Amy: Okay, now we're supposed to tell each other a secret no one else knows. I'll go first. I once had a sex dream about Sanjay Gupta.
Captain Holt: This is absurd.
Amy: I know. And it was really graphic.
Captain Holt: No, these exercises. We're not lovers. We're not even friends. We're coworkers. I'm tired of Terry's stupid book.
Sergeant Jeffords: [enters] Scully's book! [exits]

Rosa: How long is the drive up there? I wanna time my edible so it kicks in right when we arrive. [off Amy's look] What?
Amy: Nothing. It's cool. I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
Rosa: All right, you can tell people.
Amy: Good, because I'm a narc.

Amy: Damn it, these blackout curtains don't keep the light out. Ugh! You screwed me on this, Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!
Charles: You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room, it might be the darkness in your heart.
Amy: Excuse me?
Charles: Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic. It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant. Trust me, I'm sort of a natural mother.
Amy: Yeah, natural mother[bleep]. [Rosa laughs] How long have you been there?
Rosa: Oh, man, I have no idea.

Charles: Amy, will you please pass the mini crab cakes?
Amy: Are you sure you can be trusted with something so small and delicate?
Charles: I can tell you're upset, but you should know that I was locked in a room for 16 days as a child, and I turned out just fine.
Amy: No, you didn't. You're a freak!

Jake: Hey, crazy what a good mood Mac is in.
Amy: You mean given the fact that he was locked in a prison by Charles?
Jake: How long did he sleep?
Amy: You mean before he was rescued from the prison he was locked in by Charles?
Jake: I guess.
Amy: Three hours.
Jake: Whoa. What did Charles do?
Amy: You mean besides...
Both: Locking him in a prison.
Jake: Got it. I'll stop asking. Well, whatever he did, I'm loving his mood.
Amy: Whatever.

Charles: Hey, Amy, I wanted to give you this. I made Mac a truffle squash puree. I'm not trying to show you how to do anything, I'm just trying to apologize.
Amy: It's okay, Charles. I actually learned something from you yesterday. Mac has trouble sleeping because I bother him too much. When he was locked in that room no one could check on him, and it was the longest nap he's ever taken. So thank you for the mousse.
Charles: I can't believe you actually took it.
Amy: Of course I took it. You locked my baby in a room, Charles. You're gonna be cooking for him until he goes to college, okay?
Charles: Okay.
Amy: Great, thanks.

Captain Holt: Prong two... Jeffords and Santiago, your job is to keep crime down. Figure out how we police this precinct with no police.
Sergeant Jeffords: Prong two, baby... the best prong.
Jake: I mean, we're all in it together. It's not like this is a competition between prongs.
Amy: Says the prong who breaks the most.

Captain Holt: Let's talk quickly before he returns and makes this all about himself again.
Amy: Okay. We can't use uniforms from other precincts because they'll call out sick, too. So I asked the other captains in the district to lend us some detectives.
Captain Holt: Smart. They have a different union.
Amy: And they each sent us two people. They said they were happy to do it.
Captain Holt: Huh. That's odd. I wouldn't be happy to give up two of my detectives, unless...
Amy: Dear God.
[later:]
Amy: They sent us their Hitchcock-and-Scullys.
Captain Holt: It's a nightmare.

Captain Holt: I'm taking you off the case because you both asked for reduced hours to focus on childcare, and Santiago has her big presentation this week. If our pilot program to reimagine how uniformed officers are deployed gets funded, it will represent a significant reform for the NYPD.
Jake: Sir, we can take care of Mac and still do both of our jobs. Trust me, we've got this whole parenting thing figured out.
Amy: It's true. We're great, and Mac is great. I mean, the only teeny-tiny issue is that he isn't pulling himself up yet, but the window for that is 9 to 12 months. So the fact that he's 10 months old and isn't doing it yet doesn't mean that we're bad parents. [16 minutes later] And I was reading that Simone Biles went straight from crawling to walking. So, yeah, I guess I should be "concerned" that my son is on the same track as a multiple gold medal winner. I mean, get real, sir. [laughs]

Amy: Ugh, damn it. None of our regular babysitters are available. And my parents are out of town, and my brother David can't help because he's in Sudan digging wells for somebody or something... I don't know, I hung up on him.
Jake: My dad's out, too. That's all he said, didn't give a reason.

Amy: My presentation is today, and I am not showing up in a shower cap. [sighs] What are we gonna do?
Jake: There's only one thing left to do. We're gonna blow-dry these sons of bitches straight to hell.
[later:]
Jake: Got to say, worked great. Although I guess my hair took it a little better than yours. And why the glasses?
Amy: Mac knocked my last contacts into the toilet while I was blow-drying.
Jake: Got to hand it to him, it's a solid prank. Although I must say, this look kind of works for you.
Amy: Jake, we don't have time for your nerd fetish. We are so late.

Sergeant Jeffords: How'd it go?
Amy: Good! They liked the thesis, and I was clear on the data. Just one problem... I realized halfway through that these sweatpants are from a bachelorette party I went to, and they say WAP on the butt. I told them it stands for "We All Police."

Amy: And that is why Kristy and the Snobs is the best Baby-Sitters Club Book ever. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes.
Rosa: That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do. [slaps Amy]
Amy: Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs?
Rosa: That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. Slapping's the only way.
Amy: Oh, I think it worked. And I just want to say, what makes Kristy and the Snobs so good is the snobs. [Rosa slaps Amy again] Their names are Tiffany and Shannon, and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind, which is so sad.

Rosa: Okay. I'm calling Holt. This is a failure.
Amy: No, wait, wait. I have an idea.
Rosa: Oh, I bet it's great.
Amy: Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan, they think we all look the same, right? So you dress as Amy. You take my place. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius?
Rosa: That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there. Oh, you're on the floor.

Captain Holt: [answers phone] This is Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk?
Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. What do I do?
Captain Holt: Uh, British accent.
Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.
Captain Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?
Amy: No, he didn't. Me 'usband wasn't set up at all. 'e wasn't, but me big problem now is that me 'usband can't be reached by me telly.
Captain Holt: Please stop talking like that.
Amy: Okay.