Scully: Hey, if you need more fax machines, there's a ton of them in that storage room where I go to take a nap.
Amy: What? Why didn't you say something?
Hitchcock: And once again, Hitchcock and Scully save the day.
Amy: You didn't do anything. It was all Scully.
Hitchcock: We're a package deal, everyone knows that.

Frederick: No, everything's fine, but I am a little concerned about Sharon's blood pressure. And this is a terrible environment.
Jake: I wouldn't call it terrible.
Frederick: We're surrounded by criminals, there's no bed, and you can hear the faint sound of someone screaming through all the vents.
Gina: That's Hitchcock. His arm's stuck in a pneumatic tube. It's hilarious.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Jake: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

Sergeant Jeffords: And Hitchcock and Scully, I assume you're here for some unrelated injury.
Hitchcock: That's correct.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry I got angry earlier. You did a great job today. Hospital was the right decision. I'm so glad you're Ava's godfather. I'm so glad you're Sharon's god-husband.
I'm so glad you're my god-wife. I have no idea what I'm saying at this point.

Sergeant Jeffords: And Gina, I know you got past your fears and helped Sharon out.
Gina: I'm so happy for you and I never want to see your daughter or remember this day.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, I just want to say thanks to all of you. Charles and Amy filling out forms. Rosa, I'm so thankful you got me here on that bike.
Rosa: I'm thankful I could help.
Charles: And I'm thankful that I'm-
Captain Holt: Boyle, this is clearly a moment between him and Diaz.

Amy: Happy Thanksgiving, sir. This year, I'm more thankful than ever to have you as my Captain.
Captain Holt: And I'm thankful for the low price of gasoline.
Charles: And I'm thankful for the friendship-
Captain Holt: I think there's been a misunderstanding. There's no time for everyone to have a turn.
Charles: But I'm the only one that didn't get to-
Captain Holt: Boyle.

Jake: Okay, wait, you can't talk to her! Terry doesn't want you in there. You make her uncomfortable.
Captain Holt: I make her uncomfortable? Well, that's ridiculous. I should go confront her about this at length.

Captain Holt: I'm fine. I'm getting a lot of work done here at Gina's desk. It's wonderful. She has all my favorite chewing gums.

Jake: Hey, you guys came.
What about all the paperwork?
Amy: We got it all in. Filed 900 forms by hand in under 12 hours. It was tough, but worth it.
We wouldn't have missed this.
Charles: Also, we had to go to the ER anyway. Hitchcock's arm was mangled by the tube.
Hitchcock: I'm in unspeakable pain.

Jake: You stay here and take care of Sharon.
Gina: Ugh. What if she's still pregnant when I get in there?
Jake: Then you'll deal with it.

Jake: Guys, what the hell is going on?
Hitchcock: Hitchcock and Scully saved the day.
Amy: No, you plugged ten fax machines into one outlet and caused a fire.
Scully: But I pointed to the fire extinguisher and was like, "The fire extinguisher's over there."
Charles: You pointed at the toaster oven!

Charles: I mean, the problem is, we only have one fax machine, and it takes four minutes per page. It's Logjam City, Jake. Logjam City!

Charles: Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble! Guess who just came from the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?
Jake: Charles, you actually might-
Charles: Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler. And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness! Gobble, gobble!
Jake: Seriously, Charles-
Charles: Uh-uh, I warned you! I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.
Jake: Okay, Tommy Gobbler.
Charles: There you go!
Jake: These are the Davidsons. They want to know what happened to their missing grandmother.
Charles: I have some deeply tragic news for you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up. Diaz and I are going to Rikers to interview a guy we think has info on the Douglass Street murders.
Also, IT says the internet is down.
Gina: What? No! I had just clicked a link that said Balloon Boy grew up hot. Now I will never see those pictures.
Rosa: Can't you just use the internet on your phone?
Gina: Bitch, you know I'm out of data.

Sharon: Guys, my water just broke.
Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one.
Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.

Amy: I'm thankful that you trust us with such an important task.
Captain Holt: And I am thankful to have such a dedicated employee.
Charles: And I'm thankful-
Captain Holt: Dismissed.

Amy: Charles, you're going so fast.
Charles: I don't have a choice. We can't let this place fill up with perps.
Amy: Yeah, but you're gonna cramp.
Charles: (chuckling) Are you kidding, baby? I've been cramping for the past 20 minutes.
Amy: I'm so attracted to you right now.

Captain Holt: Ah, Sharon. Nice to see you. You look so big. Like a mighty truck.

Jake: Hey, Gina. I need a top secret favor. Sharon is coming to the precinct and I need your help.
Gina: Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related, 'cause that crap is nasty.
Jake: The miracle of life?
Gina: Dress it up however you want, that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.

Gina: I have made the mistake of looking at the birthing plan and just learned what an episiotomy is. I'm gonna need 90 minutes.

Amy: What're we gonna do?
Charles: I'll tell you what my dad used to tell me: "When the going gets tough, "the pill bug curls into a ball and pretends to be dead."
Amy: You think we should pretend to be dead?
Charles: You asked for a solution, I gave you one.

Gina: It's been over an hour. This has to be a record for longest childbirth.

Jake: I can't believe I'm saying this, but we simply don't have time to hear about the captain's sordid romantic past.
Gina: What have you become?
Jake: A hero in a time of crisis.

