Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Captain Holt: He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic, but not racist. In those days that was pretty good.

Gina: Is she crying?
Jake: A little.
Gina: You should be wailing you stone-cold bitch. Now call my other grandma.

Jake: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?
Sergeant Jeffords: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.
Jake: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

Jake: If anything goes wrong, Scully fake a heart attack.
Scully: What are you thinking? Classic angina or something sexier like myocardial-infarction?
Jake: Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.

Jake: Look, sarge, I burnt two hundred calories.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's your heart rate.
Jake: Yeah, that checks out.

Captain Holt: Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Amy: Sir, did you just laugh?
Captain Holt: Uproariously.

Captain Holt: Is this sauce for your chicken or my lamb?
Amy: I don't know. Shall we try it?
Captain Holt: Let's risk it.
Amy: It's amazing.
Captain Holt: I don't care for it. But I tried, and what a story for Kevin.

Jake: There you are, sergeant. Instalment one of TBD. $1200 bucks, it's all I have. You should note it's all singles, because it takes so many notes to fill up a briefcase.

Amy: I could drive.
Captain Holt: No, you don't know where we're going. But if you'd like a cup of coffee, there's an old bakery in that neighborhood. The coffee there is terrible, but I would enjoy the nostalgia.
Amy: I love terrible coffee. Now let's put away Richard Wilcox, that no good punk.
Captain Holt: He's 86-years-old.
Amy: You don't out grow punk, sir.

Jake: I only stumbled across it because I'm such an amazing detective.
Rosa: Who accidentally hit reply all like some idiot on an brunch thread.

Charles: Fingerholes was our idea.
Jake: I do not think it should be called fingerholes.

Gina: I have either two or four words for you: Drag queen dim sum.

Captain Holt: Oh no, something's wrong here.
Amy: What, you think this punk is lying, partner?
Captain Holt: No, something is wrong in my intestine due to the street meat. We must go now.

Rosa: You're back so soon. Did you catch your guy?
Captain Holt: No, he was dead, so I'll never catch him. Also, Amy bought us tainted meat, and now I have diarrhoea.

Jake: Aw man, this is almost too easy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you crying?
Jake: No, that's eyeball sweat.

Jake: Boyle, I need to throw away this piece of paper and I can't move my body.
Charles: On it, Jakey, it's show time. Here we go. I love this. We're like Batman and Alfred.
Rosa: You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?
Charles: He has access to the Bat Cave and, plus, he gets to drive all Batman's girlfriends home and dish.
Jake: Doy.

Jake: Scully, now! Oh no, he's having a heart attack. This is a man's life, you callous bastards!

Jake: Here's what you do. Invite him over. Order some fancy take out. Throw it in a pot and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.

Jake: Fact the fourth, I found this on your desk. It's a list of names. Nathaniel Jeffords. Alexa Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Those are my cousins' names.
Jake: Lies. There is but one conclusion. You, Terry Jeffords, are pregnant. The names are baby names. The dentist an obstetrician. And the money is for baby things, like diapers!

Jake: How about this? I'll work off my debt to each of you. I'll do anything you want. How does that sound?
Scully: Anything?
Jake: Am I the only one that was super creeped out by that?
Charles: No, that was definitely creepy.
Rosa: Yeah, he wants you to do something real weird.

Charles: You can be my god father, Jake.
Jake: You're older than me!

Sergeant Jeffords: No more loans. You already owe me way too much. The Bank of Terry is closed.
Jake: What, are you sailing away on a tugboat?
Charles: Man, I love tugboats.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a tugboat. I am locking the vault!

Jake: So how much blood do you usually have in your mouth when you do this?
Sergeant Jeffords: None.

Jake: My arms don't seem to be responding to my brain any more.

Jake: Do I even weigh anything to you?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it's like holding a couple of grapes.

Rosa: Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus's birthday and I want to do something ... nice.
Charles: Ooh, do you want like classic-romantic or gastro-sensuous?
Rosa: Ugh. Never mind.

Gina: Aww, Terry's pregnant?!
Jake: What? How do you know that?
Gina: We all know. You hit reply all on the email, Grandma Peralta.

Amy: Sir, we could find a public bathroom.
Captain Holt: No, this is a very private emergency.

Gina: Partner? What is going on? Is this a Make a Wish thing? Are you dying? Is it from loneliness?

Amy: We're taking our relationship to the next level.
Gina: From awkward underling to awkward colleague. This is a real ugly duckling story.

Jake: Gina made me call people and tell them she's dead to see how they would react.

Amy: We're gonna bounce ideas off each other. Eat street meat while we stake out some perp. Bond over burnt coffee.
Captain Holt: Santiago! Now means now.
Amy: You got it.
See, he can't wait to work with me.

Jake: Fact the first, after years of not caring about my debt, you weirdly want me to pay it back now. That implies to me there is a sudden, unexpected expense.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or I got sick of waiting for you to do the right thing.
Jake: Not plausible. You have endless patience for my shenanigans. Fact the second, you've had dentist appointments twice in the past two weeks. No one goes to the dentist that much. I haven't been in seven years.
Sergeant Jeffords: You should go to the dentist, Jake.
Jake: Probably. My teeth hurt all the time.
Fact the third, I'm really liking this "Fact the" thing, I'm gonna stick with it.

Captain Holt: Two coffees. Black for me, milk for you.
Amy: You remembered how I like it?
Captain Holt: Yes, with milk. It's just one ingredient.
Amy: And you remembered it.

Jake: Terry needs the money.
Gina: For what?
Jake: Uhm, for butt enhancement surgery.
Charles: Smart. That's a real problem area for Terry.

Jake: All right, how much do I owe the rest of you?
Charles: Four thousand and nine dollars.
Jake: What?! How is that even possible?
Charles: June 3rd 2008, paid for you lunch - $8.45. June 3rd 2008, bought you a soda - $1.05. June 4th 2008, lent you $4,000 for an entertainment system.
Jake: There it is.
Charles: Stopped keeping track after that.

Jake: We're pregnant. We because I convinced you not to get a vasectomy, so if it weren't for me you would have no penis.
Sergeant Jeffords: You still don't know what a vasectomy is.

Rosa: Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.