Captain Holt: This facility is a violent place filled with hardened criminals We need to send someone who can blend in.
Amy: Sir, I would be honored to take on this challenging assignment. [laughter] Why is everyone laughing? I can be a badass.
Gina: You're raising your hand right now.
Amy: We're in a meeting!

Captain Holt: Now, funeral assignments. Gina and I will greet people, shaking hands and checking for the tell-tale scar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Excuse me, sir. Are you sure you want to be on the receiving line? You hate small talk.
Captain Holt: No, I can turn it on when it's called for. "The Bachelor" is a television show, hmm? Andre Agassi's at it again. I, too, avoid gluten.

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina and I have been here 20 minutes.
Gina: Though my presence is not puzzle-related. I just followed Terry into a dark closet.

Jake: Okay, this is it, I'm leaving. You're in charge.
Charles: I'll take extra good care of her, Jake.
Jake: Just let her do her thing. But this is Texas, so also make sure she doesn't somehow get the death penalty.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we can't just arrest Figgis, because he has a man inside the FBI.
Jake: The good news is, we have a lead that's gonna break this case wide open: Maura Figgis, Jimmy's sister. She's currently serving in a maximum security prison in Texas.
Sergeant Jeffords: A white woman in prison, in Texas? [scoffs] She must be bad.

Charles: Hey, hey, hey. The baby can hear you yelling and it's upsetting him.
Amy: It's a fake baby, Charles.
Charles: I meant me. The baby's a cover.

Captain Holt: Hello, thank you so much for coming. High five? Detective Pimento didn't want his funeral to feel stuffy. Condolences, my man.

Sergeant Jeffords: Right, um, so, what's going on, sir?
Captain Holt: Oh, I have a plan to draw out Figgis's man in the FBI: Throw a funeral for Pimento. Now, before we, quote, unquote, bury Pimento, we need to, quote, unquote, open an investigation, find a, quote, unquote, corpse, and obtain a, quote, unquote, death certificate.
Gina: Kind of feel like you could have just used "air quotes."
Captain Holt: I could also wear short pants and drink from a jug that says "XXX".

Jake: Do you see Amy? How is she?
Charles: Great. She just got lunch, double helping of spinach. Baby's gonna love that folic acid.
Jake: You are so strange.

Jake: Yeah, try and spread the word that you've got a connect on the outside that gives you access to contrabands: cigarettes, burner phones-
Amy: Pornography.
Jake: Amy, women don't watch-They do?
Charles: Mm. Oh, yeah.
Jake: Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. Huh. Well, that's an exciting revelation for me.

Rosa: Adrian Pimento was very special for me. And now he's gone. And I'm starting to realize there's nothing I can do to bring him back. I guess life is gonna suck for a while.

Rosa: There's nothing to be sad about. Pimento's gonna come back, we're gonna get married and we're gonna have sex on Figgis's grave just like we planned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cool honeymoon.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, since you're not in prison, you can help us. We're gonna throw a fake funeral to draw out our FBI guy.
Rosa: Good plan. I always thought it would be funny to kill somebody at a funeral [laughs]
Sergeant Jeffords: Also, you're gonna have to play the grieving fiancée.
Rosa: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: So you may not be sad, but you're gonna need to look it.
Rosa: Fine. Boo hoo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe we'll get you a real thick veil or something.

Jake: Good, she's abbreviating, just like we practiced, even though she hates it.
Charles: She's gonna do just fine.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I drilled her for hours. Ew. I'm sorry, I just realized what that sounded like.
Charles: It's okay, Jake. I wish we'd talk like that more.
Jake: No.

Captain Holt: All that we know about Figgis's man in the FBI is that he's a white male of average height and build, and according to Jake, he has a scar on his hand.
Gina: Oh, this is a long-shot, but if his name is Joe, could we call him Scar-Joe?
Captain Holt: Scar-Joe. Never heard that before. I like it. We'll use it.

Jake: We need a new plan.
Amy: And I've got one. I need to step to her.
Jake: Step to her? Amy, this isn't "High School Musical".
Charles: Yeah, Amy, this isn't "High School Musical 2".
Jake: Yeah, and it isn't "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".
Amy: All right.
Jake: Point is, it's not a high school musical.
Charles: That's right.
Amy: I got it.

