Jake: When did you have time to build all this?
Amy: Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago, and I set it up while you were looking for Charles.
Jake: You planted the resignation letter in my locker so Charles would find it.
Amy: Yep. And then I knew you'd wanna show off the fireworks. The fireworks that I sold you.
Jake: You're Kristaps?
Amy: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kristaps."]
Jake: Gah, I got to stop falling for that.

Captain Holt: You two need to figure out how to patch things up with Teddy.
Amy: He's still upset that I called him boring. We just have to pretend that he's interesting. I got pretty good at it while we were dating. We just have to smile and nod and agree with whatever he said last.

Jake: I'm still not sure who the second-best Die Hard villain is, though, you know? Probably Jeremy Irons. But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant, or it could be William Atherton.
Amy: Definitely the last one.
Jake: Right?
[current:]
Amy: No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Jake: I know accepting Teddy's jazz-brunch invite was the only way to get his phone back and save the Nine-Nine, but this place is literally hell.]
Jazz Singer: Eggs Benedict in a lickety split-
Jake: She's doing jazz about brunch. Maybe it's not too late to get out of here. We could start a new life in the country, maybe open a small bookstore.
Amy: How dare you tempt me with a small bookstore. We need to focus.

Amy: And in the chaos, you grab his phone, delete the recording, and we're golden.
Jake: Perfect. All right, let's stage a fake fight. This'll be fun, right? Pretending like we have things to be mad at each other about.
[cut to Jake and Amy at Teddy's table]
Amy: Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness, and the fact that he wasted half the morning deciding what sneakers to wear those are just some of the reasons we're late. No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.

Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Dr. Midj: Okay, let's do some cognitive tests. How good is your memory from before the accident? Do you remember the fireworks?
Jake: Yeah, I remember everything. I remember the whole heist, going to find Charles, the magnet suits.
Amy: Do you remember where you hid the tube?
Jake: Yeah, inside the fake baby.
Amy: Thanks, babe. [handcuffs Jake to the bed]
Jake: Oh, no. It's not the future, is it?
Amy: No, it's only been about 40 minutes? And this isn't a real hospital. [press button]
Jake: You Mission: Impossibled me! Oh, I'm so happy you're not having sex with Teddy!

Jake: Wait, no. No, no, no. This... this isn't really happening. I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream, I'm in control. You know who's gonna walk through that door right now? Bruce Willis.
Teddy: [enters] Jake, you woke up!
Jake: No! Teddy? Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here?
Teddy: Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe?
Amy: Uh.
Jake: Babe? He called you babe. What's going on?
Amy: I'm sorry, I know this is a lot.
Jake: No.
Amy: But the last seven years have been really hard. Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up, and Teddy was a great friend to me. And a couple years ago, we went on a trip.
Teddy: It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa.
Jake: I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy?
Teddy: I could never replace you, Jake. I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life. I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming.
Jake: Hey, doc, can you put me back in the coma?
Dr. Midj: You're agitated, that's normal. Tell me how you're feeling. Pain?
Jake: I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man.
Teddy: Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically.
Jake: That's worse!

Jake: Can I really quickly just say the real reason we were late was that Amy insisted on brushing her teeth for 30 minutes?
Amy: Two minutes or one minute, 58 seconds longer than you did.

Amy: Oh, my God! We did it! I can't believe we did it! Oh, no, we did it. It's over.
Captain Holt: Yes, I agree. [shaking hands] Up, down, separation.
Amy: [quietly] Separation.

Jake: But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight. Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead.
Gina: There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend.
Amy: I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through email. Oh, God, she's just a colleague.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for hand-laminating, Santiago.
Amy: Of course, if you ask me, saving energy is trending. Oh, Gina, didn't see you there.

Jake: But he's not lying, Terry will not be heisting. I had him get a notarized letter that says he legally cannot win.
Amy: You cheated on me with another notary?
Jake: I mean, you're making it sound more intimate than it was. He just embossed something.
Amy: Just embossed? What else are you gonna tell me? Did you just put your thumbprint in his log book?
Jake: Both of them.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: You know what? We'll talk about this later. Moving on.

Amy: And also, yes, we are different people, but I love that about us. I love that Jake's a little messy and that he cares so much about his dumb sneakers and he doesn't get stressed out about calendars.
Jake: Or flossing my teeth.
Amy: No, the non-flossing is crazy.
Jake: Copy that, and I love you.