina: But how to make it look like an accident?
Charles: I'm not saying murder. Just talk to her like a normal person.
Gina: Right, even better. Get her to tell me all her little secrets, then if she tries anything we can destroy her.

Jake: All right, let's go through the squad one by one.
Captain Holt: Rosa's very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life. Charles has expensive tastes. Gina has said many times that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Blake Griffin.
Jake: Let's see, Terry wants to send his twins to private school. But on his salary, that's difficult.
Captain Holt: Mm.
Jake: Plus with twins, one of them's always evil, so... It's Cagney.

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. An Internal Affairs investigation? A drug task force that hasn't found any drugs? This precinct's a disaster. Maybe that's why the birds stopped singing. Out of respect for the death of your career. Good-bye, Raymond.

Jake: Hey, check it out. Dog bra. Dog bra. Oh, I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. Here, I need you to slap me.
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna do that, Peralta. [slaps Jake]
Jake: Oh!
Captain Holt: I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.
Jake: It did!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, I had to talk my twins into getting their hair done. There are some promises involving lollipops that I do not intend to keep.

Jake: It's Thursday so Gina's going to leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan, they're the First Ladies of Movement.

Gina: Can I have everyone's attention, please. Charles Boyle and I had sex.
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
Charles: Gina, what are you doing?
Gina: Amy was right. People will be shocked, and then they'll get over it and we can move on. At least this way, I get to control how it gets out. I'm about to Olivia pope this sitch.

Gina: First off, I would like to remind you all about several notable men from my past. The rock-climbing backpacker, the underwear model, the guy who looked like Tywin Lannister. I bring these men to mind so you can appreciate this dalliance for what it was, an outlier. I will now take questions.
Hitchcock: How was the sex?
Gina: Gross.
Hitchcock: The sex was gross, or I'm gross?
Gina: You're gross. The sex was adequate.
Rosa: How many times did you do it?
Gina: 16 and a third. Don't ask, can't explain.
Charles: I have a question. Do you have any regrets?
Gina: No. It was pretty fun. Thank you so much for coming out today.

Captain Holt: I hope there's a lot of drug activity there. Of course, ideally there will be nobody taking drugs there or anywhere else in the district. But if drugs must be found, let it be there. Please God let it be there.

Gina: Damn it, Charles. This is a crisis. Step one: termination. You and I will never touch again.
Charles: Damn! If I had know it was our last time, I would have moaned more.

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Boyle: Don't be mad, Jake. You still know me. I'm still Charles. I just have four extra sex moves. Five. Forgot about "boy on top."
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Charles: Jake, I'm so sorry I lied to you. I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly. But I promised Gina I wouldn't tell anyone.
Jake: You kept a promise to a friend. That sounds like the Charles I know. Just like I know everyone here.
Captain Holt: Yes, you do. Although, there is something you didn't know about me. My middle name... is Jacob.
Jake: What..?

Kevin: Raymond, your work life is here. [to Jake] Please, come in. Take off your shoes.
Jake: Neither of us want that.

Jake: You wanna do me? I'll do you right back. Tit for toot.
Captain Holt: I've been on the force for 30 years, and I've never been accused of impropriety.
Jake: Oh, is that a fact? Because I heard you call Deputy Chief Wuntch by her first name and after that, you told her you hoped she got carried off by crows. That is gross insubordination.
Captain Holt: Madeline is irrelevant. Our battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules. You're being ridiculous.

Jake: If you're such a great cop, how come you didn't know there was a mole in your precinct? That's right, because you did. Because you are the mole, you mole!
Captain Holt: I've heard enough! Please return your guest pajamas, guest toothbrush, and guest slippers, and get out of here. It's time for you to be suspended.

Jake: But more importantly, what does the "J" stand for? James? John? Jo-Jo?
Captain Holt: My middle name is more important to you than being suspended?
Jake: If it's Jo-Jo? Yes.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we don't have any hard proof that they're working together.
Jake: Well, lucky for you, proof is my middle name. And yours is Jared. Juice box. Jellyfish. Jamiroquai!

Captain Holt: Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline. And it could sink you.
Madeline Wuntch: Fine, you're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.
Jake: Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me. I put a recording device in this dope drive, so I got your whole conversation.
Captain Holt: You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else... You're Wuntch meat.
Jake: You sure you wanna go with that one?
Captain Holt: Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Rosa: And hey, you should never worry about your kids. You're the best dad I know. Cagney and Lacey are gonna grow up great.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think so?
Rosa: 100%.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're right. They're gonna be twin presidents. They'll either run as one person and trick everyone, or they'll run as two and they'll serve for sixteen consecutive years. It's a damned dynasty.

Jake: Hey, I should've said this last night, but your first casual relationship nice work!
Charles: I know! I didn't even propose to her once.

Jake: Wait a minute. You lied to me? There was no "pizza for one" cooking class tonight. You've been lying to me for weeks!
[cut to:]
Charles: Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching inner city kids to make candles.
[cut]
Charles: Oh, sorry. I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.
[cut]
Charles: No can do, going to my adult tumbling class.
[present:]
Charles: Yes, Jake, those were lies. But the way you looked at me when you thought I was a gymnast made me wish it were true.
Jake: You came into work with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

Jake: We should go there anyways. Her phone's probably off 'cause of dance rehearsal. God, this I.A.B. guy is ruining my life. But I do have some good news in three, two- Pocket donut!
Amy: No! [slaps the donut out of Jake's hand] It's everywhere.
Jake: Backup.

Jake: Wow, there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel. It's like a spy car, that's cool. Here, let me call her. Yeah. [deep voice] Car, call Gina Linetti.
Amy: What is that voice?
Jake: It's my spy voice. Car, initiate ghost mode.
Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Amy: This is a new car. I won't have you Jake it up with donut powder.

Rosa: The task force has made some busts. But we still haven't found any high-level dealers or major drug stashes.
Sergeant Jeffords: But we will soon.
Captain Holt: Is that a promise? Or just another lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick?

Madeline Wuntch: Very visual. When, oh when, will you quit police work and pursue your dream of poetry?

Jake: Hey there. Jake Peralta.
Lieutenant Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Okay.
Lieutenant Miller: Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yeah.
Lieutenant Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows. And keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it. [Jake drops it] Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.
Jake: Smort. Get off dem germs.

Jake: Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.
Captain Holt: Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think people can surprise you.
Jake: Not these people. Here, watch this. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan. They're the first ladies of movement. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget. And Charles will be attending a "pizza for one" cooking class.
Charles: Tonight's menu: Pepper-alone-I.
Jake: And if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I'm holding coffee!

Jake: Why would I be the mole?
Captain Holt: You were just caught sneaking classified material into the precinct. You spent six months undercover in the mafia and have many criminal contacts. You've been known to flaunt departmental rules and regulations, and you are deeply in debt.
Jake: Well, if you hadn't tricked me into getting car insurance, I wouldn't be in debt.

Jake: Kev!
Kevin: Jake, it's after midnight. This had better be about a murder.
Jake: No. I wish.

Charles: Ever since then it's been orgasm city.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Gina: We hooked up once last summer and then the nightmare started again about a month ago.

Jake: Hey, I'm about to sit down with internal affairs. I figure that I will charm them with a couple of quips about my own internal affairs. Talking about my tum-tum.

Charles: Gina and I are casual lovers.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.

Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.