Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Captain Holt: Santiago, I've been your CO for four years. By now, you should be able to stand up for yourself, even if that means telling me off.
Amy: You're right. Just say the word, and I will tell you off.
Captain Holt: Okay, tell me off about losing your pen.
Amy: Oh. Right now? Okay, well, it makes me feel pretty annoyed.
Captain Holt: Good. Go on.
Amy: It grates my cheese. I mean, it just really grates my cheese. Grr!
Captain Holt: Oh, Santiago, you're faking.
Amy: Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
Captain Holt: Just admit it.
Amy: Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
Captain Holt: That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
Amy: It was good. Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
Amy: Uh-
Captain Holt: What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
Amy: Well-
Captain Holt: You know what? I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Amy: Sir, are you all right?
Captain Holt: I failed you, Santiago. I want my officers to respect the chain of command, but I never want anyone to be so terrified of me that they repress basic emotions. I'm a terrible captain.
Amy: Stop that. You are not a terrible captain.
Captain Holt: Santiago, face facts. I'm garbage.
Amy: No, this is about me and my issues with authority. You've been great.
Captain Holt: Wrong, I've been a disaster.
Amy: I can't believe you would blame yourself for this. How stupid are you?
Captain Holt: So stupid. I'm such a stupid head.
Amy: The fact that you think this has anything to do with you is insane. Do you even-[gasps] Oh, my God, I'm yelling at you.
Captain Holt: Yes, you are. You're in the zone. Keep going.
Amy: Oh, okay. I can't believe you lost my pen. That was careless and rude!
Captain Holt: And?
Amy: And it was a real jerk move!
Captain Holt: Santiago! You did it!
Amy: And I am so sick of you playing your damn classical music in your office all day. It's too loud! We can all hear it!
Captain Holt: Okay, well, this has been-
Amy: You shut your mouth when I'm talking to you.
Captain Holt: Santiago.
Amy: Right, too far. I'm sorry. This is all very new for me.

Jake: Yeah, I really wish he'd show up. I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.
Rosa: That's, like, the third time today, man. What is going on with you?
Jake: Oh, Amy freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day. It's, like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza.
Rosa: That's grease, Jake.
Jake: Well, it's wet, isn't it?

Captain Holt: Due to its absence, I borrowed Amy's favorite pen, and I lost it.
Gina: That pen is her best friend. I'm not even saying that as an insult. I've heard her say it.

Captain Holt: Gina, as you know, my fountain pen is being re-nibbed in Germany.
Gina: Yes, it's all no one is talking about.

Hitchcock: Last night, Scully said he was sick, so I went by myself. Guess who was there, healthy as a clam? Mr. Liar and his new tart Cindy Shatz. What happened to our bro code? Badge before va-
Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock, no.

Gina: My God, you two are fools. [laughs] Your folly was in treating them as children.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course, we should've been treating 'em like adults.
Gina: No, wrong again. They're not children. They're not adults. They're animals. Filthy, wild animals and they need to be treated accordingly.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission. I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Jake: Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.

Jake: Look, I know it sucks there's only one spot, but working for Hawkins is my dream. I mean, she takes down the biggest criminals in the city.
Rosa: I get it. Dude, it's just, our captain's a man, our sergeant's a man. Every superior officer I've ever had has been a man. It just seemed cool to work for a badass woman like Hawkins for once, but whatever, I'm good. Also, I spiked your gum with caffeine.
Jake: How?

Charles: Guys, why are you fighting? You're best friends.
Hitchcock: Every Sunday after church, Scully and I have dinner together at Wing Sluts.
Charles: We know. You get ribs and White Russians and watch "Undercover Boss."

Sergeant Jeffords: I figured it out, Boyle. They've been acting like kids, so I'm gonna treat 'em like kids.
Charles: Ooh, Daddy's gonna dish out some Daddy discipline. As a fellow daddy, I approve.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop saying "daddy."
Charles: You got it, Papa Bear.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hmm, I actually kinda like that one. Makes me feel strong. Anyway, I'm gonna take away something they love until they stop fighting.
Papa Bear punishment.
Charles: Daddy like!
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle!

Gina: God, I'm gonna make a great dad someday.

Jake: Well, this sucks. Lieutenant Hawkins is my idol, and now she hates me.
Rosa: She is so cool. She's been buried alive three times. I've only been buried alive once.

