Captain Holt: You're annoying my mother.
Jake: Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
Captain Holt: I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Jake: Definitely not what that's short for.

Jake: The alarm company said the break-in happened around 7:30. Most people are home at that time. Is there anyone who knew you'd be out?
Laverne Holt: The people who were with me at wine club. Oh my, I just remembered, Carol Spitzheim's house was broken into several months ago, also during wine club.
Captain Holt: Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.
Laverne Holt: I would say infinitesimally.
Jake: Yes, and I would say teenily-weenily. We all know words.

Captain Holt: Enough! He robbed my mother.
Jake: No, he didn't. He's her lover. He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.

Jake: Final question. Is this little Raymond's macaroni art?
Laverne Holt: No, that's a macaroni infographic he made about educational spending during the Johnson administration.
Jake: Oh, of course it is. I love it.

Jake: This is amazing. Spending time with your mother in your childhood home. Ah, the adorable baby pictures, the embarrassing stories. The Founding Fathers Underoos.
Captain Holt: There will be no Underoos.
Jake: You went commando?
Captain Holt: That's enough.

Jake: Well, well, well. I hear you don't like answering questions, Marco. That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking. Ooh, handle fell off. I'll just grab that. Nope. So looks like we're locked in. That's bad news for you, 'cause you're trapped in here with a psycho. Has anyone tried it from the outside?
Sergeant Jeffords: Lock's broken. Gotta call facilities.
Jake: Copy that. No rush. As I said, I got all the time in the wor- It's a little warm in here, right? Do you feel any air coming out of that vent? I got nothing. We got an ETA on facilities?
Charles: At least 45 minutes.
Jake: And they've checked all this paint for lead, right? And the room for asbestos. I feel like I'm sucking on a tailpipe in here, Marcos! Everybody get away from the mirror! Come on! I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Marco: Hey, calm down, man. I'll confess. Just stop freaking out.
Jake: What?
Marco: I did it. I robbed 'em.
Jake: Boom! And that's how it's done. I was faking the whole thing to break him. I coulda stayed in here forever.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good, 'cause facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
Jake: We're gonna die in here!

Laverne Holt: Oh, Daniella, these are two prospective members, Tyrone and Tank.
Tyrone likes Bordeauxs, and Tank is beloved by mothers.
Jake: Yes.
Daniella: Great. Could I get your info for our database?
Jake: Absolutely. I live at 100 Charming Avenue. And Tyrone here is at 328 2nd Street, right next to Ya Burnt Pizza.
Daniella: Great. Enjoy your tasting.
Jake: Thanks.
Captain Holt: 100 Charming Avenue?
Jake: It's a real place. I looked it up, specifically to make you mad.

Captain Holt: Buckle up. That car belongs to our lead suspect, George Kenderson.
Jake: Lead suspect? Is that how we left it? I remember saying, it can't be Kenderson. Remember, we made up that little song. Can't be Kenderson, Kenderson is not the one. Back to the drawing board, back to the draw-

Captain Holt: There's something so devious about taking advantage of wine lovers. But there won't be any wine where you're headed, George. Unless you make it in a toilet. Toilet wine. Let's bring him in, Peralta.

Hitchcock: You know what really chafes my crack? We spent years crafting that break room into something special, something comfortable.
Scully: A place with so many stains that the new ones just blended in.
Hitchcock: Where the couch cushions were so worn down, they comforted all butts, large or small, flat or juicy.
Charles: Juicy?
Rosa: Gross.
Scully: We built a masterpiece, and you amateurs flushed it down the toilet. Skir-plash.
Charles: Was that supposed to be a flushing sound?
Scully: Skir-plash.

Amy: Huh? No, I wasn't listening to either of you. Look who's in Captain Holt's office.
Jake: Who that lady?
Amy: You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Laverne Holt.
Charles: Captain Holt's mom.
Jake: The creator.
Amy: Widowed at age 39, Laverne Kinnebrew Holt single-handedly raised two children and still managed to become one of the first black, female federal judges.
Jake: Wow, someone read her Wikipedia page.
Amy: No, Jake, I wrote it.

