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Quotes from ‘Into the Woods’

Into the Woods

'Into the Woods' - Season 3, Episode 6

Jake and Charles convince Terry to take a weekend camping trip as a much needed "babymoon," but they soon realize it might not be the idealistic weekend for which they had hoped. Meanwhile back at the precinct, Holt gives Rosa some important relationship advice and Amy enlists Gina's help to prepare her for an important presentation.

Air Date: November 8, 2015.

Quote from Charles

Boyle: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Boyle: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Boyle: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Boyle: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

4.7

Quote from Captain Holt

Marcus: Uncle Ray, thank you for loaning me you best detective for lunch.
Captain Holt: My pleasure. Of course, she is entitled to 45 minutes as per her union contract.

4

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Things aren't working out.
I don't want to talk about it.
Captain Holt: I regret the words we've already spoken.

4

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Those woods are full of ticks. It's Lyme disease central.
Jake: So we'll get some bug spray.
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus that cabin's probably covered in black mold.
Jake: Racist.

4

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Yes, it is daunting. But I did some research on amicable breakups.
I visited www.ladiesgoodhealthmag.com/sex-relationships/867599904/9432&20.html.
Do you know that site?
Rosa: No.

4

Quote from Charles

Boyle: Falcon one, do we have a go?
Jake: The light is green, tiger one.
Boyle: What are you gonna say when you crash through the window?
Jake: Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
Boyle: Goose bumps, Jake. Goose bumps.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: So I smash through the window, feet first. There's glass everywhere, and I say, "Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
"
And the best part is, there was nothing on my cheek.
Amy: That's a weird detail to throw in there.
Jake: You're a weird detail to throw in there.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait a second, Peralta. You busted through a window for no reason?
Jake: Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was a sealed window on the fifth floor.
You could have just gone in the door with Charles.
Jake: Yeah, but then what would my catchphrase have been?
"Knock, knock, who's there? Justice"?
Ooh, that's actually amazing. Charles, write that down.
Boyle: Already did.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Boyle: Sports bloopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man. Sarge is pissed. What are we gonna do, Jake?
Jake: Don't worry. It's gonna be fine. We just have to turn this debacle into a straight-up "bacle."

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: A minute, Detective Diaz. What's going on with you and Marcus?
Rosa: What are you talking about?
Captain Holt: Your shoulders tightened when he said "baby.
"
Your nostrils flared when I asked what was going on with the two of you.
And you have saag paneer on your sleeve, which, given your aversion to Indian cuisine, suggests you let him choose the restaurant.
Why would you do that?
Rosa: Kindness.
Captain Holt: Pity. You're about to break up with him.
Rosa: Damn, you are good.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Listen, I know I probably shouldn't get involved, but Marcus is my nephew, and I hope you'll let him down gently.
Rosa: Don't worry. I don't want things to be awkward.
I'm gonna send him a text while he's sleeping that says, "We're done."
Captain Holt: Clear. Accurate.
But do you feel like it's enough?
Rosa: "We're done. Good-bye."
Captain Holt: Yes. That should do it.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Lohank? That sad sack? All he does is talk about his wife sleeping with other men.
Jake: No, he also has some great stories about his prostate cancer.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: What's up? How can I help?
Amy: Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together the Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia.
Gina: But never to a friend's house, huh?
Amy: Uncalled for.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Amy, are you asking me to "She's All That" you?
Amy: I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes. Please "She's All That" me.
Gina: Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way, all right? First I'm going to need to break you down to nothing and then build you back up piece by piece.
Amy: Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Gina: Well, we'll just break you down to nothing and see what time it is.

