Scully: I miss my home chair.
Rosa: You miss a chair?

Captain Holt: Yes, yes, come to papa. Raise it a grand! Call. Raise. A pair of candy canes. I'm all in, baby.
Jake: What are you doing, sir?
Captain Holt: Working the case. Sharpening my poker skills for Valdano.
Jake: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and why are you watching this children's beauty pageant?
Captain Holt: For fun, obviously. No, Jayla, don't drop the baton. No, I had so much riding on you!

Jake: It was the "shouldn't've" that finally tipped me off. I've never heard you use a double contraction before.
Captain Holt: And you never will again.

Captain Holt: I can stop whenever I want.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then stop.
Captain Holt: I don't want.

Jake: Damn, Cap. Are you secretly cool?
Captain Holt: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss cool.
Jake: I do not.

Rosa: Seriously, you guys should stand up once in a while. You know, for your hearts.

Jake: Captain, do I have a tell?
Captain Holt: No, you don't understand the game well enough to have a tell.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense.

Captain Holt: And I win again. Which is not surprising, given how you are both terrible. You don't even know the terminology.
Jake: What are you talking about? "Hit me."
Captain Holt: That is blackjack.
Jake: Snake-eyes.
Captain Holt: Craps.
Jake: Go Fish.
Captain Holt: And I believe that is Go Fish.

Captain Holt: Hot damn! Four queens. I call this hand the Golden Girls.

Captain Holt: Now go get Valdano before you blow your covers. I'm off duty; what I do on my own time is my own business. Unlike you two who are still on the clock and are now being bad cops.
Jake: Wow, listen to you talking all smooth. But you can't fool us, sir. You might as well face it. You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer.

Jake: Captain, allow me to introduce you to major East Coast arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano. That's right, his nickname is longer than his actual name. Why's that, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause he's a dick.

Amy: Hey, standing desk. Look who's taking care of herself. Someone's not sitting down on the job.
Rosa: Hey. Sitting down on the job is damned hard work, and those heroes prove it every day. Mad respect.

Charles: Bye-bye "Toxic". Bye-bye "Party in the USA".
Amy: Hey, Charles. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm deleting all the upbeat music off my computer.
Amy: I know you're down, but-
Charles: Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish".

Jake: Hey there, Captain Holt. We just saved your big ol' butt. Hello, Dan "Daniel" Valdano. Guess what.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a dick!

Captain Holt: There was a pooper.

Sergeant Jeffords: What happened to not wanting to gamble anymore for Kevin?
Jake: Sir, you are spiraling. You lied straight to our faces.
Captain Holt: Well, that's on you. If you could spot my tell, you would've known.
Jake: Fine. What's your tell?
Captain Holt: Let's just say, I'm doing it right now. I'm doing it at this very moment.
Jake: Is it standing up?
Captain Holt: I've just done it again. Whoops, there's another time.

Charles: I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 50 pounds of meat I have to return before it goes rotten. Like my dreams.

Hitchcock: I just want walk up to the hot dog stand out front and get a fresh wiener.
Scully: Oh, man. Why did you say that? Now I want one.
Rosa: So you should go get one.
Scully: Oh, and let you win? You're just trying to get us to stand up.
Rosa: No. We should all go get one in our chairs.
Hitchcock: She's right. The only thing holding us back is society.

Captain Holt: And, Jake, before we go, I need to admit one more thing.
Jake: Of course, anything.
Captain Holt: When I made you tell that table that you were living in your mother's basement, it wasn't for the case. I was just messing with you.
Jake: Oh, well played, sir. But the joke's on you. My mother has a fantastic basement. Title of your sex tape. Too soon? All right, let's go.

Jake: So I'm sorry. Terry, you went to Jersey for pizza?
Sergeant Jeffords: I had a problem, man!
Jake: Right, sorry.

Jake: Oh no. He is deep in the ham crate.

Amy: I can't believe you're leaning into the murder thing.
Charles: Well, it'll get people talking. Check out the menu. It's printed on a crime scene photo.