Amy: And then you release the jack. And voila. Tire changed. Don't you feel empowered?
Gina: Yes, there's nothing more empowering than getting a condescending colleague to do a menial task for you.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Gina: I'm talking about how you just changed my tire while I sat here watching a 20-minute video of a monkey getting its hair combed.
Amy: But you were paying attention. You laughed at my joke.
Gina: Did I?
[cut to: ]
Amy: I like to call this the jack of all trades.
Gina: [watching her phone] Silly monkey! Oh, this monkey.
[present:]
Amy: So you really didn't learn anything?
Gina: No, but I hope you did. Can't school Gina. Gina schools you. Class dismissed.

Captain Holt: We have a lead. George Kenderson. We ran his name through the system. He got a parking ticket outside your apartment last week. We think he was casing your place.
Laverne Holt: Oh, my. That is shocking. I am shocked right now.
Captain Holt: And I am enraged. We are shocked and enraged.
Jake: Yes, and we're all showing it.

Jake: Oh, this is such a beautiful moment. Are you guys hugging? It feels like a hugging moment.
Laverne Holt: In the workplace?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd.
Jake: Stop yelling at me. I saved the day!

Rosa: It's beautiful. Are we better at this than our regular jobs?
Sergeant Jeffords: Unquestionably. We should start our own home renovation show.
Charles: I can see the poster. I'm on Terry's shoulders screwing in a light bulb, and Rosa stands by a ladder looking up at us like, "Oh, boy, what did I get myself into?"
Rosa: I love that idea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sign me up.

Captain Holt: Well, everyone I talked to checked out. Any luck on your end?
Jake: None. Unfortunately we're surrounded by stupid law-abiding citizens.

Captain Holt: I'm hurt that you didn't feel comfortable telling me about George Kenderson.
Laverne Holt: I didn't know how to. We're not very good at talking about personal matters.
Captain Holt: I'd categorize that as an understatement.
Laverne Holt: Humor?
Captain Holt: Yes, to alleviate some of the tension.
Laverne Holt: It worked. After your father died, my personal life was very sad.
I didn't talk to you about it, because I wanted you to think I was strong.
Captain Holt: And I wanted you to think the same of me. I guess eventually we stopped talking about personal matter altogether.
Laverne Holt: I think it's time we let each other off the hook. From now on, I'm going to be 15% more forthcoming on personal details and 5% more physically affectionate.
Captain Holt: And I will adjust in kind, while also implementing a 12% increase in impromptu communication.
Laverne Holt: Oh, Raymond.I love you.
Captain Holt: I love you, too.

Captain Holt: Check out this guy at the bar. He's furtively looking at my mother.
Jake: Well, let's see what he has to say for himself. Hi, there. I'm Tank, this is Tyrone. He's the son of a close friend of mine.
Captain Holt: Anyway, we're new members.
George Kenderson: George Kenderson. I'm fairly new to the club as well.
Captain Holt: How'd you hear about it?
George Kenderson: I, um I didn't.
Captain Holt: You didn't hear about it? That seems rather odd.
George Kenderson: Does it?
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
George Kenderson: I'm sorry, I gotta leave now. I've got some work to do. Good-bye.
Jake: When it comes to George, I'm getting hints of guilty with undertones of lying.
Captain Holt: Oh, yeah, and a strong bouquet of "up to no good."
Jake: [chuckles] Wine terms.

Jake: Daniella and her husband confessed to the burglary and two others. We've already recovered a number of your items.
Laverne Holt: Thank you for the information. Where's Raymond?
Jake: Oh, he couldn't make it. He's attending to some urgent business.
Captain Holt: That's a stone cold lie.
Laverne Holt: Raymond?
Captain Holt: Cowabunga, mother!
Laverne Holt: What?
Jake: Yes.
Captain Holt: We need to talk.
Laverne Holt: I'd say that's accurate.

Amy: Hello, Gina.
Gina: Ugh! I knew a truck carrying Khloe Kardashian jeans didn't overturn in the parking garage.

Rosa: So we tried to put everything back the way it was. We want your seal of approval.
Hitchcock: Oh, we'll be the judge of that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, that's what we're asking for.

Jake: All right, sir, I'm sorry that I got in the middle of your family business, but I'm afraid I have to get in the middle of it again. Look, I don't talk about this a lot, but I actually have had a difficult relationship with one of my parents.
Captain Holt: Yes, your father. You talk about it obsessively.
Jake: Well, I wouldn't say obsessively. I mean, sure, there are times where I wish he was there for me more but-
Captain Holt: Peralta!
Jake: Right.

