Jake: My fellow detectives, ours is not an easy job. The hours are long, the danger is constant, the pay is LOL. But today, a glimmer of hope. For today, a new vending machine. Behold him in all of his glory, so full of strength, and promise, and, most importantly, sodium, gluten and fat.

Amy: Okay, let's talk planets. Jupiter is a gas giant.
Gina: So's Hitchcock. How does this help me?

Gina: You just made Earth lame, and that is my house.

Rosa: Oh my God, I just figured out where the diamonds are. We thought the shipping container came in on October 11, 10/11. These dumb Europeans write their dates backwards. We should have been going for the one from 10 November.
Jake: Of course. Stupid rest of the world writing their dates all dumb.

Jake: I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.

Charles: There's no need for Holt to see me unleash the beast.

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle. Just the man we were looking for. Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach at the Sorbonne for the next six months.
Charles: Oh, I love Paris. At least how it's represented in the movie Ratatouille.
Kevin: Uh-
Captain Holt: The rodent chef.
Kevin: Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Gina: And how do you know Terrence, space tie?

Rosa: You're what sneezes are!

Captain Holt: It's been a pleasure talking with you about the duration of your flight. Good day.

Rosa: This place smells like a squid farted inside a whale's butt.
Jake: Yes, that is the exact combo of smells. Nicely done.

Sergeant Jeffords: I did graduate magna cum laude from Syracuse. I know that sounds like a brag. And it was! Terry killed it in college.

Jake: Nobody gets away from Jake Per- Eww! Something yucky touched me! Urgh, gross, gross, gross!

Jake: Hey, next week is my six-month anniversary with Amy. Should I do something special?
Rosa: You know what I like about our relationship, Jake? We don't talk about our love lives, or our families, or anything that's on our minds. It's why you're my closest friend in the world.

Rosa: New York Public Library lets VIPs stay there overnight.
Jake: Ooh, that's perfect. But wait, how do I become a library VIP? I forgot to return "Superfudge" in the fourth grade, and I've been scared to go back ever since.

Gina: Do you guys know anyone who'd want some used textbooks?
Amy: I'd love them. It's never too late to teach yourself something new.
Gina: So no one.

Gina: My God, you guys are such pathetic nerds. But maybe that's what I need right now. Pathetic nerds.
Okay, You pathetic nerds can help me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you?
Gina: You are so welcome.

Amy: Plus, I know a thing or two about astronomy. I had eleven straight birthdays at the planetarium. That was also a brag.

Jake: Please. They think they're so great just because they know each other's allergies. You know what I'm allergic to?
Rosa: Yep, them.
Jake: Totally. Also, bees. You should know that. If I got stung by a bee, I could die.

Jake: I hope they have saunas in Swedish prison.

Amy: Gina, great news.
Gina: Oh no, is Neil deGrasse Tyson here? He will not stop trying to friend me.

Charles: You butternuts ready to get squashed?

Jake: Unprofessional? Well, we were going to take you to our favorite laser tag place, but now you are officially uninvited.

Sergeant Jeffords: That's a strange little man.

Amy: Astronomy is full of interesting facts. For instance, here's one Hollywood doesn't want you to know. A parsec is actually a measure of distance. One of the many inaccuracies in the Star Wars universe.
Gina: Uh-huh. And what's Star Wars?
Amy: Oh boy.

Rosa: They're probably telling Captain Holt how much they like to sauna together.

Jake: We're going to roll out the friggin' red carpet. Working on a jewel heist with Interpol, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
(To Amy) Second best.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: (Covers his mouth) First best. I was lying to Amy.