Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.
Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?
Captain Holt: No, something much stranger.
[cut to] Jake: [slowed audio] You were right.
Captain Holt: I knew then that you were up to something, so I followed you here. I guessed the combination on the first try: 69-69.
Jake: June 9, 1969, the day my parents got married.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.
Jake: My mom's birthday.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: The moon landing.
Captain Holt: Nope.
Jake: Fine, you're right. It's a completely random number.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.

Captain Holt: Oh, now, Stella, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman with nice, heavy breasts.

Captain Holt: Good morning, Carly, Tanny. Looks like you're keeping the machines running smoothly.
Carly: Whatever.
Captain Holt: Carly will be the first to go.

Captain Holt: This is your fault.
Jake: Or maybe it's your fault for stealing my files. You know what? It doesn't matter. We have to get that video. Can we please just press pause on this fight and work together?
Captain Holt: Yes, on one condition: you stay the hell away from my walking group.
Jake: The walking group meant nothing to me.
Captain Holt: That's even worse!

Taylor: Damn, Greg, you are killing it as assistant manager. I mean, having the idea to have people come in at 9:00 a.m. that has really helped business.
Captain Holt: Yes, that is when the sign says we're open.

Captain Holt: If that woman posts her camera phone video that she took with a camera phone camera to the Internet, Figgis could figure out where we are.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain Holt: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Hestus: But you guys getting ink, or what?
Captain Holt: No, I already have a tattoo.
Jake: What? Where? Why? How? When?
Captain Holt: I will never talk about it again.
[Jake groans]

Captain Holt: We're not cops anymore. How are we gonna get access to those files?
Jake: Easy: I walk in there dressed as an exterminator saying I'm from 1-2-3 Pest Removal. Secretary's like, "Never heard of you." Then I'm like, [Scottish accent:] "Listen, lassie, it's best you let me speak with your principal." I hear it. I'm gonna drop the accent. She takes me to see the principal you walk in behind me and download the file.
Captain Holt: The only question is, where are we gonna find an exterminator's outfit?
Jake: We're gonna need khaki pants and a khaki shirt.
Captain Holt: To my casual wear closet.

Jordan Carfton: I'm uploading the video tomorrow at my cousin's wedding. Dog track has free Wi-Fi.
Jake: Would you ever consider not uploading it and deleting it instead? If our boss sees that video, we could be fired.
Jordan Carfton: I don't care about you. A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money? A mid-range one.
Captain Holt: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.

Captain Holt: We don't have that kind of money.
Jake: Don't worry. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. The only thing I need you to do is-
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna show you my tattoo.
Jake: Come on, just give me a hint. Is it an antique boat? Is it a musket? Is it me on a dragon? ... Sir, is it me on a dragon?!

Captain Holt: So I marched in there and I told him I wanted that assistant manager position.
Estelle: I wish my son had your backbone. Then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?
Captain Holt: Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude, ladies, but that's just how the straight mind works.

Jake: Now if you'll excuse me, I got to drive this Bee-otch back to work.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry. This is the Ikura Bee-otch 5,000. Brand-new model. Just came in. I was gonna go for the 10,000, but that Bee-otch is way too fancy.

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Pop quiz. Greg, where did you go to college?
Captain Holt: Ohio State, where I majored in ... communications.

Captain Holt: Marshal Haas.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Greg.
[Jake arrives on his ATV, his engine revving]
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Larry.
Jake: I can't hear you. Can you hear me?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I cannot hear you.
Captain Holt: What did you say? We can't hear you.
Jake: I can't hear you; I think my engine's too loud.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: It's your engine. Turn off your engine.
Jake: I don't know how to turn off the engine. We should talk in your car.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Let's all talk in my car.
Captain Holt: Let's talk in the marshall's car.
Jake: I think we should talk in her-

Captain Holt: Can I take this for a test drive?
Jake: Yeah, sure. The ignition is here.
Captain Holt: I've ridden ATVs before antiquing in the Berkshires.

Captain Holt: What if we don't find Figgis? What if Figgis finds us? [holds up a smart phone]
Jake: But I thought you deleted the file.
Captain Holt: I was going to, but this camera phone camera is not the same kind of camera phone camera as I have, so I couldn't figure out how.

Captain Holt: So we're in Florida indefinitely. You okay?
Jake: I squirt-anly am. Poor choice of words, but the sentiment remains.