Charles: Why are you in here?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm hiding from Hitchcock and Scully. I can't take anymore. They got into a meatball fight at breakfast. They win. The bullpen is theirs.
Charles: No way, Papa Bear. When Nikolaj and his best friend fight, I have them do an activity together, like a puppy puzzle. Makes 'em cooperate.
Sergeant Jeffords: So are you saying we give Hitchcock and Scully a case and make 'em work it together?
Charles: No, no, no, we give them a puppy puzzle. Now let's go to town on 'em daddy-style.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: "There will not be a four." Die Hard. Nice.
Jake: You like "Die Hard"?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Best movie ever.
Jake: Best franchise ever. I even have the Justin Long one on Blu-ray.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: I saw the fifth one in the theaters.
Jake: So did I! Wait, there was only one other person there. Was that you?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Atlantic Avenue?
Jake: No, but that would've been a cool coincidence.

Sergeant Jeffords: Face it, Charles, we couldn't make 'em get along. We failed as parents.
Charles: Why did I think I knew what I was doing? Poor Nikolaj. His life is ruined.

Rosa: I also like "Die Hard."
Jake: Really, Rosa? What's your favorite part?
Rosa: The shootouts.
Jake: Interesting. Vague and interesting. But it's funny 'cause I always thought your favorite movies were made by Nancy Meyers.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Seriously?
Rosa: What? No. I hate that crap.
Jake: Really? So you hate the one starring Diane Keaton and John Wick? What was it called again?
Rosa: I don't know.
Jake: "Something Has to Give"?
Rosa: "Something's Gotta Give."
Jake: I got ya.

Jake: Too much torque! Too much torque!

Jake: Oh, okay, I see what's happening. This is a competition. We're officially competing.
Rosa: Oh, yeah, we're competing.
Jake: Fine, then it's on, and I'm gonna crush you. Also, I need a ride. Can I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?
Rosa: No.
Jake: Well played. Looks like I'm gonna find out if a motorcycle fits on the subway.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You got Ocampo?
Jake: Oh, yeah, and you'll never guess where we found him. In the bathroom not going. He was hiding. I ruined the story.

Charles: All right, I need you guys to assemble this jigsaw puzzle for a case I'm working on.
Hitchcock: Why do we have to do it together?
Scully: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh ... 'cause?
Scully: Can't argue with that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Cooperation instead of punishment. Damn, Boyle, that is some advanced level parenting right there.
Charles: I learned from the best-
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you.
Charles: Lorelai from "Gilmore Girls."
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Charles: I guess being a daddy just comes naturally to me.

Jake: What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas? Yeah, it got all in my mouth. It was horrible. But still not as bad as water.

Rosa: Son of a bitch. Where'd you find a steering wheel?
Jake: I didn't. I had a Frisbee in the trunk, and I taped it on. That's right. I MacGyvered the donk out of this thing, and it worked flawlessly. Actually, I hit a ton of stuff on the way over here. It was awful.
Rosa: Of course you did.

Rosa: Come on, I'll buy you a drink that doesn't have any pills in it.
Jake: Sounds good, but I wish you hadn't mentioned liquid. Now I have to pee. I promise you I will never drink water ever again.
Rosa: Thank God.
Jake: It's the worst.

Jake: You're under arrest. Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint. I've been drinking so much water.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: So why don't you both come back tomorrow and we can start working this together? And, who knows, if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.
Jake: Or maybe one of us could fill it.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Excuse me?
Jake: What you said better. Rosa, leave now?

Charles: So a guy got stabbed at 3rd and Union. You know what that means. I got 3rd Street bagels!
Hitchcock: Wow, it's so nice and surprising when somebody thinks of others. Scully.
Scully: I was thinking of you. I was thinking about how stupid your face is.
Hitchcock: That's it! I'm licking all these bagels. You get none!
Scully: Oh, you think your spit's gonna stop me? Brother, you don't know me at all.

Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Captain Holt: I have a COMPSTAT presentation coming up, and I was toying with the idea of using hand gestures, for emphasis, so I went out on the roof to practice-
[cut to Holt on the roof:]
Captain Holt: And, ladies and gentlemen, violent crime has gone down by 10 percent. [he waves his hand and launches the pen off the roof]
[present:]
Captain Holt: Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added "YOLO" to the dictionary.

Gina: You know, I wouldn't worry about it. Amy's, like, physically incapable of being mad at you.
Captain Holt: I don't think she'll be disrespectful, but certainly she'll be upset.
Gina: Ehh, watch this. Amy, someone lost your pen, girl.
Amy: Gina, you better be joking. That pen is my best friend, and I will straight up-
Gina: It was Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, that's fine. It's just a pen.
Gina: It's just a pen. [derisive laugh]

Jake: Tell me where he is. I'm gonna count to three. There will not be a four.

Jake: Hey, so I talked to my C.I.s, and nobody's heard anything about Ocampo, but I talked to Skeezy J, who said he's been taking night classes. He wants to be a dietician. I'm excited for him.

