Quotes from ‘New Captain’

New Captain

'New Captain' - Season 3, Episode 1

With Captain Holt transferred to the NYPD PR department, the squad struggles to adjust to life under their new captain. Meanwhile, Jake and Amy confront their new relationship state after their first real kiss.

Air Date: September 27, 2015.

Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

Quote from Gina

Madeline Wuntch: Trent, Brice, where are we with the name?
Trent: We've narrowed it down to two choices. Petey or Paulie.
Gina: With all due respect, that Pigeon is clearly a Ray-Jay.
Hi, Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 Emoji.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain? The kids want to know where Paulie the Pigeon is. I told them he got sucked up into an airplane engine, is that all right?

Quote from Gina

Gina: This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Captain Holt: Wuntch.
Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. You're looking old and sickly.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, apparently the new Captain survived. And his heart attack, not the craziest thing that happened at the precinct today. We kissed. Like three hours ago.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.
Jake: Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You also got a hair cut.
At some point in your life, I'm sure.
That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, we broke a rule.
Amy: Yeah. Hope it wasn't a mistake.
Jake: "Hope it wasn't a mistake." Title of your sex tape.
Oh! Title of our sex tape!

Quote from Jake

Seth Dozerman: According to your Dozer-pad, four of your colleagues have been gathered around your desk for the last ninety seconds.
Also, someone named Norm Scully has been in the bathroom for the last seventy-two minutes.
Jake: Oh, yeah, that means he's about half way.

Seth Dozerman: Tell my wife that I love her ... work ethic.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: So, what is this? Casual, serious? I need to know how to make fun of you.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain. I know this isn't my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Actually, that's exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What, precisely, did you think your job was?
Gina: Ideally, bull fighter, but it's such a boy's club.

Madeline Wuntch: I like what you've done with your office, Raymond. It's cozy. Like a shoebox one buries a dead hamster in.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Light and breezy is how you describe a linen pant-suit. Not a relationship you care about.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Easy. You march over there, you tell her how you feel, and you bring a fancy bottle of Lavender shampoo because shampooing a woman's head is the most erotic thing you-
Jake: No. No shampoo.

Quote from Jake

The Vulture: Whasup, ding dongs? I'm your new captain.
Jake: The Vulture.
Amy: Oh, this is bad.
Boyle: No.
Rosa: Still hot.
The Vulture: I know we have our history. Me vulturing your cases. Me telling you to eat my farts. But that's all in the past. Because now that I run this precinct, things are going to get much, much worse. So suck it.
Jake: No!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Sarge. I don't need to be monitored all day long, I'm not a toddler. This is stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you're not a toddler. Because my toddlers know that stupid is a no-no word. Keep that Dozer-pad on you at all times.
Rosa: Fine, but I am gonna play the hell out of some backgammon. Watch me.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy is dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a game. I'm following our Captain's orders.
Rosa: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever know.
Wow, I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face.
I mean, I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Yes, we did kiss each other. For reals.
Jake: Reals, reals.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So, how do we keep it light and breezy?
I know. A comprehensive set of rules.
Jake: How am I attracted to you? Doesn't matter. I am, go.

Rosa: What the hell are these?
Seth Dozerman: These are Dozer-pads. Each one is equipped with a GPS system and a countdown clock to remind you to complete a task every fifty-five minutes. It also has backgammon on it, which I could not delete but you are not allowed to play.

Quote from Charles

Charles: "Bouche Manger?" Oh, small plates, casual chic ambience, no free soda refills. Oh, Jakey's going on a date.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Not that it's any of your business, Boyle, but the person I'm taking on a date is a girl from the gym.
Charles: What? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about her? Or that you go to the gym?
Jake, avoid the weights. Nobody wants you turning into another Terry. Ugh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! People like the way that I look.
Charles: Sure they do, Big Guy.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Oh, you sweet, naive boy. I haven't even begun to start pressuring you two. I've already written my best man speech for your wedding.
Oh, I'm gonna need you to get married on a farm. A lot of my jokes rely on that.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I'd love to see you date someone from work. Your head would explode.
Amy: Your head would explode! Because of how well I would handle it.
Rosa: Huh, sick burn.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Dozer-pad: You are forty-three minutes behind.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Case cleared. How you like me now, sucker?
I mean, I hope you found peace.

Quote from Charles

Charles: This is not how you and Amy are supposed to end. You're supposed to grow old, and die holding each other as your cruise ship slowly takes on water.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can't put that pigeon head on, Gina. Wuntch has defeated me. This is how it ends. With me standing on the urine soaked floor of an elementary school bathroom in a third-rate bird costume.

