Quotes from ‘The Mattress’

The Mattress

'The Mattress' - Season 3, Episode 7

Jake and Amy convince the Captain to let them work a case together involving a new street drug, but their new relationship gets in the way. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Charles panics when he realizes he's damaged one of Holt's prized possessions and Terry teaches Rosa a lesson in discipline.

Air Date: November 15, 2015.

Quote from Jake

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us.
So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

Quote from Amy

Jake: But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here with four vials of this, which is a new drug called-
Amy: Taxi! You actually found some?
Jake: Yup. Your CI was right.
It's popping up on the corners.
Amy: Man, my snitches are the best. The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Jake: Figured.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: I want you two to go undercover as a couple to stake out the room.
You should be very convincing, given that you're currently what was it? "Smooshing booties."
Jake: Great, and thank you for saying it that way. It made us both feel very comfortable.
Amy: Sure did.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: See, Sarge? Tough love works.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn it! Terry proved the wrong point.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: You don't owe me anything. It was my fault, and I behaved poorly, as Gina made abundantly clear.
Gina: Oh, speaking of, you still owe me $14 for that cupcake.

Quote from Jake

Boyle: Hey, guys. I just discovered a new drug too.
It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.
Jake: Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.
Boyle: Roger that.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, I'll take one. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Terry: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid. What if he's really stupid?
Rosa: Terry, this is Sam, my little brother from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.
Sam: I think it's funny when she calls me stupid.
Rosa: No one cares, stupid.

Quote from Jake

Amy: I think it's cute.
You're like an idealistic grad student.
Jake: Ah, you like that? You want me to tell you about the time that I backpacked through the Netherlands?
Amy: Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?
Jake: Is that what you want me to have done?

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: It feels like you're being a little harsh.
Rosa: Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up.

Quote from Gina

Boyle: Gina. Gina. Gina, I screwed up, big time.
Gina: Charles, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Yes, you should do that, or you could just tell him what happened. I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault. Just have some B-bone, Boyle.
Boyle: You know that's my smallest bone.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: That's a code.
Captain Holt: A code? Exciting. I'll go get my pencil case.

Quote from Gina

Gina: What did you do to my cupcake?
Captain Holt: This is yours? Why on Earth is your cupcake on my chair?
Gina: Because it's very special to me, so I can put it wherever I want. This is your fault. Now you have to buy me a new cupcake.
Captain Holt: This is outrageous.
You expect me to avoid -oh, I see.
Gina: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you do.
The cupcake was Gertie.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: Your butt was Charles's car.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: The chair was the parking space.
Captain Holt: Yes, I get it.
Gina: Your office was the garage.
Captain Holt: Yes, I'm telling you I understand the lesson.
Gina: And I was the brilliant Gina Linetti in both scenarios.

Quote from Amy

Jake: So I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map.
You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob.
Amy: This looks great. Confirms Devon's story. He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ames, you're two minutes late. I called all the emergency rooms.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But we went to bed so early. "Property Brothers" was over at 10:00.
I mean sex. We do it.
She's tired from all the doing it.
Amy: Who are you talking to?
Jake: Precinct.
Amy: Come on, man.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Never fear, Amy, for I have the solution to all of your problems: Highly potent liquid speed.
Devon: Oh, you gonna love that stuff.
Jake: Devon, we're cops. Read the room.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Now, go home and do all your homework, or I will end you.
Terry: Don't let Rosa fool you. She's not that scary. She used to do ballet.
Sam: No way.
Rosa: Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet. Now scram.

Quote from Jake

Amy: It's called "taxi" because it's yellow, and it takes you where you need to be.
Jake: Drug dealers have gotten so creative. It used to just be "crack," and then they'd be like, "Hey, we got a new one. What are we gonna call this?" And they'd go, "I don't know, crank?"