Captain Holt: Excuse me, sir, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Taylor: Uh, one second. I'm busy. [buzzer] Oh, at the buzzer! Suck it, Chase, you dirty, little hippy.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, well, um, as you know, I've been here for four months, and I think I'm a model employee.
Taylor: Oh, no doubt. No doubt. You had the idea to install sinks in the bathrooms. I love that.
Captain Holt: Yes, what I'm getting at is, I'd like to be assistant manager.
Taylor: [scoffs] You serious? Oh, I just never expected you to be interested in management. I mean, you don't seem like the type of person who's really interested in leadership roles.
Captain Holt: Really? Anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I'm very hard-working.
Taylor: Yeah, when you're not totally blazed.
Captain Holt: I assure you that's not me.
Taylor: Okay, tell that to the Count Blunt-ula T-shirt that you were rocking last week.
Captain Holt: It was the only thing in lost and found. A child and his father threw up on me.
Taylor: Okay, I'll think about it. Management! Full of surprises, Greg.

Captain Holt: I say we post this video and use it to lure Figgis down here, making ourselves into bait.
Jake: And once Figgis is here, we take him down, climb out of America's steaming orifice, and go home. I like the way you're thinking, Greg.
Captain Holt: It's Holt. Captain Raymond Holt. Now come and get us, Figgis.

Captain Holt: You okay?
Jake: [grunts] Yeah. A little sore, but-
Captain Holt: Good. Then I can excoriate you freely.

Taylor: Look, there's one other thing. Now that you're management, I need you to promise me that you're gonna lay off the drugs. Just a little. I don't want to kill your whole stoney vibe or anything.
Captain Holt: I'll try.
Taylor: Thank you. You keep this up, and I genuinely believe that you could be night manager in, like, two to three years.
Captain Holt: Yes. Two or three years. Here. In Florida.

Captain Holt: Hi, I hear you're the man to talk to about the XTR-XP 49789WJ8-09 Xtreme four-wheel drive Z-Cat.

Captain Holt: Have you posted that video to the Internet?
Jordan Carfton: Not yet. Ran out of data on my phone because of all the porn I watched.
Jake: We don't know each other. You could've just said you were out of data.

Jake: Okay, now all we have to do is go to Dan Marino High and get all the personal info on the class of 2003 and then show each other our tattoos.
Captain Holt: Never going to happen.

Jake: Sir, I'm gonna stop you right there. I think you might be more comfortable speaking with one of our other associates.
Captain Holt: No, no, I need to talk to this particular associate and apologize for saying he half-assed his ATV sales technique.
Jake: Well, that's very nice, but I've moved on, and I'm with customers, so thanks.
Captain Holt: [to the customers] These machines are death traps. If you purchase one, you will be maimed.
Jake: [laughs] You won't be maimed. Most of the injuries are internal.

Hestus: Actually, you know what? That's a high school graduation ring. Dan Marino High, class of 2003.
Jake: Marino High, home of the Dolphins, I suspect.
Hestus: Nope, Pet Detectives. Town was really into Marino's cameo in Ace Ventura.
Jake: Ah, it stands to reason. Classic film, one of my childhood favorites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end, so a win.

Captain Holt: What did you find?
Jake: Not much. Camera was behind her. But look at her calf. It's a tattoo of Jesus punching bin Laden in the nuts.
Captain Holt: Hmm. Maybe a local tattoo artist will recognize it. It can't be that common.
Hestus: That's the most common tattoo we give.

Jake: What did this lady look like?
Captain Holt: White, female, 5'3", T-shirt that read, "Orgasm Donor."
Jake: We need more.

Captain Holt: Hey, Larry.
Jake: Oh, hey Greb.
Captain Holt: Greg.
Jake: Ah, that was it. I'm not sure why I have so much trouble remembering probably 'cause our relationship is so casual.

Captain Holt: Uh, do a lap without me. I need to talk to Larry about an issue with our shared fence. Larry, I need to talk to you about an issue with our shared fence.
Jake: Yes, I also need to discuss this shared fence issue with you.

Jake: Okay, fine, I may have had a teensy bit of trouble adjusting when we first got here for, like, six teensy, little months, but I took your advice, and I got a job.
Captain Holt: Doing what?
Jake: I sell ATVs now, eh? Well, the truth is, these little babies sell themselves. They're super fun, and they're a lot safer than you might think if you're standing next to one. If you're driving it, it's actually much more dangerous than you could possibly imagine.

