Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

Jake: We're doing fine here.
Scully: Not Hitchcock. He got trapped out on the balcony. I don't like him alone out there, not with his history. I mean, what if he gets up on a ledge?
Jake: What, you think he's gonna jump?
Scully: No, he's just always falling off things. He's got a worm living in his ear that affects his balance.

Jake: And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting drugs using perfect grammar.
Amy: It's not that weird to say, "may I have some cocaine?"
Jake: It is.

Sergeant Jeffords: Plus, the longer I stay out of my house today, the better. My brother-in-law, Zeke, is in town.
Captain Holt: Oh, I remember Zeke. Large gentleman. Calls you Tiny Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: Also teensie Terry, Teeny Weeny Terry Berry, and Little Dumb Dumb. You know, it's that lack of effort on the last one that really gets me.

Gina: I can't believe this is one of the last things I'm ever gonna see.
Rosa: Actually, with Anthrax the last things you'll see will be doctor, blood, doctor, pus, scab, nothing.

Captain Holt: You're a grown man, sergeant. Strong like an Oak.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a pretty good tree.
Captain Holt: It's a mighty tree!

Jake: People love it. Look at that, two painted ladies just joined in. You got to admit, Boyle really knows how to move his pelvis.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, we'll go to my house. Or as Zeke calls it, Tiny Terry's Hobbit Hole.

Captain Holt: I don't always understand Peralta's texts. He's says they're still waiting on the lab and it's "allz good", allz with a Z. Then a box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. And yet another box with a question mark. Then a box with a question mark. What does that mean?
Sergeant Jeffords: It means you don't have emojiis on your phone.

Jake: Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email.
Captain Holt: "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
Sent from my stinky butt."
Jake: I was hacked?
Captain Holt: Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.
Jake: You're very welcome.
Captain Holt: I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake: At any rate, I figured we could pass the time and do something fun, maybe a movie night. Our options are a bootleg copy of the Diane Keaton classic, "Something's Gotta Give".
Rosa: Movie's hilarious.
Jake: Okay, surprising opinion.
We'll talk about that later.

Jake: Scully, I need you to help Boyle. Don't worry about Hitchcock. He'll be fine. I once saw him fall down three flights of stairs, get up, and keep eating his hot dog, like nothing happened.
Scully: You're right. He's the strongest man we know.
Jake: No.

Jake: More importantly, I was not able to find any "heat" because it's more of a concept. But we did find these beauties. They're all faux-fur and all the best brands. We've got Chanelb, Grucci, Stella McCarkey's.

Jake: Oh, sir, one other thing, Hitchcock got trapped out on the balcony.
Captain Holt: Good, sounds like we dodged a bullet there.

Hitchcock: What about me?
Jake: Uh, I guess I could have a friend throw some pretzels up to you from the street?
Hitchcock: And soda too?
Jake: Fine, I'll have someone blindly throw ice-cold metal cans of soda at you.

Charles: Third faction is trouble: Your snitches, your suspects, couple of gang members here to pick up their friends.
Permission to give them a nickname, sir?
Jake: Permission granted.
Charles: The naughty boys.
Jake: Permission denied. We will refer to them exclusively as the doinkmeisters.
Charles: Way better.

Gina: I'm 23, I'm a celebrity, and today, I'm gonna die!
Rosa: Not one word of that is true.

Captain Holt: Tell me exactly what happened.
Jake: Well, it started with Boyle wanting to say the word succulent.
Captain Holt: Oh, no.
Jake: And it ended with a small riot, in which a dirtbag set Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.

Jake: I just hope that no Amys feel bad that I was chosen over Amy.
Amy: Actually, Captain asked me first, but I had plans.
Teddy brewed a Thanksgiving pilsner, and it's bottling day.
Jake: Bottling day? Why'd you come in at all?

Gina: To Charles, I leave you the memories of my supple form. I'm reminding everyone of my embarrassing sexual past because I'm hoping it's the act of charity that gets me into heaven.

Amy: Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?
Jake: Personal. It's a personal matter involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.
Amy: So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?
Jake: Oh, no.

Charles: Yes! I made number two! I hear it. Why would I ever say that?

Sergeant Jeffords: Zeke is being nice to me for the first time ever because he thinks you're a jerk just like his boss. When we go downstairs, I want you to scream at me. I want you to really degrade me in front of my family.
Captain Holt: And this will make you happy?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's the best Thanksgiving gift you could give me.
Captain Holt: What an idiotic thing to say. What's a Thanksgiving gift? I'm just getting in the zone.

Amy: Jake, what are you doing? This is a crisis.
Jake: I'm trying to keep morale up, because Hazmat said it's almost definitely a hoax.
Gina: Almost? What if it's Anthrax? We are all 100% gonna die!

Jake: It's one 12-hour shift.
What are you afraid is gonna happen?
Captain Holt: Injury, death, general calamity. Just don't burn the place down.

Charles: Very respectful.
Jake: Correct, I am the King of respectfulness, bitches!