Jake: Okay, I called some precincts, and it turns out that while we were at wine club, there was an attempted break-in at 100 Charming Avenue.
Captain Holt: Oh, yes, the address you used at the wine club specifically to make me mad.
Jake: Well, I wouldn't put it that way.
Captain Holt: You put it that way last night, verbatim.

Captain Holt: What? That's not true.
Jake: Yes, it is.
Captain Holt: I would know if she were seeing someone.
Jake: She told me last night. They've been together for two years.
Captain Holt: I see.
Jake: And she asked me not to say anything to you.
Captain Holt: I see.
Jake: So are you upset or just processing or just stopping in the middle of nowhere and getting out of the car? Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Jake: Stop honking! He's going through something!

Jake: Look, I know it must have been upsetting to find out about your mom's, mm, how you say sex. No. Boinking. No. Doinking. Ah, it's too similar to boinking. I'm looking for the words. Smashing of stuffs together. Eh, let's just go with she has a boyfriend now.

Amy: The only thing that's overturned is your decision to not learn how to fix a tire.
Gina: Why won't you let this go?
Amy: My parents wanted me to learn how to change a tire, and I thought it was a waste of time. Like any other 16-year-old girl, all I wanted to do was sit in my room alone reading books on U.S. history.
Gina: Ugh, every story about your childhood makes me so sad.

Gina: Anyway, I don't have time for your sob story, okay? I blew a tire on the way here, so I have to call a tow truck.
Amy: A tow truck? What? You don't know how to change a tire? I am so disappointed. That is a life skill that every woman should have.
Gina: Condescending and untrue.

Jake: So why don't you tell us what happened.
Laverne Holt: When I got home last night, I noticed that the window had been smashed, the apartment was a mess, they took all of my jewelry. I assume they entered through the window, but I don't want to color your opinions.
Captain Holt: Too late, but note taken.

Captain Holt: Okay. This is a case. I expect you to act in a professional manner, not a personal one. I know sometimes it's difficult for you to separate the two.
Jake: Ah, you're referring to the fact that I love making everything pro-fer-sonal. Copyright, me. Yeah, people love that around here, especially Amy, if you know what I mean. Wink. Finger gun.
Captain Holt: Perhaps Boyle is still available.
Jake: No, no, no, I'll be good. I'll leave.

Scully: Oh, emergency, Hitchcock! They're stealing Brown Betty.
Hitchcock: Freeze! Get your hands off the couch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. We're getting a new one. We finally got some money to spruce up the break room.
Scully: What? The break room's perfect the way it is. It's so comfortable and relaxed. I can put my butt or feet on any surface in there.

Sergeant Jeffords: Exactly, it's disgusting, which is why we're fixing it. I'm open to any and all suggestions.
Charles: Two words. Property Brothers. And they would say, "Two words, open concept." So four words, Property Brothers, open concept.

Rosa: Let's draw from a wide variety of sources, anything from Cameron Diaz's kitchen in "The Holiday," to Kate Winslet's kitchen in "The Holiday."
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that such a huge range?
Rosa: Why would Iris and Amanda swap houses if they had the same damn kitchen?
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, good point. Open concept, Nancy Meyers-style kitchen.

Captain Holt: Peralta, my mother's house was burgled.
Jake: And you want me to cover the case because I'm your favorite detective of all time.
Captain Holt: Yes, also the "jam on" incident.
Jake: Favorite.

Captain Holt: Detective Peralta, this is my mother, the Honorable Laverne Holt.
Jake: I'm very excited to meet you. And let me just say, I'm a huge fan of your early work. Talking about this guy right here.
Captain Holt: That was humor, mother.
Laverne Holt: I know, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I love laughing and laughter.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: Yes, we all do, but enough chitchat.

Jake: Okay, looks like they broke through this window, rifled through the drawers, and then noticed [gasps] this adorbs photo of tiny Holt with a tiny bow tie holding a tiny toy.
Laverne Holt: That was his first slide rule. He carried it with him all over preschool.
Captain Holt: And then I learned to do trigonometric functions in my head, like a big boy.

Jake: Sorry, baby, but-
Amy: Do you think it was the "jam on" thing?
Jake: Yeah, I think it was the "jam on" thing.

