Charles: Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."
Gina: I don't want your ass in my cloud.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, now they send me cats to remind me of that day and rub it in my face. I'm gonna go put a ad online so I can find someone to adopt this evil, little turd.

Gina: I've been asking you for months if I could answer the phone like, (singing) "Who dis?"
Captain Holt: Give it a whirl, girl.

Charles: That was amazing.
Gina: Told you. He just needed to be alpha'd.
Charles: Is that what happened, or did I just beta you into protecting me?
Gina: No. No. That's not what happened. This is not your victory.
Charles: Sure.
Gina: Oh, my God.

Adrian Pimento: You think you can intimidate me?
Gina: Yeah.
Adrian Pimento: When I was undercover, Jimmy "The Butcher" cut off my little toe with garden shears and made me eat it as a loyalty test. I've been through hell.
Gina: Big deal. I worked an a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.

Jake: Okay, I'll say that I'm a businessman from Moscow named Ilya. (Attempts a Russian accent) "I make millions from selling snow boots." That was more just to show off the accent. I'm not wedded to the snow boots thing.

Charles: Oh, I want him out. But I'm too scared to tell him.
Gina: All right, listen. I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on-
Charles: Mm-hmm.

Gina: So things are going really good with the new roomie, it seems.
Charles: It's horrible. There's someone's blood all over the bathroom. He sleep-choked me twice. And the worst part this morning, he ate all of my cereal.
Gina: That's the worst part?
Charles: They were Nortfluskers bran circles! I had them shipped from Oslo.

Jake: But it doesn't mean you can't go over to the 6-5 and stand up to those bullies.
Sergeant Jeffords: They'll just make fun of me more.
Jake: What are you talking about, Terry? You are a human mountain. You have more muscles in your ears than I have in my entire body.
Sergeant Jeffords: Never skip ear day, Jake.

Jake: Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank, and I should know. You probably won't believe this, but I was bullied in high school for being too handsome.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't believe you.
Jake: You're right. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.

Sergeant Jeffords: You better look cute in this picture, or no one's gonna want you.
Do something with your damn paws!

Captain Holt: Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
Jake: So long, tank.
Captain Holt: Tank? I gained three pounds in Paris. Three pounds!

Jake: Just remember we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high, so no one say anything that'll upset him. Oh, no, what are those morons doing in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe it's not that bad; maybe they didn't upset him.
Jake: What'd you do? What'd you say?
Hitchcock: Nothing. We just said, "Welcome back."
Scully: And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France.
Jake: No!

Charles: The Japanese make toilet seats which squirt a heated jet of water right up your-
Jake: I'm gonna stop you right there, bud.

Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand why you wasted another night on a case no one's ever gonna solve.
Jake: Sarge, I am way too sleep-deprived to deal with your negativity right now.

Adrian Pimento: Could you stay out of your kitchen for the next, like, 48 hours? I'm gonna be skinning a deer than I shot.
Charles: What?
Adrian Pimento: Ooh, and put up some of those plastic sheets. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Gina: Aren't you dating Rosa? Can't you just stay with her?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, no, we're doing this really hot thing where we haven't told each other where we live. Makes our sex play really erotic.
Gina: Barf.
Charles: I totally get that.

Adrian Pimento: Hey, Chuck. Will you bring these to the dry cleaner for me? Tell them the red stains are blood and the brown stains are uh, let's say blood.
Charles: Well, sure. Don't even bother putting them in a bag. I'll just carry them in my arms.

Sergeant Jeffords: There's Zerb Gudanya. Pretty fancy car for an elevator inspector.
Jake: The Club International of Brighton Beach International Club? "International" and "club" are both in the name twice. Terry, this place sleazy!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm beginning to think maybe we should-
Jake: Climb out on that ledge and see how the perp got in.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna say give up.
Jake: What? Right after I came up with that incredible ledge thing, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: We're 10 stories up. You can handle that?
Jake: Sarge, I'm not scared of heights, okay? I'm scared of bees, I'm scared of snakes, and I'm scared that the Knicks might never be good again, but I am not scared of heights.

Jake: Okay, here's what Esther remembers about the night that she was robbed. She was either at a restaurant or the movies or doing something else. And she was either alone or with people. The only thing she was absolutely sure of is that I seem like a very nice boy, which is not relevant to the case, but did make me feel very good.

Captain Holt: Santiago, Diaz enough. This is not about who's fastest. This is a bomb dismantling class. We are police officers, not street urchins playing speed chess in the park. For shame.

