<< Episode 301

Episode 303 >>

Quotes from ‘The Funeral’

The Funeral

'The Funeral' - Season 3, Episode 2

Jake and Amy's relationship is put at risk when Jake gets off on the wrong foot with their latest captain, the Vulture. Meanwhile, Sergeant Jeffords helps Captain Holt with the funeral of Seth Dozerman, and Rosa and Gina help Charles when he finds himself in a casual relationship.

Air Date: October 4, 2015.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

4.3

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in.
Gina: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.

4.3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.
Scully: I don't know why this is happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I love it. Everyone follow his lead!

4.3

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Holt: Maybe the old Holt did.
But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.
Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

4.3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Move over, Peralta! Move over! Okay.
And if I may do a third toast.
It'll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt.
*groans*
Don't boo me! I lost something important, too!

4.3

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: And now for a message of hope.
Jake: Ah, a message of hope, right on time.
Holt: Everything is garbage.
Jake: Oh, no.
Holt: You find something you care about, and it's taken from you your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoo!
Holt: Never love anything.
That's the lesson.
To Captain Dozerman.

4.3

Quote from Jake

Jake: God, he is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bullet-proof vest.

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct.

4

Quote from Gina

Gina: First time back at the Nine-Nine. I really miss these people. The whole crew. Jake, Terry, bleugh. I forget all their other names.

4

Quote from Jake

Amy: We're going to secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin, and then-
Jake: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.
Amy: You get to keep your job.
Jake: Yes, that.

4

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: My tolerance has really changed since I had kids!

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside.
The Vulture: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house.
Jake: Oh, respectful.

4

Quote from Charles

Charles: She's a vegan!
Rosa: What is going on?
Charles: You're right. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know about her.
And I got what I deserved a vegan, a gluten-free vegan!

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: If I might offer a counter-toast of sorts. Captain Dozerman and I, we weren't together for very long. In fact, as coworkers, our relationship was only six days. But that's not nothing. It was long enough for me to know that we had something special. And sure, there may be obstacles.
Him having passed away, for example. But I'm not giving up on us. And I don't care if I get demoted.
I just care about being with you Captain Dozerman, an adult man who has passed into the nether world.

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: Thought I might find you here. So not a big fan of my speech, huh?
Amy: No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake.
And I wish you hadn't kept referring to me as your dead boss.
Jake: Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt, but still was somehow the best of the three toasts.
Amy: Hmm.
Jake: Look, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to get demoted either. I just don't know what to do. I'm all out of plans.

4

Quote from Charles

Gina: Whatcha doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man?

4

Quote from Charles

Charles: My only relationship that wasn't totally devastating when it ended was my casual sex carnival with Gina.

4

Quote from Jake

The Vulture: Yeah, all eyes are gonna be on us because Frick & Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.
Jake: Hey. We accidentally startled a guy with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

3.8

Quote from Amy

Amy: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

3.7

Quote from Jake

Amy: We're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book.
Jake: The Big Book of Small Butts?
Amy: What?
Jake: It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.

3.7

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ugh, it's impossible to find Garmin with everybody mourning all over the place.
It's like they have no respect for our sneaky plans.
Amy: I know.

3.7

Quote from Jake

Jake: And Coho salmon? Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.
-cut to Jake and Boyle at a restaurant-
Waiter: Our special today is Coho salmon on a-
Jake: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?
-cut back to Jake and Amy at the funeral-
Jake: Impressed?
Amy: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.
Jake: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?

3.7

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Can I be honest? Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. My mango yogurt-
Holt: Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause it's important!

3.7

Quote from Charles

Amy: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night-
Boyle: Pillow talk alert. Set the scene, spooning or face to face?
Jake: Charles.
Boyle: Spooning.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: It's true. I'm going to bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be Beer Pong doubles partners by the end of the week.
Now, someone give me a puka shell necklace, I'm going Full Douche.

3.5

Jake: So listen, I've been thinking, we got off on the wrong foot here. And I believe it's because we're just too damn similar.
The Vulture: You do?
Jake: Absolutely. We both love premium tequila. Robin Thicke.
The Vulture: Oh yeah.
Jake: Gots to have my puks.
The Vulture: Gots to.
Jake: And, of course, most importantly, nip slips.
The Vulture: Ha. Let me ask you a question, Jake. Do you also like Okinawan martial arts? Because you left this in my back.
What I'm saying, Einstein, is that you stabbed me in my back.

3.5

The Vulture: Busted! I knew you were faking it. I bet you don't even like nip slips.