Captain Holt: Santiago, what are you up to?
Amy: Just jammin'. Jam on, jam on.
Captain Holt: Okay, never mind.

Jake: But in my version, everything is a Transformer except cars.
Charles: Oh, right, like some wisecracking biscotti that transforms into a missile launcher.
Amy: No way.
Jake: Well, it might be hard to do the CGI on the biscotti, but, yeah, I think we could pull it off.

Jake: Look, in my experience the best thing to do in these types of situations is just talk about it.
Captain Holt: That's not the relationship my mother and I have. We're not open like that.
Jake: Really? Because you're open with me.
Captain Holt: Only because you ask me annoying, intrusive, personal questions all the time.
Jake: Exactly. You need to do that. Be the Jake in the conversation.
Captain Holt: You want me to just say, "Cowabunga, mom"?
Jake: Oh, yes, that would be awesome.
Captain Holt: Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people.
Dismissed.

Laverne Holt: Hello. I'm Judge Holt.
Captain Holt: It's nice to meet you. I'm Tyrone Beverton, a Bordeaux enthusiast who sometimes dabbles in the Burgundies, if forced.
Jake: And I'm Tank Hendricks. Moms love me.
Laverne Holt: Oh, strange detail. But believable.

Sergeant Jeffords: I've been going at him for six hours. He won't say a word. The guy's a brick wall.
Jake: Not to worry, sarge. I'll take it from here. Hope you boys brought popcorn, 'cause I'm about to put on a show.

Gina: Wondering what happened? I happened. Out of the darkness, a hero emerges.
You know, using only my bare hands and also a few tools I replaced that plebe's flat with one of my tires.
Amy: You changed a tire! You were listening to me.
Gina: Not at all. I watched a video online on how to do it. But I will give you this, it was really empowering.
Amy: Right? And you did such an impressive job, especially for your first time.
Gina: Oh, no, I had a bunch of practice. I actually used your car for that. Thank you so much.
Amy: Oh. You still changed a tire. Counting this as a win.

Amy: Once again, I am so sorry about your tire. Just accidentally slashed it with my knife.
Woman: How does that happen accidentally?
Amy: It's very common. I should know, I'm a cop. Anyway, I will pay for the damage.
Woman: Wait, what's happening? My tire is fine.
Amy: It is? It is! Of course it is. Because this is all part of my prank show, "Fake Tire Slashers." Whoo! And you have won $27. And a dime. There's cameras everywhere. Okay. Thank you.

Captain Holt: Laverne Kinnebrew Holt, you're under arrest for obstruction of justice.
Both: What?
Captain Holt: I know you're sleeping with George.
Jake: Oh, come on, man.
Laverne Holt: Raymond, I can tell that you're upset.
Captain Holt: I am because you withheld information from this detective about an ongoing police investigation.
Jake: All right, I don't think this is actually about police stuff. Maybe we should all just take a deep breath and consider not arresting our moms.
Captain Holt: Fine. You're unarrested, mother. And Detective Peralta, since you two are such good friends, why don't you handle the case on your own? Good day.

Charles: Okay, you're right about the break room.
Hitchcock: Nuh doy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody liked it, and it wasn't functional.
Scully: Double nuh doy.

Hitchcock: Wait a minute, you liars! What's that nice couch doing here?
Sergeant Jeffords: The old couch didn't make it.
Rosa: The second the sunlight hit it, it turned to dust.
Charles: Sorry, guys, we're stuck with the nice, clean expensive sofa. But I guess we'll just have to make do.
Scully: Oh, we'll make do. We'll make do all over it.

Jake: Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Ah, hey, Captain. Whoa, look at that map work. Sick as heck.
Captain Holt: Oh an attempt at flattery. Well, it won't work. This was Boyle's map, and it was adequate at best.

Amy: Then one day on the way to math camp-
Gina: Oh, sad.
Amy: Our tire blew out, and my mother made me fix it. She said I should never be dependent on anyone for anything. And neither should you. So we're not gonna leave here until you learn how to fix this. Oh!
Gina: Oh, damn. Power play. And very moving speech.
Amy: Thank you.
Gina: One little thing though. That's not my car. That's my car. Same make, same model, but you just slashed a random stranger's tire. Oopsie!