Captain Holt: Yes, couldn't be better, because I destroyed you both.
Rosa: What the hell? I thought you said this wasn't about winning.
Captain Holt: I did say that, so you would go slower and I would win, which is what happened.
Amy: You're just as competitive as we are.
Captain Holt: Absurd. I'm more competitive. Now who's "da bomb"?

Jake: I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about my window ledge freak-out.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not as embarrassing as thinking we could actually solve a 20-year-old case with no new leads.
Jake: Terry, we are gonna solve this, all right? Sure, maybe none of the work we did today led to any new information.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake-
Jake: And sure, most crimes are solved within the first 48 hours, but they never talk about the crimes that are solved within the first 100 million hours.

Jake: All right, here's our plan. We are gonna re-interview all the original victims of this case, starting with the first one, Janice McMinnion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, she died 12 years ago.
Jake: All right, the second one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Also dead.
Jake: Okay, why don't you just skip on down to the first person that's not dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: Number eight.
Jake: Number eight, way to stay alive. Number eight, still alive-
Both: Number eight, still alive!
Jake: Moment of silence for the first seven, though.

Gina: But mine is the mighty wolf. And if you want to beat an alpha, you have to be an alpha.
Charles: Wrongo. If you're good enough at being a beta, then the alpha takes mercy on you and ends up giving you what you want.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'd like an HR person to remind everyone about workplace boundaries.

Jake: Morning, Sarge. Oh, good morning, my sweet, little cuties.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't call them cute. They'd kill us all if they were smart enough to use weapons, but you're not smart. You're dumb. You're always naked, and you pee in a box.
Jake: I suppose they're not totally naked with the fur.

Rosa: Totally agree, sir. However, there is a precision driving class next weekend.
Captain Holt: Fastest one around the track wins.
Rosa: It's on.
Amy: I'm gonna run you both off the road into a wall. I'm gonna kill you.
Captain Holt: Oh, my.

Jake: You know how I turned the corner with my dad? I stood up to him, and that's what you need to do with your dad.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, he died in 1988.
Jake: Oh, okay, well, that probably won't work, then.

Gina: Hey. Beard-o. It's time for you to get out of Charles's house today.
Adrian Pimento: Hang on, ma'am. You don't tell me what to do.
Gina: Uh, that's where you're wrong, baby girl. I run this precinct. Watch this. Scully, go to sleep!
Scully: Okay.

Rosa: 20 bucks says I do better in that class than you do, thread-head.
Amy: All right, you're on. And I'll have you know that "thread-head" is a glowing compliment in the sewing community. If you wanted to insult me, you should've called me a stitch skipper.
Rosa: Okay, stitch skipper.
Amy: Oh, I handed it to you!

Amy: I'm gonna dominate that class. You don't cross-stitch for 20 years without developing a steady hand.
Rosa: Wow, you really think that's a brag, don't you?

Hitchcock: Will lunch be provided?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Scully: Count us in.
Captain Holt: Anyone else?
Rosa: I'm in.
Amy: Me too. This class sounds like "da bomb."
Captain Holt: I'd rather you didn't attend if you're not gonna take it seriously.
Amy: Yup.

Captain Holt: Bonjour, mes amis.
Jake: Oh, someone had a good time in Paris.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin and I shared a perfect week together. I feel like I'm floating on a croissant. I wonder why people don't just break into song more often.

Sergeant Jeffords: I knew it! You could walk the whole time! I was right about the cat accomplice too, huh? Now where's the cat?
Jake: Been 20 years, Sarge. Cat's probably dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm still bringing him in!

Charles: Okay, I give up. I need your help. I'm ready to try it your way.
Gina: Shh, you came at the perfect time. He's eating, and when an animal eats, that's when they're at their most vulnerable. You need to get in there show him who the alpha is.

Adrian Pimento: Well, good morning, Linetti. Whoo, I slept like a frickin' baby last night. Staying at Chuck's is like a dream. Little guy loves doting on me, although you're gonna need to buy some bigger underwear if we're gonna be sharing, you know what I mean?
Charles: Okay, I'll get right on that.

Captain Holt: Done. Fastest time today by a full two minutes. Whoo, mama!

Jake: Sarge, this photo was taken in 1996. You told me your guy broke his spine two years before that, so '94. Check out his sneakers. '95 Jordans. They came out a year after the accident. Look at the soles.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're all muddy.
Jake: Which means-
Sergeant Jeffords: That son of a bitch can walk!
Jake: Bingo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Let's go!
Jake: All right. Cat squad, assemble!
Sergeant Jeffords: Leave the cats.
Jake: Okay.

