Amy: I'm sorry I freaked out and ran away.
Jake: It's okay. Just because you messed up the practice test doesn't mean you're gonna fail the real one.
Amy: I didn't mess it up. I got 102%. I found a spelling error in one question. I gave myself extra credit.

Amy: You think that because you love me, and love has made you dumb.
Jake: I disagree, if anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week when I boiled that egg?
Amy: That was big. I was really proud of you.

Jake: Hey, babe. [gasping] Oh! I see you've taken the braids out. Your hair looks fun.
Amy: Now it's ready for me to braid again.

Rosa: So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago Panic Scale.
Jake: Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two, creepily singing songs from the Great American Songbook.
[cut to Jake and Amy in bed:]
Amy: You're a grand old flag. You're a high flying flag.

Captain Holt: [answers phone] This is Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk?
Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. What do I do?
Captain Holt: Uh, British accent.
Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.
Captain Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?
Amy: No, he didn't. Me 'usband wasn't set up at all. 'e wasn't, but me big problem now is that me 'usband can't be reached by me telly.
Captain Holt: Please stop talking like that.
Amy: Okay.

Amy: They're so cute. Oh, no, Scully, don't put your finger in her mouth. Oh, she likes it.

Amy: Oh, Scully. You bummed about Cindy or you just feel at home in a body bag?

Amy: I learned a bunch of new dance moves for tonight. Ones where you move your butt.

Jake: Two, a huge hall full of cool police tech.
Rosa: Last year, I got to try out a heat ray.
Jake: Three, the Buffalo P.D. always throws an insane party. Last year, Amy got so drunk, she jumped a police horse into the pool.
Amy: Eight-drink Amy is an equestrian, and she's real bad at it.

Amy: I thought the point was for Holt to bail before he got to an actual date.
Rosa: It is. But this works too. I mean, did you see the dude he matched with? He calls himself a doctor, but he's actually a chiropractor.
Amy: Are we sure Holt doesn't respect chiropractors? [both laugh] I'm kidding. Ooh. There's Todd.
Rosa: And here's Holt. Started off strong, nice big smile. Oh, not anymore. He just noticed Todd's loafers.
Amy: Oh, Todd, you fool. Holt thinks any shoes without laces are flip-flops.
Rosa: Now the moment that will send Holt running toward the exit. When he asks Todd what he would like to drink, Todd orders, "Whatever you're having."
Amy: Oh Todd, you fool. Have your own opinion. Wait a second. Are they gonna sit down? In a booth? Oh, no, Rosa. Todd's not the fool. We're the fools.

Jake: Hey, Sarge? Everything okay? Only ask 'cause you haven't moved in the last 58 minutes.
Sergeant Jeffords: He doesn't want me to file the complaint.
Jake: Well, of course Officer Maldack doesn't want you to file the complaint. He's the one being complained about. I just realized you meant Captain Holt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Rosa: What? Did you mess up the grammar or something?
Amy: Did you dangle a participle? Ugh, Terry, Holt hates a dangler.

Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Dr. Midj: Okay, let's do some cognitive tests. How good is your memory from before the accident? Do you remember the fireworks?
Jake: Yeah, I remember everything. I remember the whole heist, going to find Charles, the magnet suits.
Amy: Do you remember where you hid the tube?
Jake: Yeah, inside the fake baby.
Amy: Thanks, babe. [handcuffs Jake to the bed]
Jake: Oh, no. It's not the future, is it?
Amy: No, it's only been about 40 minutes? And this isn't a real hospital. [press button]
Jake: You Mission: Impossibled me! Oh, I'm so happy you're not having sex with Teddy!

Amy: And in the chaos, you grab his phone, delete the recording, and we're golden.
Jake: Perfect. All right, let's stage a fake fight. This'll be fun, right? Pretending like we have things to be mad at each other about.
[cut to Jake and Amy at Teddy's table]
Amy: Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness, and the fact that he wasted half the morning deciding what sneakers to wear those are just some of the reasons we're late. No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.