Jake: I swear, I would rather drink ginger ale, Rosa. Honestly, ginger ale!

Rosa: Hawkins knows we're working the case.
Jake: I highly doubt it. What makes you say that?
Rosa: She just called and said, "Get over here. I know you're working the case."
Jake: Hmm, so it appears you were onto something. Very good. Touche. Well, off to death.

Rosa: This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.
Jake: I know. We're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome name for it.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Welcome to the Slaughterhouse.
Jake: Told ya.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You two, get in here.
Captain Holt: You're in God's hands now. Good-bye.

Jake: So based on these phone records, we think Ocampo is definitely still in Brooklyn. Unrelated question: Is it true you still have a bullet lodged in your hip from your shootout with the Canarsie Killer?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No.
Jake: Darn.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: It's in my jaw.
Jake: Yes.

Jake: I heard she doesn't let anyone take her photograph so that she can still go undercover. Hey, Rosa, delete all the pictures you have of me.
Rosa: I don't have any.
Jake: Not even the Splash Mountain one?

Jake: I also ride motorcycles.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, yeah? What do you ride?
Jake: Oh, it's in the shop right now. Yeah, the torque felt low, so I was like, "Bro, we gots to up the torque." We all know how it is. Anyways, I could talk about my steel horse all darn day. We got work to do.

Rosa: Ugh, where is this guy? Deal was supposed to go down ten minutes ago. Stupid criminals have no respect for the people trying to bust them.

Jake: Oh, the half-and-half just met the gasoline. They're not mixing well.

Rosa: We're sorry our signals got crossed. This is everything we have on Ocampo.
Jake: Yeah, we've been on his tail for a while. We know everything about him, all the way down to his favorite fro-yo flavor Monkeyberry Marshmallow Blaster.

Jake: Wait a minute. Are we hugging? Have we ever done this before?
Rosa: No, and if you tell anyone, I'll slit your throat.

Rosa: Thank you so much, Jake.
Jake: Please. I'm just glad you finally get to work for a woman as badass as you are. And as a man, I'd like to apologize for my gender's history-
Rosa: Don't ruin it.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: I'm the same way with "MAD" magazine and "Cracked" magazine.Ah, they're both so good. Tough to pick. I mean, "MAD" is the original, but "Cracked", they've always got a take.

Jake: Hey. Before we take Ocampo over to the Slaughterhouse, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, 'cause you are sharpening that knife very intensely.
Rosa: Makes me feel better.

Rosa: How's it going? Ah, I noticed your pupils have stopped pulsating.
Jake: Yeah, because I found the perfect antidote to your little prank. Sure, caffeine speeds you up, but half-and-half slows you down. Ah, dairy. You made one fatal mistake. You forgot how gross I am.

Rosa: Look, none of this matters if we don't find Ocampo. Let's just do our jobs, and Hawkins will do whatever she's gonna do. Doesn't have to be a competition, right?
Jake: Right. Right?
Rosa: Right. Right?
Jake: Right.
Both: Right.

Jake: I'm so wound up! I can't focus!
Gina: Oh, are you flipping out about Tiandra getting kicked off "So You Think You Can Dance"?
Jake: Definitely not.
Gina: Well, you should be. Her Nay Nay was nonpareil.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: So what's our next move? How do we find this guy?
Rosa: I say we tap his brother's phone. They're tight. He'll definitely call.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Jake, you agree?
Jake: Yes, I think that's a great idea. Fully support that. Totally love it. The one thing I will say, though, is, it could take us a while to get a warrant. And we know he's hard up for cash, and we also know that's his primary buyer, so we could see what this guy knows.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Both smart suggestions. I say we do ... Peralta's.
Jake: Yes. [fake groan] Sorry, it's muscle spasm.
Rosa: Whatever.

Rosa: Maybe we should take our bikes.
Jake: Cool idea, but is it the best move tactically?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Yes, it is. That way, we can slip through traffic.
Jake: Totally. However, as mentioned, my hog is up in the torque shop, just getting torqued up the hog, so we should probably just share one car over there.
Rosa: Ah, I bet you Floppy Foot will loan you his bike.
Jake: And yet, I don't want to inconvenience Floppy Foot.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Sure he wouldn't mind.
Jake: Right. Even so, it's not like we have his keys. Uh, look at that.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Let's go.
Jake: You found them. That's fun. I can't wait to drive this motorcycle that I definitely know how to drive.

Charles: Sarge, Hitchcock and Scully are out of control. They got into a fight over the ranch dressing, and now it's everywhere.

Sergeant Jeffords: You two, up now! I'm taking away the thing you love most in the world. Sitting. You'll get your chairs back when you apologize to each other.