Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Sergeant Jeffords: We've got to make this place kid-friendly. No crime scene photos lying about.
Hitchcock: That's not a crime scene. That's a boudouir photo I'm having framed for my wife. That's me underneath the mask.

Jake: Captain, quick update. Another one of the Fulton Street Four was murdered here this morning.
Captain Holt: Huh. I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.
Jake: This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.
Captain Holt: You did it before I showed up?
Jake: Yep, that is exactly correct.

Jake: That's not what I meant. No, we have to fight her.
Captain Holt: We're not going to fight her. She's the devil. And you don't dance with the devil because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Charles: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Charles: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

Captain Holt: Maybe we should take the chopper.
Jake: You said chopper!
Captain Holt: Deathblade! Sidewinder! It's go time!
Jake: Roger that, wet blanket.
Captain Holt: No, from now on, call me Velvet Thunder.

Captain Holt: Bingpot!

Sergeant Jeffords: My girls are on the waitlist for their preschool, and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.
Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in, and let them take turns going to school every other day?
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, that's crazy. I asked my wife and she said no.

Amy: Hello, friends. Who here would like to see a presentation of crime statistics as a function of demographics and time? Who wants to see a picture of a dead body?

Amy: I'm in! A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.

Amy: I wish I could go back to middle school knowing what I know now. I'd be so cool. And I'd get to retake all the tests, and update some book reports.

Jake: For the record, you're turning this murder scene into a real bummer-scape.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here's my desk. You can tell by the framed two-hundred piece puzzle my three-year-olds put together on their own.
School Administrator: That's very advanced, Sergeant Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it? I wouldn't know what milestones are impressive to a school's admissions officer. They can count to twenty in English and Mandarin.

Jake: Sir, with all due respect, this is an epic case. It's the reason I became a cop. Hunting down a murderer, recovering millions in stolen money, rappelling out of a chopper with a knife between my teeth.
Captain Holt: Why would you jump out of a helicopter with a knife in your mouth?
Jake: It's called a chopper. And the knife is in my mouth because both of my hands are holding giant machine guns. And that's how it's going down.

Jake: Did you know that my dream has always been to have my picture taken with a mountain of recovered cash?
Charles: And it's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

Captain Holt: Wuntch is up to something. There's only one reason she would let us keep this case.
Jake: She took one look at me and said that's the guy I want flying my chopper.
Charles: Ooh, you know how to fly a chopper?
Jake: How hard can it be? It's just a big fan that goes in the sky.

Jake: Bing...pot! Nope, I was gonna say bingo and then I was like jackpot's better, but then it was too late, I was half way through the word.
Charles: Bingpot works. It's taking off.
Jake: It's taking off.

Amy: I'm sorry. I tried to be myself and they hated it.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately because this case has turned out to be important, that she-skunk Madeline Wuntch has her hind quarters pointed right at it. She wants to see us in her office. No doubt to give the case to Major Crimes.

Amy: Oh my God, did you hear that George W. Bush died?
Gina: Who dat?

Rosa: They're twelve years old. I would have killed to have seen a bag of hands at that age.

Amy: Sarge, you're in luck. I went to a magnet school where I was voted "Most likely to befriend a school administrator".
Rosa: Oh, Amy.

Jake: I would have preferred a dilapidated lighthouse or an abandoned barn, but I can embellish in my memoirs.

Jake: We can't let that happen. Sir, we have to do something.
Charles: Fine, I'll seduce her. I'll just put on my bike shorts and give her a glimpse of the quad cities.

Jake: Oh man, look at the captain. He's pacing slowly. For him that's like a full on rage-fuelled freak out.
Charles: The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still. Oh no, he's standing perfectly still.

Jake: So, good news first. We're gonna be flying back past a beautiful sunset. Bad news, Bludsoe escaped from the hospital and we're all screwed.

Amy: Well, some say Latin is a dead language, but I say it's just taking a long nap.

Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa, I should have listened to you.
Rosa: Yeah, everyone should listen to me all the time about everything.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for warming her up, Santiago.
Amy: They didn't give eighth-grade Amy the key to the teachers' lounge just for nothing. I stocked their fridge and cleaned up after them.

Jake: Oh hey, tell your men if they find the money first, I get to riffle it next to my ear and go "It's all here."
Charles: Already told them, Jake.
Jake: Love you, bud.

Jake: Hey, check it out. Half packed suitcase. Looks like Bludsoe was planning a trip until he got interrupted by someone.
Charles: Or something.
Jake: Like what?
Charles: I don't know, I just thought it would help the intrigue.

Charles: Sorry guys, I've got this in the bag. I used to have to distract her from her phone all the time when we were smooshing booties.

Captain Holt: That's enough chit chat, already.
Jake: Come on. How many people have to die before you start having fun?

Charles: Ooh, I can't wait to read that book. What are you gonna call it? "Go ahead, Jake my day".
Jake: No, yours is much better.
"Case closed, Jake open".
I know. I said yours was better.

Amy: I am terrible with kids. I haven't listened to rap music in three years. I don't know the lingo. You have to do this.

Jake: There's a barn?
Captain Holt: What is your fascination with barns?
Jake: It's where all the awesome standoffs happen. Rusty farm equipment, light shining through bullet holes. I'll bet you at least one dove takes flight in slow mo.
Captain Holt: I will take that bet because that's impossible.

Captain Holt: You didn't want me to fail. You wanted me to succeed.
Madeline Wuntch: That's right. I was looking for an excuse to promote you to a desk job and you handed it to me on a silver platter with your little rat hands.
Captain Holt: Oh, no.
Madeline Wuntch: Say goodbye to the Nine-Nine, Raymond. I'm making you Head of NYPD Public Relations.

Amy: Hello, Detective Santiago, magnet school alumna.

Charles: *gasp*
Sorry. Just point at me when you want me to gasp.
Jake: Will do.