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Larry, what's your favorite movie?
Uh, "Die Hard".
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Wrong. Jake's favorite movie is Die Hard. I asked you for Larry's favorite movie.
Jake: Two people can have the same favorite movie.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: They can, but they don't. Larry's favorite movie is Failure to Launch. Say it. Say, "My favorite movie is Failure to Launch."
Jake: My favorite movie is Failure to Launch.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I wish I could believe you.

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Pop quiz, Larry: who's the female lead in Failure to Launch?
Jake: Kate Hudson?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Sarah Jessica Parker, man! God, it's like you want to die.

Captain Holt: Oh, hey, Larry.
Jake: Ah, hello, Groot.
Captain Holt: Greg.
Jake: Right.
Captain Holt: Is there an issue with our shared fence that we must discuss?
Jake: Nope, our shared fence is fine. Just off to work.

Captain Holt: Is there something going on at the ATV lot?
Jake: Yes, uh, having a sale on big, old springs.
Captain Holt: Shocks.
Jake: Right. I knew that; I was just dumbing it down for you. At any rate, I am off. Honk, honk. I don't know where the horn is.

Captain Holt: ATVs? The only thing you're selling is a huge pile of bunk.

Captain Holt: How did you even get this job? You have zero experience. I guess you lied on your resume.
Jake: [chuckles] Greg, you stoney macaroni [whispering] Of course I lied on my resume. Our entire lives are a lie. I straight up said I was that guy who landed the plane on the Hudson.

Captain Holt: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school. Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

Jake: How did you get here so fast?
Captain Holt: You were walking. I was power-walking. [cut to] Roll heel, ball, toe roll heel, ball, toe.

Captain Holt: You half-assed living in Florida, and you half-assed getting the phone back. You've probably blown our cover, which means the marshals will have to move us. And when they do, I'm gonna demand they send us to different cities, because I don't want you anywhere near me.
Jake: I swapped the phones.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: I got the video. Sorry. I won't bother you anymore. Bye, Greg.

Jake: Look, the feds are useless. They're never gonna catch Figgis, so I'm working the case. I want to get home and see Amy. Don't you want to see Kevin?
Captain Holt: Of course I do. But we were told not to get involved. Why can't you just follow orders?
Jake: Because I hate this stupid place, and I've got to get out. This town's claim to fame is that its mayors keep dying, and no one knows why. That's insane.

Taylor: Hey, everyone, just want to introduce you to our new assistant manager, Larry Sherbet.
Captain Holt: Son of a bitch.
Taylor: Larry, you want to say a few words?
Jake: Absolutely. Thanks. Hey, everybody. Uh, couple things about my management style. Number one: don't nobody ask me about what's in my cup, we ain't gonna have no problems. [laughing] Uh, two, I believe in the power of nicknames.
Smile Face, Senorita Swag, Kahuna!
Taylor: Oh, yeah.
Jake: And you, my friend, we will call Mr. Fart.
Captain Holt: Seems rather unprofessional.
Taylor: He called you "Mr." Fart, Mr. Fart.
Jake: Thanks, Kahuna. Guys, can I get real with you for one sec? [slurping] I used to work for a real stickler the type of guy that just got off on telling me what to do. One time, he invaded my private space and stole my stuff.
Taylor: Why would he do that?
Captain Holt: Perhaps he had a good reason.
Jake: Wrong, Mr. Fart. He was a jerk and he sucked. But he was the one who motivated me to get off my ass and get this job, so in a way, we really have him to thank for all this happening.

Taylor: How great is this guy, Greg?
Jake: Wait, that's Greg?
Taylor: Yeah.
Jake: The stoner?
Taylor: Yeah, look at him. He's such a Rasta.
Jake: Aw, total Rasta.

Captain Holt: Well, a job is good. I know being stuck down here in Florida isn't ideal, but we need to make the best of it. In fact, I'm applying for a promotion at my new job.
Jake: Ah, very noice.
Captain Holt: And if all goes well, tonight you might be neighbors with Greg Stickney, Assistant Manager.
Jake: Very double noice.

Jake: What is this all about? I've been staying away from you; I got a job.
I'm trying to make the best of it, just like you said.
Captain Holt: Well, don't bother. Making the best of it sucks. I want to go home. This town is a crap circus.

Jake: What has gotten into you? You clearly got the promotion like you wanted. Congratulations, by the way. The blue looks great on you.

Jake: Okay, we got teenagers stealing a stuffed gorilla, old lady siphoning gas out of a go-kart, junkie ripping copper wires out of the wall God, this place is messed up.