Sergeant Jeffords: So Sharon will be here in an hour. We're driving up to the Berkshires to spend one last weekend alone before the baby comes.
Jake: Yeah! Somebody's gonna get it!
Sergeant Jeffords: She's 37 weeks pregnant, man. We're gonna eat pie in bed.
Jake: Oh, yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can you handle it?
Jake: Yes, I can totally handle it. I will take care of Sharon. As long as she's carrying my godchild inside of her, I am her god-husband. She is my god-wife. And I will god-love her forever.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Don't say stuff like that.
Jake: Which part? All of it? I'm gonna assume it's all of it, and just make my exeunt.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's a girl! Her name is Ava Jeffords. She's 14 pounds, six ounces.
Rosa: Whoa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh yeah, Terry Jeffords makes big babies.

Captain Holt: Now, with the internet being down, we'll have to do all the paperwork by hand. Would you two be okay with staying late tonight?
Charles: Well, I was gonna slow-cook a goose, but I guess I could normal cook her.

Jake: It's fine, I understand. You might find this hard to believe, but I can be a little childish sometimes, myself.
Captain Holt: Yes. You have gum in your hair right now.
Jake: Noted.

Jake: What the hell? Just tell him what he wants to hear.
Captain Holt: But it's a lie. I don't give a crap, sir. Sharon needs a doctor, so get over yourself. Tell him you threw away his stupid duck, then give him 20 bucks to buy a new one.
Captain Holt: It cost $740.
Jake: What? That is an insane price for a duck! That's way too much! All right, now I'm angry about the wrong thing.

Jake: Things are about to get very calm in here, all right? Look at me. You're gonna be so relaxed, that baby's gonna pop right out onto the floor, you won't even notice.
Sharon: Don't let my baby touch the floor!
Jake: Right, right! Because of the filth.

Jake: Excuse me, everyone. Everyone, I'm gonna need you all to clear the room. This woman is having vaginal contractions.
Sharon: It's just "contractions," you don't have to add "vaginal" to it.
Jake: Oh, sorry. This woman is having non-vaginal contractions.
Everyone out, please.

Jake: Hey there, Sarge. Everything is totally under control. As you know, her water broke and she's had a couple of contractions. And hey, Sharon, how are you doing vaginally?
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Don't ask her that!
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Okay, don't worry about Sharon. I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of "Breast-Feeders" magazine which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn.
Yep, it is.

Amy: I don't know what to tell you. I'm already writing dangerously fast. It's Smudge City here, Jake. Smudge City!

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, there's a copy of our birth plan on my desk. Call the doula.
Jake: Copy that. I will call the doula. Which is a thing that I definitely know what it is.
Sharon: A doula is someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process.
Jake: Oh, I see. So sort of like a vaginal Gandalf?
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop saying that word!
Sharon: Ooh, that's actually a pretty good analogy.
Jake: Well, Sharon liked it, Sarge.

Jake: So I'm gonna go get your birth plan and then summon your wizard.

Jake: Mrs. Sarge, how are you?
Sharon: Very pregnant. Is Terry back yet?
Jake: Not yet, but he will be back any minute, and in the meantime, I will take great care of my godchild and my god-wife.
Sharon: Oh, yes. Terry did tell me that you might be calling me that.
Jake: Aww, you guys talk about me?

Jake: I have familiarized myself with the soothing section of your birth plan, and I will now speak in a low, calming, Barry White voice.

Sergeant Jeffords: (Sobbing) I'm gonna miss the birth of my child! It's a magical moment!
Criminal: (Sobbing) Okay, okay! I'll tell you everything. Thank you for letting me be part of this wonderful experience.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a terrible person, but you're welcome.

Gina: Okay, I found you a pillow.
Full disclosure, it's Scully's hemorrhoid donut.
Sharon: I don't want that near my baby.
Gina: Yeah, that's the right call.

Jake: Okay. Got it. Got it. Cool, cool, cool. No hospital. I am picking up what you're screaming down.

Captain Holt: Oh, Sharon, I heard you had gone into labor in our police station. I hope you don't contract an infection.
Sharon: Yeah, we all hope that.

Captain Holt: I didn't throw the duck in the garbage. I threw it off a bridge.
Jake: Why would you do that?
Captain Holt: Well, Frederick and I were having problems. He knew I disliked the duck because of its weak beak, but he insisted on displaying it anyway. I acted out in a petty manner. Just as I did today. I'm sorry that I wasn't more helpful.

Sergeant Jeffords: Where is she?Where's Sharon?
Jake: Room 41B. Look, I'm sorry.
I know you said-
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't go to the hospital!
Jake: I tried calling you, you didn't pick up.
Sergeant Jeffords: So you decided to do the exact opposite of the one thing I told you?
Jake: I thought it was the right thing to do, Terry.
Look, she's in there with Captain Holt's ex-boyfriend right now, but don't worry, I made him promise to stop bringing up the duck.
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell are you talking about?

Amy: Hitchcock, Scully, how did you get things done before the internet and faxing?
Hitchcock: Cocaine?
Scully: Right. And also the tubes. There's 27 miles of pneumatic tubes under the city, connecting all the precincts.

Sergeant Jeffords: I just wanted to ask: If Sharon gets here before I'm back from Rikers, can you make sure she's comfortable? And also, um, keep Captain Holt away from her.
Jake: Really? Why?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always weird around her and it stresses her out. She says he reminds her of those judgmental trees from Lord of the Rings.
Jake: (scoffs) They're called Ents. Get a life, dweeb.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care.
Jake: Okay.