Rosa: I want to say a few words. When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
Charles: This is your speech?
Rosa: 'Cause I didn't understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Gina: Very violent eulogy, I like it.

Captain Holt: So you lied to me? Out of pity. You pity me.
Jake: I wouldn't put it that way.
Captain Holt: I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I'm gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.

Jake: Medical examiner, jackpot. The gym is full of bodies.
Captain Holt: No, Department of Health.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.

Jake: This might just be the fever talking, but this unedited footage of an Italian restaurant from eight years ago might be the best movie I've ever seen. Also, how weird are forks?
Captain Holt: Forks are very weird. I've always thought so.

Captain Holt: Emergency at the gym just when two cops show up at his door. That seems suspicious. We should follow him.
Jake: Yeah, this case might actually lead somewhere.
Captain Holt: Why are you so surprised?
Jake: Because every day on this job is a wonder.
Captain Holt: (pondering) Damn right it is.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell is going on in here?
Scully: Hitchcock's trying to steal my sandwich.
Hitchcock: Well, we both ordered meatball subs, but they only delivered one. It's mine!
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, guys, look, just walk to the sub shop it's a block away and get a second sandwich.
Scully: Walk?
Hitchcock: Are you insane?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, cut the damn sandwich in half.
Scully: And then what, genius? We each eat a 6-inch sub?
Hitchcock: Two and a half meatballs a piece?
Scully: Are we children?
Hitchcock: What is this, Russia?
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, that's it. No one eats the sub. Get back to work!

Captain Holt: Perfect timing as our quarantine has finally ended and our goiters are gone.
Jake: Yes, indeed. We're free to go outside and lick whoever's eyeballs we'd like.
Captain Holt: Inaccurate, no one is ever free to do that.
Jake: Yeah, you're right.

Amy: Jake, you need to drop this case.
Jake: What are you talking about? The plan is working perfectly. Holt hasn't been lonely all week.
Amy: Yeah, because he's too busy almost dying. Look at him.
Jake: What? He's just "Beautiful Mind"-ing it. Because he's a genius.
Amy: He's writing the word "case" over and over again. Oh, now he's spelling it with a K.
Jake: Is that not how you spell it? Again, I have a mouth, neck, and testicle-melting fever.

Jake: - Morning, Captain.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: I'd like to introduce you to someone. His name is Simon, and I hate him.
Captain Holt: Hello, Simon. This is Balthazar. He's an evil demon who spits fire in my throat.
Jake: Goiters, huh?

Jake: Also, I know you're not supposed to, but I kind of want to poke my mump.
Captain Holt: Bad idea.
Jake: I'm going in. Here we go. It hurts! How did I not see that coming? Whoa, I feel dizzy.

Jake: He's eating snakes! No, it's spaghetti.
Captain Holt: It's always spaghetti.
Jake: I'm just saying, if that's spaghetti, it looks like snakes.

Captain Holt: Oh, nine days in isolation.
Amy: Sir, I'd be happy to keep you company. We can watch the ten-part Nicholas Nickleby special on PBS. Hear there's a lot of long, quiet stretches.
Captain Holt: I do love long, quiet stretches.

Rosa: What are you doing?
Charles: Just sealing Jason's collar in an airtight bag so it retains his scent. I don't know how many whiffs I have left.

Gina: The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Gina.
Gina: Ah, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
Gina: My God, you're strong.

Rosa: Look, I know that dog meant a lot to you, so I got you this. It's a dog. His name's Arlo, but you can call him Jason Two or whatever.

Jake: Did we take too much cold medicine?
Captain Holt: Not by a long shot. Balthazar is a thirsty bitch.
Jake: Ah, I'll drink to that.

Gina: You need to stop focusing on tests. There's more to life than scores and book learning, okay? Look at me, I've had no official dance training. Yet here I stand a miracle of movement.

Jake: Hey, I found popsicles. These should help cool us down. "Thanks, Jake." You're welcome, nards.

Rosa: Wait, was this your dog that humped everything?
Charles: Yeah, that's how he died. He was going to town on one of my snow boots, and his little heart just gave out. He didn't even finish.
Rosa: Gross.