Charles: I need a wolf name.
Gina: Yes.
Charles: Virginia Woolf.
Gina: Huh?
Charles: Well, I'm not gonna be her lame husband, Leonard. [sighs] Okay, it's time, Virginia.

Sergeant Jeffords: What up, Jake? Why are these dicks out of their cage?
Jake: I stayed up all night working on your case, and Hans, John, and Nakatomi made for great company. I gave them all Die Hard names.

Amy: Will there be a grading or point system to see who's best?
Rosa: At saving lives?
Amy: Yes, at saving lives. Saving lives was always implied.

Captain Holt: No, the three of us all failed. Apparently our instructor felt we didn't take it seriously enough.
Rosa: But Hitchcock and Scully passed.
Amy: What? How did they defuse bombs better than we did?
Hitchcock: Those were bombs?
Scully: Unbelievable.
Captain Holt: It's a low moment for us all.

Jake: Guys, he's rhyming. He's telling Gina to sing. Captain Holt is on a vacation high! He will say yes to anything right now.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, after everything you did for me encouraging me, going out on that ledge even though you were scared to tears-
Jake: There was an air conditioner above us. It was dripping water on my eyes. We've been over this.

Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, I never said the cat was a burglar. I said he might be an accomplice. You know what? I hope the guy in there is a cat. That'll show you.
Jake: Yeah, if he was a cat, he'd be much easier to apprehend and probably much less dangerous. That's what we think. Let's go.

Gina: I would like a police horse, and I'd like Terry to be riding it almost constantly.

Jake: Terry, that's a lead. We have a lead!
Sergeant Jeffords: We got a lead!
Jake: We got a lead!
Sergeant Jeffords: We're gonna solve this case.
Jake: We're gonna solve this case.
Sergeant Jeffords: I have to use the bathroom.
Jake: I got to use the bathroom! I actually don't; I just got in the rhythm of it.

Amy: Hey, Slowpoke. When we get out of here, I'm gonna needlepoint you a pillow that says, "Kapow."
Rosa: Hey, Amy. You suck.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? There's more room on that pillow-
Rosa: Real quick, before you finish: you still suck.
Amy: Argh! I'm working so much harder than you on this trash talk, and I'm the one whose feelings are getting hurt.

Jake: Counterpoint: you two make an adorable couple. Might I suggest putting him in a mug and pretending to take a sip? Terry, are you stomping off to do my thing?

Jake: Let's see what we got here. 40 photos of you standing next to the guy in the wheelchair and his cat.
Sergeant Jeffords: They did a photoshoot. They made mouse pads.
Jake: They are bad dudes.

Jake: Anyways, you know how you didn't solve that case 20 years ago?
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for reminding me. You don't see me bringing up how you burned your junk off.
Jake: That didn't happen. There was just some light blistering.

Sergeant Jeffords: Didn't work. I have more kittens than before.
Jake: What? How?

Jake: You can crush metal with your bare hands. You can lift a city bus. You can make your boobies do that bouncy thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're called pecs.
Jake: Same thing. Now, get on over to the 6-5 and make those big jerks take back that tiny kitten.

Jake: What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier, a tank!
Rosa: Two tanks. I want a tank too.
Jake: Great, so everyone gets a tank.

Sergeant Jeffords: The reason bullies get to me is because I lived with one my dad. He was a cruel man who didn't like his life, and he took it out on me.
Jake: Okay, okay. Now we're getting somewhere. If you're having dad problems, that's my jam, son.
Sergeant Jeffords: Real weird take on my crappy father.

Captain Holt: All right. Attention: the 9-9 will be hosting a bomb-defusing class tomorrow. I highly recommend attending. Defusing an explosive device is the ultimate test of skill under pressure. And the stakes: life or death.

Jake: Okay, so who sent you a kitten and why do you hate it?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a kitten. It's a slap in the face for something that happened 20 years ago.
Jake: When you had a flat top? I know you had a flat top, 'cause I saw pictures. Sorry, go on with your story, Flat Top Terry.

Adrian Pimento: My landlord kicked me out because my stupid neighbors couldn't handle a few tiny night screams. I was dreaming that someone was trying to scalp me with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.
Charles: Aren't brains fascinating? I mean, where does it come up with this stuff?
Adrian Pimento: When I was undercover, someone did try and scalp me with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.
Charles: Sure, that would do it.

Jake: Circus trash! It has to be him.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's exactly what I said. [flashback to 1995] Circus trash! It has to be him.