Captain Holt: He's a pickpocket. I guess the bereft are easy targets. Also, Scully, here's your wallet back.

Charles: How's Amy doing? Is she paying enough attention to her pelvic floor?
Jake: Ignoring that.

Jake: You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong. The truth is, I'm the one that's not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love, unarmed, locked up with all these murderers. It's just too much for me.

Rosa: I'd also like to add the next person who hugs me gets their necks snapped.
Gina: And she's back.

Jake: Ka-blamo, scrubs. I nailed it. I solved Captain Holt's brain teaser and found the location of our secret meeting. The answer? The broom closet. In your face.
Sergeant Jeffords: In whose face now?
Jake: Yours.

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Jake: Remember, the only people we can trust with this information are in this room.
Charles: And Genevieve. We can trust Genevieve. We share a life. I tell her everything.
Jake: Fine, the people in this room, and Genevieve.
Charles: Genevieve's mom also knows, but she's in a coma, dead any second, we're good.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: So, what are you in for, Cortez?
Amy: None of your damn business.
Jake: Nice. Keep going with that.
Amy: I'm gonna split you like a sundae with Grandpa bitch.
Jake: Okay. Okay. The "bitch" part was great.
Charles: Yeah.
Jake: Although, mean threats generally don't involve having desserts with your grandparents.

Jake: That big old womb is not a weapon, okay? It's just an excuse to talk to your doctors, AKA, Charles and me, in private. If you need to chat, just schedule an appointment with Brent Kennedy, OB-GYN.
Charles: And I'm Glen Kennedy, OB-GYN. We're twins, like "Property Brothers," but for gynecology.
Jake: No, I said no to that idea.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Rosa: Wait. Where's Captain Holt? Where's Amy?
Gina: Yeah, she should be the first one here. Doesn't she go to, like, an adult puzzle camp every summer?
Jake: Yes, but please don't bring that up. I've been throwing out her mailers.

Gina: Time of death: 8:26 p.m. Now all I have to do is sign as the coroner.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are disturbingly good at this.
Gina: I grew up forging report cards. If people knew how smart I was, it would have been harder to control them.

Captain Holt: All this sneaking around is exhilarating. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. Coursing.

Charles: Don't forget, you're seven months pregnant. Your cervix is ripening as we speak.
Rosa: Mention my cervix again and I will rip your throat out.

Captain Holt: I just assumed Diaz would be the prisoner. Nothing personal, it's just, you know she's terrifying.
Rosa: Thank you, Sir.

Captain Holt: [starts playing classical music] All right, listen up.
Gina: Urgh! You're not gonna try to convince us Mahler was the original punk rocker again, are you?
Captain Holt: No, the music is a classic counter-espionage maneuver. I don't want to be overheard. But, since you mention it, Mahler was one in-your-face bad boy.

Jake: You are Isaac Schwartz, my older Jewish mentor, and you are Isabel Cortez.
You're in for stabbing a man on the subway 46 times in the trachea.
Rosa: Tight.

Charles: I think it's amazing. Oh, Jake and Amy and baby makes three. I don't know if I believe in God, but I have prayed for this.
Jake: That is psychotic.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry prison didn't work out.
Rosa: Eh, I'll find another use for that shiv.

Amy: Hey, that was crazy, right? I mean, I can be scary.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I watch "Jeopardy" with you and you're a straight-up psycho.
Amy: Aww. Thanks, babe.
Jake: I'll take "Awesome Girlfriends" for 500, Alex.
Amy: I know you're being sweet, but don't disparage "Jeopardy."
Jake: Okay.

Charles: I'm really impressed with you two. You disagreed with the best strategy, but talked it through like adults.
Jake: Well, the key is trust. I trust her to stay out of danger, and she trusts me not to interfere.
Charles: Oh, my God. She just pushed Figgis into the garbage.
Jake: She's in danger. I must interfere.

