Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year. Doy.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Adrian Pimento: Four month? No, no, no. I watched this last night. That doesn't make any- Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down. You're at the Nine-Nine, and you know what a table is.
Adrian Pimento: I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?
Jake: Oh, my God. Pimento has "Memento" disease. Your memory is resetting like the guy from the movie "Memento."
Both: What?
Jake: You guys never saw "Memento"? It's the guy with no short-term memory, you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.
Charles: Is it like Dory from "Finding Dory," she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?
Jake: No, no, it's like-
Adrian Pimento: Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm like the forgetful little fish.
Jake: Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but it's also like-
Charles: That's what Dory says.
Adrian Pimento: Classic Dory, Jake!
Jake: Ugh, you guys really ruined the coolness of this "Memento" thing.
Adrian Pimento: Also, Jake, "Following" is Christopher Nolan's first movie. You sound like a grade A[bleep] out here.

Adrian Pimento: No, Jake. You don't understand. The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen!
Jake: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so-
Adrian Pimento: What? Then you deserve to die.

Captain Holt: Listen, mister, I didn't give you that money so you could throw it away. I want it back. We're gonna pay your bookie a visit.
Adrian Pimento: What?
Captain Holt: And so help me God, you better hope I don't miss the "in memoriam."
Adrian Pimento: If it's dead dogs you wanna see, I know where to get my hands on dozens of them.

Adrian Pimento: I don't know what I'm gonna do. I guess I could be a teacher.
"Sorry, Travis, the answer's obviously Istanbul."
"What did you say to me?"
"No, maybe you're wasting your life."
"Sorry, Principal Ramos, I didn't see you there."
"Wait, Travis is your son? Hah, well, I guess you're just gonna have to fire me."
"Fired? Me? How dare you, sir."
"We will settle"-
See, it just wouldn't work.

Rosa: Also, in just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history.
Amy: Better than "Sleepless in Seattle".
Adrian Pimento: Nope. That is also Nora Ephron. Kill yourself.

Rosa: All right, let's go.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah. I gotta drop you off and then I have a plane to catch.
Rosa: What, where are you going?
Adrian Pimento: Ugh. I took this job protecting a diamond mine in Northern Canada that's being terrorized by a pack of wolves? Apparently it's "illegal to shoot them" so I have to tear them apart limb from limb.
Rosa: How long you going for?
Adrian Pimento: As long as it takes me to find the alpha, kill it, take control of the pack, and then completely decimate the diamond mine. [laughs] Total double cross. All right, let's ride!
Both: Bye, Amy. [drive off]
Amy: No, wait. Rosa, no, no, you can't leave me here! This wasn't part of the plan! Or was this exactly the plan?

Adrian Pimento: But jokes on them 'cause I'm having tons of fun with all this free time. Catching up on reading, going for walks. It's great. The other day, I walked all the way to Maryland. Gorgeous.

Adrian Pimento: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for me! I'm here, I'm here. Okay, I followed you here all the way on my bike.
Captain Holt: We were going very fast.
Adrian Pimento: I know. I'm still pretty coked up. Let's do this, Nine-Nine!
Captain Holt: You are not a police officer. You're not part of this mission.
Adrian Pimento: Right, okay. Well, I'm just gonna go in this bank and cash a check. Whatever happens happens. Am I right?

Amy: The hell? I'm stuck.
Rosa: Yeah, I rigged it. That's what you get for being a nerd who wears seatbelts. Cool people die gruesome, preventable deaths. Oh, here's my ride.
Adrian Pimento: Pimento's here.
Amy: Hi, Pimento.
Adrian Pimento: Amy, it has been too long. When are you gonna let me meet my godson?
Amy: He's not your godson?
Adrian Pimento: Okay, but when you die, I am going to raise him.

Adrian Pimento: So there I am, naked, still holding the hedge trimmers when the chauffeur walks in and I say, "Guess you caught me red-handed."
Gabby Sholah: Because of the blood?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, because of the blood! See, you get it.

Jake: Hey, maybe one of your PI cases is the reason you got attacked.
Adrian Pimento: I thought of that too, but I doubt it. You know, they're all the same, kinda boring. It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.
Jake: It seems a little specific that they would all be like that, but okay.

Adrian Pimento: It says, "Take pill, right jacket po"- I've never seen these before in my life.
Jake: This was filled three days ago. This doctor must be treating you for your...
[cut to:]
Dr. Jones: "Finding Dory" Disease, that's what most people call anterograde amnesia.
Charles & Adrian Pimento: Just keep swimming.
Dr. Jones: Exactly, that's what I tell my patients, just keep swimming.

Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."
Adrian Pimento: Aw.
Jake: Ew. This just says, "Don't trust your D."
Adrian Pimento: Okay, well, that's good advice. My D does get me in a lot of trouble.
Jake: Are you sure that's what the D stands for?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, it's for sure my dong. It could tell some stories: Costa Rica in '98, Nam.
Jake: It's coming up.