Jake: Seven cups of salt? Even I know this isn't a recipe. Which means it might be a code.
Amy: Ooh, interesting. Ten digits, maybe it's a phone number. Look, 718, Brooklyn area code.
Jake: Yes, that's definitely it. Wait, did you actually use all of this salt and 18 cups of oregano?
Amy: Back off, I solved the case.
Captain Holt: Nine onions? Oh, Amy.
Amy: How am I the bad guy here?

Amy: What the hell? I used Garibaldi's exact recipe. I know I'm not a great cook, but I love following instructions.

Doctor: You may get painful goiter-like swelling in your neck and often extreme testicular discomfort.
Captain Holt: Okay, okay.
Jake: Cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Jake: No doubt.

Amy: Oh, my God. He didn't even wipe it off.
Gina: He's totally given up on life.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's loneliness. Ever since Kevin left for his sabbatical in Paris, he hasn't been the same.
Amy: I tried to get him out of the house. I invited him to bar trivia, but he turned me down, not that Trivia Newton John needed the help. We're nationally ranked. It's no big deal.
Rosa: You're right, it's not.

(Amy walks away)
Jake: Oh, my God, I thought I was following her. Yep, I should probably lie down.

Captain Holt: Nonsense, Santiago. We just have to buckle down and work harder. We simply hit a bump in the road.
Jake: More like a mump in the road.

Jake: You're welcome. Ain't no thang.
Captain Holt; No, it is a thang, and an even bigger thang is that you brought me back to the Nine-Nine, and I will always be grateful for that. So Here. This is for you.
Jake: Oh, sour candies. I missed you so much! Oh! It burns! Thank you for this candies!

Charles: Jason was part of my family, Rosa. I loved him. His humping was the only thing that got me through my divorce. Seeing him so happy made me believe that I could be happy one day too. You wouldn't understand this because you have a motorcycle helmet for a heart, but I need to feel this sadness. So the only thing that I'm moving on from is you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, what's going on with those files?
Scully: Oh, we're not working on them. We're on strike.
Hitchcock: Hunger strike.
Gina: You're eating potato chips.
Scully: Chips don't count. My doctor said they have zero nutritional value.

Rosa: Hey, you're off the floor.
Charles: Yeah. Well, it's like my dad used to say. "Real men don't cry for more than three days." So I decided to get my butt back to work.

Jake: Ah, hola, mi capitan. Why am I speaking Italian, you might ask
Captain Holt: That was Spanish.
Jake: Yeah, there are too many languages. An old case of mine is starting to heat up, and I'd like your old help to help me solve it, senor?
Captain Holt: Still Spanish.
Jake: Right.

Gina: Ooh, standardized tests? I have a great trick. Fill in all the bubbles with Wite-Out, jams the machine, everyone passes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, so I talked to Captain Holt. He and Jake have the mumps. I'm in charge until Holt gets better.
Gina: Hello, you wanted to see if you can make a great captain. Now's your chance to shine. You're the pretty little understudy. And the aging lead? Well, she just fell down the stairs. Now all's you got to do is beat those wings and fly.

Sergeant Jeffords: These are practice for the lieutenant's exam. They're kicking my butt. I can't get better than 70%.
Gina: C-, the perfect grade. You pass, but you're still hot.

Rosa: Hey, you guys seen Boyle?
Scully: Yep, he's in a little ball under his desk.
Rosa: Oh, no. Did you watch "Grimm" again last night? You know it gives you nightmares.

Doctor: Anyhow, over the next several hours, you will more than likely develop fever, aching, fatigue.
Jake: Doesn't sound too bad.
Doctor: Also, tart foods will cause intense jaw pain, so you may want to avoid sour candies.
Jake: What?!

Doctor: So you both have the mumps. Sorry to say, it's very contagious. You may not want to be here, detective.
Amy: Oh, it's cool. I keep up to date on all my vaccinations. I'm immune to stuff you've never even heard of.
Captain Holt: But not immune to braggadocio.