Jake: But it's only because Maura is so much more terrifying than we anticipated. I mean, she has a full back tattoo of herself stabbing a guy.
Charles: He looks like Tom Hanks!
Jake: Yeah, and that's America's male sweetheart.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry that wasn't Scar-Joe.
Rosa: I don't want to talk about it. Talking about your feelings is for losers.
Sergeant Jeffords: I guess Adele's a loser in your world.

Jake: Stay tough, Cortez.
Charles: You're touching her boob. Should I turn away, or-
Jake: I'm not touching her boob. She's tiny on the screen. I'm just saying good-bye, man.
Charles: You know, why don't I turn and give you privacy?
Jake: No, don't turn. That's what makes it weird. Ugh!

Sergeant Jeffords: You said there's nothing you can do to bring him back, but you're wrong. None of us are gonna stop fighting until he comes home.
Rosa: Thanks.
Sergeant Jeffords: And if you ever need to talk, or get drunk, or throw stuff off a roof, I mean, I don't know your process. Am I hitting on anything here?
Rosa: The roof thing sounds pretty good.

Captain Holt: Very well. Let's throw something off the roof and then we'll get back to work. High five. I quite like them now.

Rosa: Hey. You solved the puzzle before me. Nerds!
Jake: [scoffs] They solved it first. They're the nerds. I'm cool like you.

Captain Holt: Take off your gloves and show us your hands.
Gina: And no scar. He's just a glove-wearing freak with beautiful hands.

Amy: Fine, I'll slow-play it. But people are getting suspicious, so you can't come running in every time I'm in the same room with her, okay?
Jake: Yeah, okay. Are we good?
Amy: Yeah, we're good.
Charles: This is so sweet. Now kiss her belly.
Jake: Boyle!
Amy: Boyle!

Amy: I can't believe this. You wouldn't tell Rosa to stand down.
Jake: Well, yeah, because she's Rosa. I mean, one time, I saw her eat a whole apple using a knife, just like in the movies.
Amy: Get over the apple thing. That was three years ago.
Jake: I know, it was just so cool.

Amy: What's going on? I was stepping to her.
Jake: I know, but it wasn't a good time. She was holding a 20-pound weight. That's basically Thor's hammer, babe.

Jake: Okay, I can see that logic, but in the interest of keeping you as un-shanked as possible, I think maybe we need a signal in case things go south.
Charles: Ooh, I know. Scratch your butt.
Jake: No, that's no good. What if her butt itches for real?
Amy: I think I can handle it. I've made it through 20 years of adulthood without scratching my butt in public.
Jake: Amy.
Charles: Amy.
Jake: Come on.
Charles: Come on.
Both: Come on.
Amy: All right.
Jake: Never?
Charles: Ames, come on. Come on.

Jake: Look, we called you in because your first contact with Figgis was a disaster.
Amy: Why? Because our smuggling plan backfired and she threatened to kill me?
Jake: Yes, every single detail of what you just said.

Amy: Well, I didn't see your name on the outside of the prison, unless your name is Texas State Penitentiary, Spring Valley Unit.

Sergeant Jeffords: Now all we need is the death certificate officially notarized.
Amy: You want me to break the sacred oath I took to become a notary? It's not a problem. 'Cause I'm a badass. Just like Rosa. So I am going to stamp this, and violate my oath-
Gina: [stamps the death certificate] You can keep talking, but we're done here.

Sergeant Jeffords: Also, I'm sorry about Pimento. I mean, I know how hard it is to have a fiancée disappear because the mob and the FBI want 'em dead. I mean- Actually, I can't relate at all. It's the saddest story I ever heard.

Amy: Keep telling me what to do and I'll stab your face off.
Charles: Hell yes!
Jake: Damn! Like that.

Amy: My name is Isabel Cortez, I'm in for murder, 'cause some perv on the subway tried to touch me and I was like, "Did someone order a tracheotomy?"
Jake: Okay, I think that's a little too technical. We need to work on your tough talk.

Charles: Nice job, Cortez. Oh, I touched her boob. I've got to tell Jake!

Rosa: Urgh, this church is so quiet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pretty normal for a moment of silence.