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Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: But wait, if everything was fake, what knocked me out?
[flashback:]
Jake: [timer beeping rapidly] Oh, no. [Jake passes out when Amy holds a rag over his mouth]
Charles: What are you doing?
Amy: I know, Charles, but there's something I have to tell you, okay? [holds rag over Charles' mouth]
[present:]
Amy: I locked Charles in a supply closet.
Jake: I have but two things to say to you. One: thank you. I've always wanted to be chloroformed. And, two: how dare you?
Amy: Sorry, babe. But I play to win. [drops key]
Jake: Gah! That was super cool. I hate how attracted I am to you right now!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: When did you have time to build all this?
Amy: Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago, and I set it up while you were looking for Charles.
Jake: You planted the resignation letter in my locker so Charles would find it.
Amy: Yep. And then I knew you'd wanna show off the fireworks. The fireworks that I sold you.
Jake: You're Kristaps?
Amy: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kristaps."]
Jake: Gah, I got to stop falling for that.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Dr. Midj: Okay, let's do some cognitive tests. How good is your memory from before the accident? Do you remember the fireworks?
Jake: Yeah, I remember everything. I remember the whole heist, going to find Charles, the magnet suits.
Amy: Do you remember where you hid the tube?
Jake: Yeah, inside the fake baby.
Amy: Thanks, babe. [handcuffs Jake to the bed]
Jake: Oh, no. It's not the future, is it?
Amy: No, it's only been about 40 minutes? And this isn't a real hospital. [press button]
Jake: You Mission: Impossibled me! Oh, I'm so happy you're not having sex with Teddy!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: Wait, no. No, no, no. This... this isn't really happening. I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream, I'm in control. You know who's gonna walk through that door right now? Bruce Willis.
Teddy: [enters] Jake, you woke up!
Jake: No! Teddy? Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here?
Teddy: Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe?
Amy: Uh.
Jake: Babe? He called you babe. What's going on?
Amy: I'm sorry, I know this is a lot.
Jake: No.
Amy: But the last seven years have been really hard. Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up, and Teddy was a great friend to me. And a couple years ago, we went on a trip.
Teddy: It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa.
Jake: I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy?
Teddy: I could never replace you, Jake. I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life. I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming.
Jake: Hey, doc, can you put me back in the coma?
Dr. Midj: You're agitated, that's normal. Tell me how you're feeling. Pain?
Jake: I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man.
Teddy: Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically.
Jake: That's worse!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: What do you mean I've been in a coma?
Dr. Midj: A firework hit you in the head. It caused a destabilizing brain injury.
Jake: Oh, my God. Is Charles okay?
Amy: Yes. He survived the explosion, but he blamed himself for what happened to you so he left New York. He's actually the sheriff of a small town in Arizona. The town is so small he also has to be the school principal.
Jake: Okay, that's weird.
Amy: It's actually very funny. And surprisingly heartwarming.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: Hey, great news, the perfect goodbye is back on and we have a new teammate.
Amy: Really? What even is "our team?" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube.
Jake: Ah, and did you find what was inside of it?
Amy: Yeah, an egg.
Jake: And do you know why I gave you an egg?
Amy: 'Cause eggs suck and you're still mad about that one time I beat you at Mario Kart?
Jake: It was beginner's luck! Just... open it.
Amy: A necklace with a little binder on it?
Jake: It has three tiny tabs. One for me, one for you, and one for Mac.
Amy: Aw! It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical but I assume that it's functional and I can correct them?
Jake: It is and you can.
Amy: Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever. Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.
Amy: Smart, stick it in his butt holes.
Jake: Oh, I was expecting more judgment from you. And definitely a different phrasing.

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Amy: It's okay. Here, check this out. I've been spying on Holt for over a month. He brought a drone which he's using to take the tube to the Bark Hyatt Doggy Daycare where it will be retrieved by none other than Cheddar the dog, who will take it to a secret hiding place. We could grab it, but the Bark Hyatt play area has live feed webcams.
Rosa: Holt will see if someone goes for the tube.
Amy: Not if that someone is a dog.
Rosa: I'm not dressing up like a dog.
Bill: I'll do it. [Amy screams]
Rosa: Oh, my God!
Bill: I was eavesdropping and when the dog thing came up, I said, "Bill, this is your moment."
Amy: That's okay, Bill. I already have someone on in the inside. Meet Biscuit, the dog I adopted for the heist.
Rosa: Don't you have horrible allergies?
Amy: Or was that just a long con I perpetrated to win this heist?
Rosa: I don't think so.
Amy: You're right. I am covered in hives. Anyway, Biscuit is also enrolled at the Bark Hyatt where he's been trained to steal the tube right from under Cheddar's wet little nose. Then we visit Biscuit and get the tube.
Rosa: Nice work. I almost feel bad that I have to betray you.
Amy: What? Then don't!

Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Jake: But he's not lying, Terry will not be heisting. I had him get a notarized letter that says he legally cannot win.
Amy: You cheated on me with another notary?
Jake: I mean, you're making it sound more intimate than it was. He just embossed something.
Amy: Just embossed? What else are you gonna tell me? Did you just put your thumbprint in his log book?
Jake: Both of them.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: You know what? We'll talk about this later. Moving on.

Quote from the episode Renewal

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, here's your resin. Do your magic.
Amy: You're not gonna scold me for almost ruining the mission?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Amy, I get it. But look, you don't need Holt to succeed. You are the most capable person I know.
Amy: Thanks, Terry. Now, let's go get this mold to Jake and Holt. [raises arms]
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing?
Amy: I thought you could carry me again. It was very comforting.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Amy: Thank you, Terry. I love you.

Quote from the episode Game of Boyles

Amy: Oh, no, Rosa. They're leaving together. What are we gonna do?
Rosa: We stop them. Even if it means we have to kill Todd.
Amy: Smart. Let's go.

Quote from the episode Game of Boyles

Amy: I thought the point was for Holt to bail before he got to an actual date.
Rosa: It is. But this works too. I mean, did you see the dude he matched with? He calls himself a doctor, but he's actually a chiropractor.
Amy: Are we sure Holt doesn't respect chiropractors? [both laugh] I'm kidding. Ooh. There's Todd.
Rosa: And here's Holt. Started off strong, nice big smile. Oh, not anymore. He just noticed Todd's loafers.
Amy: Oh, Todd, you fool. Holt thinks any shoes without laces are flip-flops.
Rosa: Now the moment that will send Holt running toward the exit. When he asks Todd what he would like to drink, Todd orders, "Whatever you're having."
Amy: Oh Todd, you fool. Have your own opinion. Wait a second. Are they gonna sit down? In a booth? Oh, no, Rosa. Todd's not the fool. We're the fools.

Quote from the episode The Set Up

Jake: Hey, man. What are you doing here? What a weird coincidence.
Amy: [Cockney accent] Do a British accent.

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