3.5

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: And that's just the beginning, my friend.
Just wait till you're sitting fireside, sipping on a premium Chinese Scotch, and smoking a sweet Rwandan cigar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Okay. I probably could have done without the countries of origin, but that sounds great.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: What else do you have planned?
Jake: Oh, so much. I'm talking fishing. I'm talking poker. I'm talking Frisbee.
Boyle, what else am I talking?
Boyle: Wildflower picking so we can make our own cologne.
Jake: Nope, I was talking bonfires and s'mores, but that's my fault for throwing to you.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: A long, drawn-out breakup is just gonna end in a big scene and Marcus crying. He has so many emotions.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, apparently, it's less painful if you acknowledge the dumpee's feelings.
Rosa: Ew.
Captain Holt: But don't worry. We'll practice.
I'll be Marcus. Go.
Rosa: Marcus, I think we should break up.
Captain Holt: That makes me feel sad. I am sad.
Rosa: Your sadness is noted.
Captain Holt: I feel acknowledged.
Thank you for breaking up with me.
It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.
I think that went very well.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Before we get into your pitch, what are you calling the product?
Amy: The Handless Lighting System, or HLS.
Gina: Sounds like a genetic disorder.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Now let's talk presentation.
What's your opener?
Amy: Hi, I'm Amy Santiago, and my product will make a real difference. It is the Shoulder Nova.
Gina: My only note is, make it 1000% more captivating.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Until this moment, there was only darkness. But now there is light. I am Vanessa Santiago, and I'm about to blow your minds.
Amy: You want me to change my name to Vanessa?
Gina: Desperately.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I climbed back in, and we talked about emotions for 20 minutes.
Captain Holt: Dear God.
Rosa: I know. But I think it went well. At least there was no crying.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Boyle: Oh, guys, please, please calm down. I hate it when you argue. It reminds of when my dad used to fight with my best friend my mom.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, can you see anything from up there?
Jake: Yes, I can Stink Puddle Manor, about 65 trees sunward.
Man, one day in the woods, and I'm freakin' Lewis and Clark up here.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: It's not your fault. I'm the one that made a scene like a dumb, crying baby. I'm considering having my tear ducts melted shut.

3.5

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: It's not the end of the world to feel things.
Rosa: I guess not. It's up there.

3.5

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Wait, are you crying?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.
Rosa: Thank you for acknowledging mine.
Captain Holt: We're both great at this.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Hey, sport. You look a little D in the D. D for "down in dumps," respectively.
Amy: Probably easier to just not abbreviate if you have to explain it.
Gina: Agree to D.

3.5

Quote from Gina

Gina: Without product makers like you, us dazzle-doves wouldn't have nothing to shake our wings over.

3.5

Quote from Charles

Jake: It was a total disaster.
Boyle: Not a total disaster. None of us got sick from that dog water.
Jake: You drank that?
Boyle: No.

3.5

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, bar digested. Mission go.

3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Sarge, what's the big deal? We stopped two kilos of heroin from hitting the streets.
Who cares about one broken window?
Sergeant Jeffords: I do! I'm the one who has to spend all weekend doing paperwork because of your dumb stunt.
Jake: But Terry loves paperwork?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Jake, I do not.

3

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: What's going on, Peralta? Charles says you're going to make me happier than I was on my wedding night.
Jake: Well, that's not how I would have put it, but I know you were mad at me for ruining blooper time, so I did all your paperwork.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not helpful. You always make a thousand mistakes.
Jake: Uh-huh, that's what Amy said as well right before she took over for me, so it's perfect.

3

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Oh, come on, Sarge. It's gonna be fun. You remember fun, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's that supposed to mean?
Jake: Nothing. It's just I planned this awesome guys' weekend for us, and all you can think about is Lyme disease.
Sergeant Jeffords: Untrue. I'm thinking about all tick-borne diseases anaplasmosis, tularemia, Rocky Mountain spotted fever.
You know, maybe I could just chill out a little.

3

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for planning this, Jake.
Jake: No, thank you for being amazing and also for driving us up to the cabin.
My car's in the shop, and riding in Charles's is like sitting inside of a dog's behonkus.
Fun Terry. Can't wait.

3

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: You wanted to see me?
Captain Holt: I told Kevin about how I approved of your strategy for breaking up with Marcus, and he said that we were, quote, sociopaths, unquote.
Rosa: So you're gonna leave him?
Captain Holt: No, I think he may have a point.

2.7

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