Amy: What the hell? I used Garibaldi's exact recipe. I know I'm not a great cook, but I love following instructions.

Jake: Seven cups of salt? Even I know this isn't a recipe. Which means it might be a code.
Amy: Ooh, interesting. Ten digits, maybe it's a phone number. Look, 718, Brooklyn area code.
Jake: Yes, that's definitely it. Wait, did you actually use all of this salt and 18 cups of oregano?
Amy: Back off, I solved the case.
Captain Holt: Nine onions? Oh, Amy.
Amy: How am I the bad guy here?

Moira: Why can't I find a good man?
Amy: Could be because you're in prison for murder.
Moira: Nah. That's not it.
Amy: Yeah, that's not it.

Rosa: Amy, where you at?
Amy: Four drinks.
Rosa: What's four-drink Amy again?
Amy: Why don't you come over here and find out?
Rosa: Right, Horny Amy. It feels like you should retire that one for the MeToo era.
Amy: Why don't you come over here and make me?

Adrian Pimento: Check it out, losers. Guess who got their dealer!
Jake: Nice! How'd it go down?
Rosa: We chased him through a subway tunnel, back up through the storm drain, Adrian and I got engaged, and then we busted him with a half kilo of coke in his sock.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait. What'd you just say?
Adrian Pimento: It was in his sock. These dummies, they never think we're gonna check their socks.
Amy: No, before that, weirdo.

Jake: All right here we go, approaching the mail. Stay cool, and doink. Now we've just got to find a private place to look at these. Through here to the guest bath. [opens door] Ahh!
Amy: Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not gonna work for you. Gimme the mail. You just chaperoned, O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Captain Holt: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding. Whatever. We need to figure out a way to get her off our tail.
Amy: Good luck with that.
Jake: Aah!

Amy: Oh, can you at least put her on a leash?
Brian: She's a medical professional. Okay? Would you keep a doctor on a leash?
Amy: That dog does not help you with your foot pain. You just want an excuse to bring her everywhere! Your dog is a fraud. Fraud dog!

Charles: Look, I don't want to sound like a Scully here, but I think it's hopeless. Nobody could organize this place.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody?
[later:]
Amy: Here's what I need. Sticky notes, three sizes, ten colors. Permanent markers, clickable only. I don't want caps slowing us down. And I need garbage bags, 33 gallon, blackout, cinch top. What are you all still doing here? Go, go, go!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, so don't freak out, but apparently there are several other groups presenting reform proposals to One Police Plaza, and only one will get funding.
Amy: Why would that make me freak out?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because you can be a little competitive.
Amy: [scoffs] That's not true. No one is less competitive than me. No one.

Amy: Huh? No, I wasn't listening to either of you. Look who's in Captain Holt's office.
Jake: Who that lady?
Amy: You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Laverne Holt.
Charles: Captain Holt's mom.
Jake: The creator.
Amy: Widowed at age 39, Laverne Kinnebrew Holt single-handedly raised two children and still managed to become one of the first black, female federal judges.
Jake: Wow, someone read her Wikipedia page.
Amy: No, Jake, I wrote it.

Captain Holt: Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.
Amy: None taken. People love their pets.

Rosa: Is this why you were getting make-up tips from the prostitute in the holding cell?
Amy: I just wanted to know how she got such smoky eyes. Turns out it was an STD rash.

Jake: I want to brush my teeth.
Charles: Jake, it's been in my mouth!
Amy: That's the grossest thing I've ever heard!
Jake: That's the grossest thing you've ever heard? You caught a guy on the subway with a bag of human ears!
Amy: Your thing's grosser.

Amy: The only celebrity I've ever seen in real life was Paul Shaffer. It was exhilarating.

Jake: Favorite topics of conversation?
Amy: Jimmy Carter was underrated. How beautiful some front doors are. What's Jane Seymour up to? And how cool is it that the ladies across the street are lesbians?