Captain Holt: We'll stop by later and check out the crime scene.
Laverne Holt: That sounds appropriate. Well, I should be going. Detective, Captain.
Captain Holt: Your Honor, Detective.
Jake: Captain, Your Honor. Hey, this is fun. Let's do it again. Your Honor, Captain.
Laverne Holt: Humor. Good day, gentlemen.

Rosa: Captain. Hey. What is going on in the kitchen? It's insanely packed.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're all just taking a break. Why is nobody breaking in the new break room?
Hitchcock: 'Cause it's a giant turd.
Scully: It's the worst. It's unusable. You guys don't even like it.

Jake: Hello, sir. How was your walk?
Captain Holt: Long and brisk.
Jake: Wonderful. You left me in the car, took the keys with you. It's still there. Doesn't matter.

Sergeant Jeffords: Two great ideas. Let's keep 'em coming.
Hitchcock: We could get one of those spot-the-difference arcade games with pictures of naked ladies.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tapped out at two.

Gina: Yikes, Amy. What's wrong with you?
Amy: I blew a huge opportunity to work a case with Holt's mom.
Gina: Oh, yeah, I didn't need an answer. "What's wrong" is a rhetorical question.

Laverne Holt: Jake, I need to tell you something in confidence.
Jake: [gasps] It's happening. It's dish time. Okay.
Laverne Holt: George Kenderson did not rob me. He was not casing my apartment.
Jake: How do you know?
Laverne Holt: He was with me that night.
Jake: Doing what? [she looks knowingly at him] Oh, doing you. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I mean, way to go. I'm sex positive. I don't know what to say.
Laverne Holt: George and I have been in a relationship for two years. Raymond doesn't know. Please don't tell him. I'm asking you as a friend.
Jake: As a friend. Copy that.

Gina: Why would I do something myself if I could pay someone else to do it? It's a gig economy, Amy.
Amy: Gina, it feels so empowering to use your own hands to change a tire.
Gina: Phone, call me a tow truck.
Amy: No, phone, no! Look, Gina, don't call a tow truck, okay? I will teach you how to change a tire. You'll be so happy I did.
Gina: Okay, fine, but on one condition. You buy me lunch.
Amy: What? No, I'm doing you a favor.
Gina: Phone-
Amy: Okay, no, no, no, no. Whatever you want, fine. Just let me teach you, please. I need a win today.

Jake: Hello, Laverne. We're not undercover anymore, so I'm no longer your acquaintance Tank. I'm back to being your close personal friend Jake.

Captain Holt: Detective Peralta, can I speak to you in my childhood bedroom?
Jake: Oh, my God, yes. Wait, this isn't your bedroom.
Captain Holt: No, it's a regular room.
Jake: You tricked me.
Captain Holt: That's right. My childhood bedroom is for good detectives who aren't embarrassing themselves.
Jake: It is?
Captain Holt: I know you're having fun, but enough is enough with the prying personal questions.

Captain Holt: I know her very well, and she would never, uh, connect with someone such as yourself, no offense.
Jake: Rude.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. What I mean is she and I are very similar.
Jake: Hurtful.
Captain Holt: All I'm saying is she's not interested in skateboards and soft-water drinks.
Jake: I happen to think you're wrong. I think she and I make a wonderful pair, and we're already becoming friends.
Captain Holt: Now that is humor.

Scully: Shame.
Hitchcock: Shame, shame.
Sergeant Jeffords: What is happening?
Hitchcock: You guys messed up. You messed up big time!
Scully: And worst of all, you're standing here applauding yourselves for it. Shame.
Charles: Are you blind? This place looks amazing. It looks like a Swedish airport. Everyone's gonna love it.
Hitchcock: Just keep telling yourselves that. Shame.
Scully: Shame.

Laverne Holt: Is everything all right?
Jake: Yes, we're all done in here, Your Honor.
Laverne Holt: "Your Honor"? Don't be so formal. Call me Laverne.
Jake: Oh. Okay, Laverne. You got it, Laverne. [to Captain Holt] Laverne!

Charles: And that is that.
Sergeant Jeffords: We have Shui'd the Feng out of this place.

Jake: Well, I know we're undercover, but I gotta say I'm dying to get a little tipsy at wine club and just dish with my new BFF Laverne.
Captain Holt: Hmm, it's cute you think that. My mother doesn't dish. It's one of her better qualities. And you know who else she told to call her Laverne? The mailman. The substitute mailman.