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Quotes from ‘The Oolong Slayer’

The Oolong Slayer

'The Oolong Slayer' - Season 3, Episode 4

When investigating a serial killer, Jake enlists Holt's help in an attempt to solve the case off the radar. At the precinct, Rosa and Amy are forced to deal with demands from an old adversary and Terry discovers a new obsession.

Air Date: October 18, 2015.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Let's not overlook the fact that he turned his crime scenes into tea parties for dollies.
Gina: Which suggests pre-adolescent trauma leading to a pattern of criminality that probably began as a juvenile.

I'm taking an abnormal psych class, and everyone in it is obsessed with me.

4.5

Quote from Gina

Jake: Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out.
I got to go.
Gina: Aren't you forgetting something?
*Jake gives Gina a kiss on the forehead*
Gina: Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

4.4

Quote from Gina

Jake: Holy crap.
Captain Holt: No one can know about this, understood?
Jake: Understood.
Gina: Understood.
What? I hang out in the men's room all the time.
The acoustics are amazing.

4.3

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: To catching a serial killer.
Jake: To catching a serial killer.
Gina: To Rihanna, because I love Rihanna.

4.3

Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, there it is. The shriveled husk of Raymond Holt.
Captain Holt: Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?
Madeline Wuntch: Enough foreplay.

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: Why do you follow people's directions when you could literally pick them up and throw them out the window?

4

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Boyle: But these aren't bad for you. They're full of fiber and antioxidants.
Go ahead, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, fine. Just one.
Mmmm. Damn, these are good.
Boyle: And plus, they're organic and fair trade.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves responsible agricultural practices.

4

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: What's going on?
Jake: Well, Gina said we couldn't be seen together, and I need your help.
Looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.
Captain Holt: Yes, yours is an idiot, and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.

4

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Boyle: I don't mean to overstep here, but you're looking a little fat.
Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: How dare you? You can't comment on my body.
This is a workplace.
Now I'm feeling objectified by your male gaze.
Boyle: Absolutely not. Sir, just listen.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I don't want to listen, Boyle.
You are trying to shame me, and that will not fly.
Boyle: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now I need some more nibs just to calm down.

4

Amy: Well, I was thinking a DJ, two signature cocktails, passed hors d'oeuvres-
The Vulture: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Passed hors d'oeuvres? What is this, a fundraiser for French dorks?

4

Quote from Jake

Jake: I am straight-up depressed.
Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.

4

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Oh, my God. You friended the vulture?
Amy: Well, he's not telling us anything, so it was the only way to figure out what he likes.
Rosa: Maybe this will help.
He just said his favorite color is underboob.

4

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Are you insane? We were just suspended for screwing up this case.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
Wuntch can probably hear us right now. She has super sonar hearing, because she's a bat.

4

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Boyle: I got the squad to volunteer a little bit of their off time to help you and your family out.
I'll make dinner once a week. Everyone else volunteered babysitting time. And Hitchcock offered massage sessions for your wife.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Boyle: So I pepper sprayed him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a good man, Charles.

4

Quote from Amy

Amy: Captain Holt? This can't be real. Someone please see him before I punch myself in the face.

4

Jake: Captain, we all want you to win that bet, but do you think maybe we could keep a few real cases?
The Vulture: Look, I'm gonna keep it real simple for you.
We only solve misdemeanors, wieners.
Say it.

3.7

Quote from Amy

Amy: Unbelievable. What a waste of time.
Rosa: Disagree. This is an amazing use of time. We have complete control over that dummy's birthday party. We can ruin it.
Amy: Yeah, fun. I'll just mess up a captain's orders on purpose. It'll be so - I can't even fake it.

3.7

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Your hard work just paid off.
Amy: The vulture is in a band? "Fantastic Jack and the Junkyard Rats."
Rosa: Just when I thought he couldn't be any more the worst, he out the worsts himself.

3.7

Quote from Gina

Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see Holt side with the vulture and Wuntch.
Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4:00 p.m.
Gina: Oh, honey. We're well into October.