Jake: Come on, let's tell Holt we're prepped for tonight.
Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I was wrong about him. He had no problem walking away last night. He left a lot of hams in that crate. Juicy. Spiral-cut, honey-sweet but salty-
Jake: Sarge, come back to me.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You're the one that brought up ham.
Jake: That was you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, Valdano's gonna be there tonight, and the recording device in the watch is transmitting. I feel like Bond. Terry Bond.

Charles: It's happening. Jake is gonna pop the question. He's gonna ask me to be his BM.
Rosa: No.
Charles: BM, best man, is a common abbreviation.
Rosa: No one but you has ever used it.

Charles: Put this down: we got a truck.
Amy: What? Really? That's huge.
Charles: Take a look.
Amy: Is that the NYPD police auction site?
Charles: Yeah, that's how I found out about it. And there's our baby. Isn't she a-
Amy: Murder truck? That's the truck from the Tinga Time Taco murders!
Charles: Yes, two brothers were using a taco truck to move heroin and then were killed by the cartel that supplied them.
Amy: Not just killed, Boyle. Dismembered. Right in the truck.
Charles: Right in our truck. That's why it was such bargain. Everyone else was like, "Ooh, there's a knee in the fryer. I don't want to sell food out of this."
Amy: They found a knee in the fryer?
Charles: Exactly. You get it. Well, now I get to go pick it up. Oh, almost forgot my hazmat suit.

Jake: What do you say, bud? Will you be my BM?
Charles: Yes! Yes, a million times, yes! In your face, Terry!
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I'm holding a sparkler for you. I helped organize a lot of this.
Charles: Well, you can stick that sparkler up your butt. I'm the best man!

Captain Holt: Any poopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: All clear.

Sergeant Jeffords: All clear. No poopers. Repeat: No poopers.

Sergeant Jeffords: The plan is, we go to the club tonight, show off our poker skills, and get an invite to the high stakes game. All we need is $15,000 to get in the door.
Captain Holt: That's a lot of money. How are your poker skills?
Sergeant Jeffords: [blows raspberry] A'ight.
Jake: Good.
Sergeant Jeffords: A'ight.
Jake: Hecka good.
Sergeant Jeffords: A'ight.
Jake: So good.

Captain Holt: Perhaps I should see for myself.
Jake: Oh, do you play?
Captain Holt: I am ... A'ight.

Captain Holt: Here's your persona: you're Billy "Big Time" Jankowski. You wear sunglasses, headphones, and an unwashed hoodie. You normally gamble online, from your mother's basement, where you live.
Jake: Seems unnecessary.
Sergeant Jeffords: The hoodie hides your sunglass-camera's electronics.
Jake: I more meant the living in my mom's basement virgin vibe.
Captain Holt: You added the virgin, but I like it. It's part of your backstory now.
Jake: But-
Captain Holt: You're a virgin. That's an order.
Jake: But I don't want to be a virgin again.

Rosa: Sarge asked me to help you guys with some filing. Holy crap, this is gonna take all day.
Hitchcock: Yup, it's what we call an all-dayer.
Rosa: How long did it take you two to come up with that?
Scully: That was a two-dayer.

Rosa: You're not gonna bother actually walking?
Hitchcock: Why should we? We can work from down here. I'm sitting down as long as I can.
Scully: I'm not getting out of the chair till it's time to go home.
Rosa: Ugh.
Hitchcock: Oh, typical standing elite. You couldn't sit all day if you tried.
Rosa: What? You don't think I could outlast you turds in a chair?

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. Jake stinks, but I can play.
Captain Holt: Yes, but you have a rather unfortunate tell: your right breast.
[flashback]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no. My cards are terrible. (Terry's right breast visibly twitching)
Captain Holt: Sure they are.
[present]
Sergeant Jeffords: Dammit, Eugene, you sold me out!

Charles: I call to order the meeting of investors in the forthcoming Charles Boyle owned-and-operated food truck venture.
Amy: I know I'm the only investor, but is it cool if I take minutes?
Charles: Yes.