Jake: Any-hoops, this is all the stuff that we got from Garibaldi's apartment after he disappeared. Tell me what you see.
Captain Holt: This man is in every photograph.
Jake: Nick DiTullio. I actually brought him in eight years ago, but he refused to talk. Of course, you know the saying, "time shall open up the mouth of every man to the truth of his neighbor." All right, it's a real saying. Let's not dwell on it.

Nick: I don't know where Garibaldi is, all right? It's not like we were close. I was just his trainer at the gym.
Captain Holt: Then why were you always going out to dinner with him? Was he doing reps of linguine?
Jake: Noice!

Sergeant Jeffords: I want this precinct to get our normal work done, but also, we're gonna clean out the evidence room, step up community service, and complete these twenty-two additional tasks. Every time we check one off the list, you're gonna hear this bell.
It's the sound of victory. (attempts to ding the bell, but the cord rips)
Rosa: Hmm, you should add "fix bell" to that list.

Charles: Seriously? I can't just replace Jason with some other dog.
Rosa: Why not? All dogs are basically the same. Watch this. Arlo, go hump that toy.
Charles: Get away from that. That's Jason's.

Nick: Look, you don't say no to Garibaldi, all right? That's why I always let him work his chest and his abs and never his legs.
Jake: Yeah, the key is balance. That's why I never work any of it.

Charles: I'm sad. Jason died this morning.
Rosa: I'm sorry. That's terrible. Is he a friend of yours?
Charles: He was my dog.
Rosa: Oh, okay, so no big deal then.

Captain Holt: Oh, great, pity food. Thank you anyway, but I can cook for myself.
Jake: Wow, I would roll my eyes so hard right now if it didn't make my brain burn.

Amy: Okay, Captain, this ends now. I know your pride is hurt, but no one ever took pity on you. All we wanted to do was help you when you were down because that's what people do when they care about each other.
Captain Holt: They tell each other lies and invent urgent mysteries that need to be solved?
Amy: Come up with excuses to spend time together, like trivia nights or folk art festivals.
Jake: Or working old-ass cases with their mumpy boy, Jake. Back to you, Amy. We're doing great.

Jake: Or we could be quarantined together, you know, work the case.
Captain Holt: Yes, that actually sounds kind of fun.
Jake: Kind of? It's gonna be the best week ever.
Doctor: I'm sorry, did you not hear me say extreme testicular discomfort? Yes, we heard you, Dr. Bad News Doctor.

Amy: Jake, can I talk to you in private for a minute?
Jake: Sure thing, let me just snag this, cover up the ol' swell sack.
Amy: All right.
Jake: Okay, so here's the deal. I have a high fever, and I can't control my body, but you can do whatever you want to me. Oh, but don't touch my mouth, neck, or testicles.
Amy: You've badly misread the situation.
Jake: Oh, thank God.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, but two weeks in charge, and I didn't get any of my goals accomplished.
Gina: You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.
Sergeant Jeffords: I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn't that hard.
Gina: Yeah, they're animals.

Sergeant Jeffords: So for the next two weeks, Captain Holt will be on medical leave, which means I am the acting captain.
Gina: And we are your royal subjects. Do continue.

Sergeant Jeffords: That's right, Nine-Nine. That's the sound of the victory bell. We just crossed our first task off the list.
Gina: Oh, my goodness. Terry, that is so great. Which one was it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fix bell.
Gina: All right. Little less than I had hoped for, but still a thing.

Jake: Well, aren't you all just a bunch of big-hearted dum-dums. You want to make him feel less lonely? This is how you do it.
Rosa: A case file?
Jake: Yeah, dude loves work.
Amy: I thought all your cases were closed. You were bragging about it so much last night, I couldn't hear the end of the neighbors' fight.
Jake: It ended in sex. It always does. It didn't make me horny.

Rosa: Anyway, we have to work a stream of B&E's on 4th Street. It's time for you to move on. It's what Jackson would've wanted.
Charles: Jason!
Rosa: Whatever, little buddy.

Captain Holt: Morning, everyone.
Jake: Morning, sir. Hey, look. We're food stain buds. Who are you wearing? Porridge?
Captain Holt: Um, oatmeal.