3.7

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Hiring him to play his own party is straight-up brilliant.
Amy: Yep, because everything he does is a prank on himself.
Rosa: Wow, you're an evil genius. Next time I want to hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you.
Amy: Aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

3.7

The Vulture: All right, ladies. I don't have a lot of time here, so what's say you act like Boyle's mom and debrief me?

3.5

The Vulture: It's because I got a bet going with the captain of the A4 to see whose squad can solve the most cases.
Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the loser, and guess what I'm getting him.
Jake: Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian Devil?
The Vulture: No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo. Man, you're really stupid in the morning, aren't you?

3.5

The Vulture: Congratulations. You just called yourself wieners. Dismissed.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Good morning.
Captain Holt: For whom?
Gina: For you-m.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Madeline Wuntch: We need to choose a phrase to replace the phrase "task force." Our research suggests it's too aggressive.
Gina: What? I like it. Task force sounds like some sort of body spray for hot dudes.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Look at these photos.
Perp came in through the back window, set up the living room to look like a kid's tea party, didn't steal anything. Do you know what this means?
Sergeant Jeffords: The victim still has their stuff?

3.5

The Vulture: Was that the sound of a juicy file I heard plopping down on Peralta's desk? Yeah, it was. You just lost your overtime privileges for the month.
Everybody, listen up.
Anyone caught working on a case that I didn't assign loses their overtime.
Capooch?

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, baby, I can pick up the crib, right after I get the groceries and before I start painting the nursery.
Yeah, I can draw a cloud.
I don't need a stencil.
Okay, I'll get the stencil.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Ugh, all this paperwork is gonna straight-up kill me. How are you so chipper?
Boyle: Oh, simple. I eat a cacao nib every time I close a case.
Sergeant Jeffords: A what?
Boyle: A cacao nib. They're these happy little chocolaty delights from deep in the Peruvian rain forest.
Here, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I look like a man who snacks?
Boyle: You look like eight circles with suspenders on.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, copy that. Loud and clear. Don't want to cause a problem.
I will straight-up skedaddle with no further a-do-do.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: The Oolong Slayer.
He's back.
Jake: I knew you would confirm my hunch.
He's back to his cool-ass psycho ways.
Great news, right? Aside from a serial killer being on the loose.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: What's your plan?
Jake: I'm gonna work the case in secret.
Captain Holt: Wrong. We're gonna work the case in secret.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: If I recall correctly, the Oolong Slayer last struck five years ago.
He left behind no DNA or fingerprints, but he did leave his calling card, a tea bag in his victim's mouth.
Jake: Yeah, how cool - I mean awful is that?
Captain Holt: Very cool - I mean awful.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: What's our strategy?
Jake: One, reexamine all the task force's files. Two, check all B&Es against the slayer's M.O. And three, think of something super cool to say when we arrest him.
My leading contender? "You're going to jail for oolong time."
Gina: Jake, that's really good.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Now, before we begin in earnest, I'd like to propose a toast.
Jake: *gasps* That's what globes are for.
Captain Holt: A 25-year-old port seems appropriate.
I would have gone 10.
I don't know what port is.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Case closed.
What time is it? That's right, it's nib o'clock.
Whoo, new case, new nib.
Read 20 words, that's a nib.
Hmm, that nib was kind of small.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Boyle: Hey, sarge? You may want to slow down on those things.
Sergeant Jeffords: Things? These are the precious jewels of the rain forest, Boyle.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Gina: Jake, dope alley!
Jake: I know. I think this is where Batman's parents got killed.
Captain Holt: I'll take your word for it.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: My thumb drive looks like a watermelon, because I adore the summertime.
Jake: Oh, I love that.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is so much fun!
Hit me in the face.
*groans* Oh, that was a terrible suggestion.

3.5

The Vulture: All right, sluggers.
Let's see what you got for the big b-day bash.
Amy: I thought you wanted us to surprise you.
The Vulture: It's a figure of speech, Detective Stupid-ago.

3.5

Amy: So no passed hors d'oeuvres?
The Vulture: I can't even answer that.
All right, tough guy. What do you got planned?
Rosa: I don't know. Meet at a bar and ... drink there.
The Vulture: That's it? Well, it's still better than Santiago's.
Look, this is real important to me, all right? My brother's hot wife is gonna be there, and I haven't seen her since his funeral.
Amy: Wow.
The Vulture: Yeah, right? I mean, you only get one shot at your brother's widow.