Quote from Jake

Amy: It's all above board. HR gets daily updates and are BCC'd on all our emails to each other.
Jake: That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Yeah, that wasn't a fight.
That was just sexy workplace banter. Exactly.
I mean, mattresses are also sexy 'cause that's where you do it.
Amy: Yeah. And grammar is a system of language involving syntax and semantics. Also sexy.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Hey! What were you thinking?
Sam: I made a mistake! The phones were just lying there, and I didn't think things through.
I'm sorry, Rosa.
Rosa: Rosa is your friend from before you were a criminal.
You are dealing with Detective Diaz now, and she is gonna make sure you rot in juvie for the rest of your life.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you just let him off with a warning? Sometimes, being as tough as possible doesn't lead to the best outcome.
Rosa: This isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I'm not just gonna give him a time-out.
Sergeant Jeffords: Time-out? Are you kidding? "Poopy-head" means no "Doc McStuffins" for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Son of a bitch!
Gina: Okay, I misjudged that one.
Captain Holt: Oh, what did he do to you, Gertie? What did he do?
Boyle: It was an accident, sir.
Captain Holt: Yes, an accident: The buffoon's apology.
This is your fault, mister.
Gina: Interesting. Charles? Do you feel that's the case?
Boyle: Um, your car is pretty far over the line. Mm. So it's kind of your fault too.
Captain Holt: Pass the blame. The buffoonery is endless. You're gonna pay for what you've done.
And it won't be cheap.
They'll have to custom-mix the color because they no longer make raspberry sherbet.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Holy Moses! That is much too much money.
Amy: Well, you spent twice that for Mr. Met to come to your birthday party.
Jake: Yeah, and it was worth it.
Mr. Met used my bathroom. Number two. That's a memory I will cherish forever.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look at this. The same two matches are missing from both books: Third one on the bottom row, and fifth one from the top.
Captain Holt: Coincidence?
Jake: No way. No one would take matches out like that. Trust me; I smoked four cigarettes in college. One to completion.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Aw, Chuckles. You're looking even more broken than usual.
Boyle: Yeah, I should have never have tried to stand up to Captain Holt. Why didn't I just beg for mercy? It's my signature move: "The Charles."

Quote from Jake

Amy: You know what your butt hates? Making any sort of sacrifice for us, because it's not serious about this relationship.
Jake: Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious it should be wearing spectacles.

Quote from Jake

Amy: My butt is totally serious.
I've made all kinds of changes.
I bought orange soda for you.
Jake: Okay, for the last time, Orangina is not orange soda.
Amy: Yeah, because it's better.
Jake: Uh, okay, now you're just being crazy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I guess I'm just not "worth it." Boom used the thing you said to me in a different argument in this argument. I win the argument.
Amy: Oh, no, no, no. This is bad.
Jake: Well, you started it or I did. I can't remember at this point.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay. I know you're mad, but before you say anything, yes, we screwed up. And yes, you warned us. And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I do know this: I have reached the end of my sentence.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Do you understand?
Jake: Absolutely. 100%.
Captain Holt: The train is your old mattress.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: The car is your new mattress.
Jake: I got it.
Captain Holt: Kevin is you.
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: I'm Santiago.
Jake: Loud and clear. 100%.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Boyle, I thought you should know. I just got Gertie back from the garage.
She looks as good as new. Better, even, because after 12 years, they finally got the Annie Lennox cassette out of the tape player.
Boyle: Oh, I love her.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What's the second thing?
Jake: Well, the Captain and I were jamming on some personal issues, just going back and forth. I honestly think I helped him more than he helped me.
Amy: I'm not buying any of that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Amy Santiago I want to change mattresses for you. That's the best thing I've ever heard.
I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.
I think I was just scared that you were gonna realize you're way better than me.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay. Let's buy this baby.
Calling up the website, finding the mattress, adding to cart, signing in as "guest". That is not an option. Creating an account.
Amy: You don't have to buy it right this second.
Jake: Nope, this is a big romantic gesture, and I'm nailing it.
Shipping address not the same as billing address.
Got to enter both of those.
Amy: Jake, Jake, look! There's our guy.
Jake: Oh, perfect timing.
Submit order.
Province? Oh, no.
We're on the Canadian website.
Click on the American flag.
Amy: Jake!
Jake: Yeah, we'll do this later.
Let's go!

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.
Captain Holt: Really? Never heard of the Puzzlemaster?
This is who you want to be with? I shouldn't get involved.
Good luck with the case.

Quote from Charles

Boyle: Gertie! There's only one option for me: Burn my face off with acid and disappear forever.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Peralta, have a seat. I believe this might help.
When Kevin and I first started dating, he taught at a small college upstate. It was two hours away by train or bus, but only 30 minutes by car.
Jake: Is this another one of your riddles? You rode to work on his shoulders. One set of footprints.
No?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: See, thing about Ms. Miriam is she made me a good dancer, but she ruined my childhood. She was constantly riding me about my posture and my technique and my pink hair.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pink hair?
Rosa: Never speak of that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Copy.

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