Hitchcock: I got it. No! My ass. It left the chair.
Scully: I'm sorry, man.
Hitchcock: No. It was my time.

Hitchcock: Honey, you don't have the ass for it.
Rosa: Let's talk terms.
Hitchcock: Both cheeks on the cushion at all times.
Rosa: Obviously. Bathroom breaks?
Scully: Two and a half minutes every three hours.
Rosa: But you gotta roll the chair fully into the stall.
Hitchcock: Obviously.
Rosa: Okay. Let's do this.
Scully: Welcome to the Buttlympics.

Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand. Even if you wanted to gamble, why come here, where we'd be?
Captain Holt: I lost some money on lame little Jayla, and I realized that's because I've been gambling instead of being down here doing what I'm good at math.

Sergeant Jeffords: We got a warrant to bug him, but his house is a fortress and he never goes anywhere in public.
Jake: Luckily, CI just gave us a break. Valdano's gonna actually leave his house to go to a high stakes poker game this Friday. If we can get a seat at that table, we can lose this watch to him. And guess what?
Jake: It's-
Captain Holt: Bugged!
Jake: Yes, it's bugged. Good guess, Captain.

Jake: Okay, so I know this is a lot to ask-
Charles: No, it's not. I want to do it.
Jake: You want to cover my shift this weekend so I can go to the White Plains Mall and meet Darryl Strawberry at the opening of a cellphone store?
Charles: Yes. It's exactly what I was hoping you'd ask.

Charles: I am so relieved. I thought maybe he was gonna ask one of Amy's brothers or, ugh, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, man, come on.

Sergeant Jeffords: There's Valdano. The watch is transmitting. All you have to do is lose it to him. Worst of luck to you.
Jake: Don't worry, Terry. I'm about to crap the bed.

Amy: Can we talk about the murder truck we just purchased with our very hard-earned money?
Charles: Oh, Amy, wait till you see her. I spent all night pressure-washing her, and she is spotless.
Amy: Yeah, it's just, what if word gets out that our food truck was the site of a double homicide?
Charles: What if word gets out? It's in the "Our Story" section of the menu. We're calling it Murder Truck!
Amy: We are?
Charles: Yeah! It was your idea.
Amy: No, it was my greatest fear.

Jake: What about you? What's your tell?
Captain Holt: It is subtle. You will never discern it.
Jake: Oh, really? Well, challenge accepted. Tell me a lie.
Captain Holt: You're both great at poker and I'm not gonna cancel the mission.
Jake: Nope, I couldn't see it.

Rosa: Ugh, how long have we been sitting? My butt's lost track of time.
Scully: Coming up on 32 hours.
Rosa: [sighs] I miss the little things. Showers. Feeling my feet. Standing.

Sergeant Jeffords: Addiction is nothing to fool around with. I had food issues. I ate a crate of hams once.
Jake: Yeah, and look at you now. You're like a super-jacked He-man guy, right?

Sergeant Jeffords: Relapsing is nothing to be ashamed of. A couple years ago on my birthday I treated myself to one piece of pizza. I woke up the next morning in a Sbarro on the Jersey Turnpike. It wasn't even open!

Jake: Don't you think you have a bit of a problem here, sir?
Captain Holt: I'm in complete control. Now, Terry, come over here and dangle me off the edge of this building.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I am not going to dangle you off the side of this building.
Captain Holt: You're fired. Peralta, let me climb onto your shoulders.
Jake: I can't.
Captain Holt: You're fired. No one works here anymore.

Jake: All right, let's get back in there and suck out two runners down by the river. Did I say that right?
Captain Holt: Not even close.
Jake: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Jake: Well, technically I'm the one wearing the watch, so that would make you Q at best.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry Q.
Jake: Yeah. Way to roll with it.

Rosa: Nine hours and 55 minutes.
Hitchcock: Is it? I feel like I just sat down.
Scully: I have no feeling down there whatsoever. [stabs a pencil into his thigh] I haven't in years.

Captain Holt: Hot damn! Peralta, say "hot damn."
Jake: Hot damn!
Captain Holt: Now you say it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hot damn!