3.5

Madeline Wuntch: And after all your so-called detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
Captain Holt: It was an error, but-
Madeline Wuntch: Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta. Except for the juicy ass part, because your ass is stupid.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Meanwhile, Holt won't even talk to me.
How is he, by the way?
Gina: Honestly, terrible. I've only heard from him once this week, and that was to tell me he'd finally come up with a new, non-threatening term for task forces.
Ya'll ready for this? "Do groups".
Jake: Wow, that sucks tremendously.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Can I have another port?
Gina: You're still drinking that stuff?
Jake: Yeah, Holt got me hooked on it.
I even got a bottle for my house. It's really classing up the booze and take-out menus shelf.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Pardon me. Did one of you order the hot plate of justice
Captain Holt: Peralta, what are you doing here?
Jake: Saving New York City from a maniacal-
Customer: Um, excuse me? Are those my eggs?
Jake: You kind of interrupted an incredible moment, but here, take that.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sir, take a look at these photos. None of the victims had any alcohol in their apartments.
Not even a dusty bottle.
You want to know why? Because they were all sober.
They all attended 12-step programs. None of them the same one, but they all have the same leader, a creep with a record of torturing animals. I'm talking dogs.
I found the Oolong Slayer, and his name is-
Customer: I never do this, but I kind of ordered rye.
Jake: Ma'am, I'm not a waiter, okay? I'm trying to blow my friend's mind over here.
Gina: Could someone get this lunatic some rye?

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Sir, we're tracking a serial killer. There's nothing better. We're living the dream.
Captain Holt: That's your dream.
Mine was to run the nine-nine, and that will never happen again.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Terry Jeffords, and when I put my mind to something, I do it. My resting heart rate is six. Six!

3.5

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine! I'm not better. These nibs are just too damn delicious.
Boyle: I don't think the nibs being too yummy is the problem.
I think right now, there's too much on your plate - metaphor intended.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Thank you, Peralta.
Jake: What are you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.
Captain Holt: No, for giving me one last chance to be a real cop before going back to a lifetime of PR drivel.
Jake: Sir, we just caught a serial killer.
I've wanted this since I was four years old.
Captain Holt: That's troubling.

3.5

Jake: I imagine that'll look pretty bad for you.
Chief Garmin: Excuse me?
Jake: Unless, of course, I decided to withhold that information, keep it just for myself as a secret. Tell everyone it was you who figured it out.
Chief Garmin: Why would you do that? What do you want? Your own do group?

3.5

The Vulture: Ah, there you are.
I got something real special for the two of you.
Amy: Great, what do you got?
The Vulture: A month from today it's my birthday. I need you to throw me a party, all right? Make it epic. Surprise me.
Amy: Are you asking us to plan you a birthday party?
The Vulture: Yeah, Helen Keller.
Pay attention.
Rosa: Did you choose us because we're women?
The Vulture: Women love planning parties. It's in the Bible.

3

Quote from Gina

Gina: Uh-oh. Jake, you should not be here IRL.
Jake: Gina, my old friend who I grew up with. So good to see you, and I have missed you so much.
Is Holt in?
Gina: Yes, of course he is, but he's in a meeting, and you can not be seen stopping by for chits and/or chats. You need to leave.

3

The Vulture: You were working a case. I freaking knew it. You're a liar.
Madeline Wuntch: And you. You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up.
Bob: I'm disappointed, too.
Madeline Wuntch: No one cares, Bob.

3

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Gina, did you know about this?
Gina: Uh, tricking you was the only way I could get you to talk to him. Plus, you know I heart intrigue.

3

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: How can I ever thank you?
Boyle: Start taking care of yourself again. I miss those gross, overly large muscles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Lay off my body, dude. I clearly got some stuff to work through.

3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Boyle: Sarge, I know you have every right to be stressed out.
A new kid on the way, Sharon's on bed rest, global warming-
Sergeant Jeffords: This preamble is making me nibby. Get to the point.

2.7

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