Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Charles: Sports bloopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.

Gina: Amy, are you asking me to "She's All That" you?
Amy: I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes. Please "She's All That" me.
Gina: Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way, all right? First I'm going to need to break you down to nothing and then build you back up piece by piece.
Amy: Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Gina: Well, we'll just break you down to nothing and see what time it is.

Gina: Without product makers like you, us dazzle-doves wouldn't have nothing to shake our wings over.

Gina: Until this moment, there was only darkness. But now there is light. I am Vanessa Santiago, and I'm about to blow your minds.
Amy: You want me to change my name to Vanessa?
Gina: Desperately.

Captain Holt: Well, apparently, it's less painful if you acknowledge the dumpee's feelings.
Rosa: Ew.
Captain Holt: But don't worry. We'll practice.
I'll be Marcus. Go.
Rosa: Marcus, I think we should break up.
Captain Holt: That makes me feel sad. I am sad.
Rosa: Your sadness is noted.
Captain Holt: I feel acknowledged.
Thank you for breaking up with me.
It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.
I think that went very well.

Captain Holt: Yes, it is daunting. But I did some research on amicable breakups.
I visited www.ladiesgoodhealthmag.com/sex-relationships/867599904/9432&20.html.
Do you know that site?
Rosa: No.

Gina: What's up? How can I help?
Amy: Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together the Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia.
Gina: But never to a friend's house, huh?
Amy: Uncalled for.

Sergeant Jeffords: Those woods are full of ticks. It's Lyme disease central.
Jake: So we'll get some bug spray.
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus that cabin's probably covered in black mold.
Jake: Racist.

Rosa: Things aren't working out.
I don't want to talk about it.
Captain Holt: I regret the words we've already spoken.

Captain Holt: A minute, Detective Diaz. What's going on with you and Marcus?
Rosa: What are you talking about?
Captain Holt: Your shoulders tightened when he said "baby.
"
Your nostrils flared when I asked what was going on with the two of you.
And you have saag paneer on your sleeve, which, given your aversion to Indian cuisine, suggests you let him choose the restaurant.
Why would you do that?
Rosa: Kindness.
Captain Holt: Pity. You're about to break up with him.
Rosa: Damn, you are good.

Marcus: Uncle Ray, thank you for loaning me you best detective for lunch.
Captain Holt: My pleasure. Of course, she is entitled to 45 minutes as per her union contract.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait a second, Peralta. You busted through a window for no reason?
Jake: Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was a sealed window on the fifth floor.
You could have just gone in the door with Charles.
Jake: Yeah, but then what would my catchphrase have been?
"Knock, knock, who's there? Justice"?
Ooh, that's actually amazing. Charles, write that down.
Charles: Already did.

Captain Holt: Listen, I know I probably shouldn't get involved, but Marcus is my nephew, and I hope you'll let him down gently.
Rosa: Don't worry. I don't want things to be awkward.
I'm gonna send him a text while he's sleeping that says, "We're done."
Captain Holt: Clear. Accurate.
But do you feel like it's enough?
Rosa: "We're done. Good-bye."
Captain Holt: Yes. That should do it.

Jake: It was a total disaster.
Charles: Not a total disaster. None of us got sick from that dog water.
Jake: You drank that?
Charles: No.

Gina: Hey, sport. You look a little D in the D. D for "down in dumps," respectively.
Amy: Probably easier to just not abbreviate if you have to explain it.
Gina: Agree to D.

Rosa: Wait, are you crying?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.
Rosa: Thank you for acknowledging mine.
Captain Holt: We're both great at this.

Captain Holt: It's not the end of the world to feel things.
Rosa: I guess not. It's up there.

Rosa: It's not your fault. I'm the one that made a scene like a dumb, crying baby. I'm considering having my tear ducts melted shut.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, can you see anything from up there?
Jake: Yes, I can Stink Puddle Manor, about 65 trees sunward.
Man, one day in the woods, and I'm freakin' Lewis and Clark up here.

Charles: Oh, guys, please, please calm down. I hate it when you argue. It reminds of when my dad used to fight with my best friend my mom.

Rosa: I climbed back in, and we talked about emotions for 20 minutes.
Captain Holt: Dear God.
Rosa: I know. But I think it went well. At least there was no crying.

Jake: So I smash through the window, feet first. There's glass everywhere, and I say, "Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
"
And the best part is, there was nothing on my cheek.
Amy: That's a weird detail to throw in there.
Jake: You're a weird detail to throw in there.

Gina: Now let's talk presentation.
What's your opener?
Amy: Hi, I'm Amy Santiago, and my product will make a real difference. It is the Shoulder Nova.
Gina: My only note is, make it 1000% more captivating.

Gina: Before we get into your pitch, what are you calling the product?
Amy: The Handless Lighting System, or HLS.
Gina: Sounds like a genetic disorder.

Rosa: A long, drawn-out breakup is just gonna end in a big scene and Marcus crying. He has so many emotions.

Sergeant Jeffords: What else do you have planned?
Jake: Oh, so much. I'm talking fishing. I'm talking poker. I'm talking Frisbee.
Boyle, what else am I talking?
Charles: Wildflower picking so we can make our own cologne.
Jake: Nope, I was talking bonfires and s'mores, but that's my fault for throwing to you.

Jake: And that's just the beginning, my friend.
Just wait till you're sitting fireside, sipping on a premium Chinese Scotch, and smoking a sweet Rwandan cigar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Okay. I probably could have done without the countries of origin, but that sounds great.

Charles: Falcon one, do we have a go?
Jake: The light is green, tiger one.
Charles: What are you gonna say when you crash through the window?
Jake: Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
Charles: Goose bumps, Jake. Goose bumps.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man. Sarge is pissed. What are we gonna do, Jake?
Jake: Don't worry. It's gonna be fine. We just have to turn this debacle into a straight-up "bacle."

Sergeant Jeffords: Lohank? That sad sack? All he does is talk about his wife sleeping with other men.
Jake: No, he also has some great stories about his prostate cancer.

Rosa: You wanted to see me?
Captain Holt: I told Kevin about how I approved of your strategy for breaking up with Marcus, and he said that we were, quote, sociopaths, unquote.
Rosa: So you're gonna leave him?
Captain Holt: No, I think he may have a point.

Jake: Sarge, what's the big deal? We stopped two kilos of heroin from hitting the streets.
Who cares about one broken window?
Sergeant Jeffords: I do! I'm the one who has to spend all weekend doing paperwork because of your dumb stunt.
Jake: But Terry loves paperwork?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Jake, I do not.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for planning this, Jake.
Jake: No, thank you for being amazing and also for driving us up to the cabin.
My car's in the shop, and riding in Charles's is like sitting inside of a dog's behonkus.
Fun Terry. Can't wait.

Jake: Oh, come on, Sarge. It's gonna be fun. You remember fun, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's that supposed to mean?
Jake: Nothing. It's just I planned this awesome guys' weekend for us, and all you can think about is Lyme disease.
Sergeant Jeffords: Untrue. I'm thinking about all tick-borne diseases anaplasmosis, tularemia, Rocky Mountain spotted fever.
You know, maybe I could just chill out a little.

Jake: All right, bar digested. Mission go.

Sergeant Jeffords: What's going on, Peralta? Charles says you're going to make me happier than I was on my wedding night.
Jake: Well, that's not how I would have put it, but I know you were mad at me for ruining blooper time, so I did all your paperwork.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not helpful. You always make a thousand mistakes.
Jake: Uh-huh, that's what Amy said as well right before she took over for me, so it's perfect.