Quote from Gina

Gina: I did not follow you to PR to watch you quit. I followed you because you're great and you make everything you touch better. And, I figured PR would be the easiest path to launching my reality show, "Linetti, Set, Go."
Captain Holt: I thought your reality show was to be called "Gina in a bottle."
Gina: No, that was my fragrance line. Keep up.

Seth Dozerman: Hello, I'm your new Commanding Officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
Jake: You could probably just say it once.
Seth Dozerman: Are you making fun of my stutter?
Jake: Oh.
Seth Dozerman: Tricked you. I don't have a stutter. Boom.
I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well done, sir. Welcome to the Nine-Nine. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
Seth Dozerman: And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing.

Seth Dozerman: I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells me how many calories I burn at any time.
Question: How many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? You, female closest to me.
Amy: Oh. Ugh. Three?
Seth Dozerman: Three? Ah, ha ha! Try zero point eight, numb nuts.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Rule 1. Let's not tell any one so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smort.
Rule 2. Let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. We're just mermseep and jinglebin.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s, so it's going to take more than reassigning me to break my spirit.
I'll turn this place around, just like I did the Nine-Nine.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Holy Moses. He's alive.

Seth Dozerman: So, I want to explain what happened back there. I did not have a heart attack. The doctors have informed me that I have a genetic heart condition. My aortic valve is 16% too narrow, which lowers my life expenctancy from 103 to 64.
Sergeant Jeffords: So sorry, sir. That's terrible.
Seth Dozerman: Yes, it's depressing. They also informed me that I carry the gene for webbed feet, which is interesting more than anything else.
But, when you stare death in the face, like I have, it really puts in perspective. Namely that I've been wasting too much of my time farting around, so that stops now. Say goodbye to the fun, hilarious, laidback Seth Dozerman that you used to love.

Jake: What happens when the clock runs out?
Seth Dozerman: "Failure. Failure. You are behind schedule."
Jake: Oh, that's fun.
Seth Dozerman: Yeah, your fifty-five minutes starts right now.

Quote from Jake

Jake: See, it's never going to happen, Boyle. Okay? Because I find Amy repulsive, and she finds my extremely handsome. So stop pressuring us.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, here we are. Officially on a date. A romantical date.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Did you kiss? Did you French?
Jake: Boyle, I'm not going to answer that. And nobody over the age of twelve says French.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Ugh, that's a yes. And you had sex. I can tell because you're glowing.
Ugh, Jake, nobody wants to hear about your sex life.
Jake: You just asked me repeatedly.
Charles: Because I was rooting for you and Amy, but now I can see that you're super serious about this anonymous gym seductress. I'm so sorry, Amy.

Captain Holt: I know you've been working on picking a name for the pigeon mascot for, whoo, several months now. I feel like you might need a breather. So, I've prepared an eight-point presentation on community engagement.
Madeline Wuntch: We'll get to your presentation, Raymond. It's on the agenda.
Captain Holt: It says here it's scheduled, quote, after everyone leaves, unquote.
Madeline Wuntch: And not a minute sooner.

Madeline Wuntch: I'd like to hear Captain Holt's thoughts on a name.
Captain Holt: Very well. My thoughts are, who cares?
Madeline Wuntch: Give us a name, Raymond. Weigh on this. It's your job now.
Captain Holt: No.
Madeline Wuntch: A name. Petey or Paulie. Which is it?
Captain Holt: What does it matter? Why'd you even choose a pigeon any way? It's a terrible mascot.
Madeline Wuntch: Because they're a staple of New York. They're non-threatening and they're everywhere.
Captain Holt: They're carriers of disease, and they eat garbage.
Madeline Wuntch: Name the pigeon, Raymond!
Captain Holt: You can't make me.
Madeline Wuntch: I can make you and I will. Name the pigeon. That's an order!
Captain Holt: Paulie.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Amy was the gym floozie. The gym floozie was under my nose the whole time!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Enough! Look, Terry loves love. But Terry also loves maintaining a professional work environment.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: So, Boyle, let's go look at those surveillance tapes, shall we?

Quote from Gina

Gina: You are a person who will go out their and deliver his eight-point plan on whatever whatever-
Captain Holt: Community engagement.
Gina: Whatever. Even if the only people listening are a bunch of second graders. Because Captain Raymond Holt never gives up.

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