3.5

Quote from Amy

Jake: We can deal with this. We just need a new plan.
Amy: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, then date in secret.
Jake: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?
Amy: Okay, new plan.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Amy: Oh, Captain Holt is here today!
Jake: Yes! Genius! He loves us and he's got tons of sway in the department.
Amy: He'll tell the Vulture to back down.
Jake: He'll be all "Vulture, I must INSIST that you DESIST."
Amy: I really think this is going to work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that.
Jake: Oh, okay. Duly noted. Super disturbing, but I'm definitely going to do it.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Charles: Hey, G-Spot!
Gina: Rosa, Charles. Ugh, I missed you guys so much.
Rosa: Really? Because when you left, you made a pretty big deal about deleting us from your phone.
Gina: Girl, that was just the showman in me.
PR is so boring. I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.
Rosa: I don't think we're that dramatic.
Gina: I've been gone one week. Jake and Amy are dating and they've killed a person.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Ugh. What do you even know about this person?
Charles: Oh, we don't know anything about each other. She says she likes that about us. It's just pure, animal attraction.
Rosa: This is creepy, and unlike you. Do you even know her first name?
Charles: Oh, umm, Do animals in the wild know each other's names?
All I know is, Charles Boyle's going to that funeral and he's going to put the bone back in boneyard.

3.5

The Vulture: You know, I've made a lot of improvements since you left. I got a fridge for my protein shakes. I got a kettlebell station. I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.
Holt: I'm fairly certain that's a dog.
The Vulture: Yeah, it was dark.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Charles, it is not like you to have sex with a total stranger.
Charles: Really? Tell that to me in an hour when we've had sex twenty-three times.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: Until this morning, some part of me still believed I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope. This is what I have so far. "Pain!"
That's it.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Thanks. Blessings to you.
Amy: Blessings?
Jake: I don't know. It's my first time in a church.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, my life stinks. Sharon's on bed rest.
My favorite mango yogurt got discontinued. And my kids think their preschool teacher's a stupidface.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: Everyone I work with this is a stupidface. Especially Bryce.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Margaret Dozerman: It took my husband and me years of counseling to get over those little backwood orgies of yours.
He had sex with five prostitutes in one weekend.
Amy: Ugh!
Jake: That's bananas! I had no idea. I was probably too busy praying.
Margaret Dozerman: You said you planned the trips.
Jake: Yeah, I did say that.
Margaret Dozerman: Called yourself the Coho King.
Jake: All right, look. I'm not the Coho King. My name is Jake.
And your husband was only my Captain for, like, a day.
Margaret Dozerman: Wait a second. Are you the Jake that killed him?
Jake: No, I'm prostitute Jake. I love prostitutes.
Margaret Dozerman: You need to go. You should leave right now.
You need to leave right now.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: I have one. Holt saves your ass.
Jake: Captain.
Holt: I was moved by your speech, Peralta.
Jake: Thank you, sir. That's very nice of you to say.
Holt: The syntax was problematic.
Jake: Less nice.
Holt: And your vocabulary is a true indictment of the public school system.
Jake: Seems like you're just slamming me now.
Holt: But the fact that you're not willing to give up in the face of adversity is inspiring.
I love the Nine-Nine, and I'm not gonna turn my back on the squad.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Dude, you can't go through life trying not to get hurt.
You should try to be happy.
Charles: So you think I should look for someone I can have emotional intercourse with?
Rosa: I wish you hadn't said it like that, but yeah.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: He stared at me for ninety seconds while he ate an entire peach.

3

Quote from Captain Holt

Holt: Just remember, we're back here as PR representatives. I don't want to be disruptive.
Gina: Too bad. We're like rockstars to these people. They're gonna go nuts, be like "rah!", "rah!".
Holt: I would hate it if these doors opened and everyone stopped working to applaud us.

3

The Vulture: I'm going to stop you right there. Hugs are an inappropriate form of workplace touching. Trust me. I'm very familiar with the sexual harassment guidelines. That'll be all.

3

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, well. If it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. Great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: There it is, that classic Jake/Holt banter. Zingers just flying around. It's like you never left.
Captain Holt: No, I most definitely left.

3

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Well, I know you love hot goss, so you probably heard Amy and I are dating.
Amy: And we would love your approval.
Jake: No.
Amy: But, that's not what this is about.
Jake: It sure is not. Sir, the Vulture is out of control, all right. He told me if I don't dump Amy, he's going to demote me. You gotta help us.
Holt: Let me stop you right there, Peralta. I'm not the Chief of Detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR.
Amy: But we thought-
Holt: I can't save your ass. I don't work here any more. And the sooner your accept that, the better.

3

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies.

3

Quote from Charles

Lieutenant Singh: I love the way your butt looks today.
Charles: I've been doing lunges in the shower.
Rosa: Well, this got upsetting real quick.
Gina: I wanna live in this moment forever.

3

Quote from Charles

Lieutenant Singh: I got us a motel room across the street. Meet me there in fifteen minutes.
Charles: I'll "meat" you all right. M-E-A-T.

3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate going to work and you're not there.
Everything is garbage.
Holt: "Everything is garbage."
I should put that in my message of hope.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a really good idea!

3

<< Previous Episode

Next Episode >>