Amy: Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me. I'm saying no to a seminar.

Captain Holt: Here, this is for you. It's a grade for your performance these past few days. A letter grade, so as to not be "weird" about it.
Amy: Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have. An "A". Thank you. Just curious, does your system have pluses in it, or is, like, "A" the highest?

Amy: Ooh, we're crossing into Virginia. Virginia is not technically a state, but a commonwealth.
Rosa: Oof, poor Jake.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, we're so happy for you, but we also maybe, kind of already knew. I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
Amy: I just love this box.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.
Amy: I just love this issue.
[flashback:]
Rosa: Hey, why are you wearing that Hazmat suit?
Amy: I just love this look.

Amy: Sir, are you all right?
Captain Holt: I failed you, Santiago. I want my officers to respect the chain of command, but I never want anyone to be so terrified of me that they repress basic emotions. I'm a terrible captain.
Amy: Stop that. You are not a terrible captain.
Captain Holt: Santiago, face facts. I'm garbage.
Amy: No, this is about me and my issues with authority. You've been great.
Captain Holt: Wrong, I've been a disaster.
Amy: I can't believe you would blame yourself for this. How stupid are you?
Captain Holt: So stupid. I'm such a stupid head.
Amy: The fact that you think this has anything to do with you is insane. Do you even-[gasps] Oh, my God, I'm yelling at you.
Captain Holt: Yes, you are. You're in the zone. Keep going.
Amy: Oh, okay. I can't believe you lost my pen. That was careless and rude!
Captain Holt: And?
Amy: And it was a real jerk move!
Captain Holt: Santiago! You did it!
Amy: And I am so sick of you playing your damn classical music in your office all day. It's too loud! We can all hear it!
Captain Holt: Okay, well, this has been-
Amy: You shut your mouth when I'm talking to you.
Captain Holt: Santiago.
Amy: Right, too far. I'm sorry. This is all very new for me.

Amy: Look, it's okay. We all have fears. I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even go into the downstairs supply closet. I hear they have some hot new binder clips, but I'll never know.

Amy: Okay, I've got something.
Jake: Oh. That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
Amy: I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama Printing this for later.
Jake: Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

Captain Holt: It's the "Monty Hall problem." Imagine you're on a game show. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.
Kevin: You're telling it wrong. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car. You pick a door. The host, who knows where the car is, opens a different door, showing you there's nothing behind it. Now the host asks if you'd like to choose the other unopened door. Should you do it?
Captain Holt: No.
Kevin: Yes.
Both: It's simple math.
Captain Holt: It doesn't make any sense to switch. The prize is behind one of two doors. It's a 50/50 chance either way.
Kevin: It's 2/3 if you switch, 1/3 if you don't. The probability locks in when you make the choice. We've been over this eight times.
Captain Holt: Seven times. Now you can't even do simple addition.
Amy: Kevin is right.
Captain Holt: Hmm. You're fired.
Amy: What?
Rosa: Ah!

Captain Holt: As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you out tonight for a thank-you dinner.
Jake: Oh, I would love that, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause Amy and I already have plans. Although I'm pretty sure you would approve.
[later:]
Jake: So this is a brine barrel. It's made by Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned- You know what? This was a terrible idea. I'm sorry.
Amy: Don't you dare stop.
Jake: Oh. Okay. [clears throat] Josiah's cousin Joshua was a cooper, not a hooper.
Amy: Oh, mama.

Amy: Jake, he's a highly decorated detective. He's not gonna be impressed by your sunglass choreography. He's gonna be too distracted by my notebook flip.

Jake: Insult me all you want, for I have only this to say-
Both: Victory shall be mine!
Amy: I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.
Jake: Cool, fun take on our relationship.

Amy: Look, I love campaigning and making signs. Lord knows I have enough poster board at home.

Rosa: I've never met anyone who cares so much about stupid bureaucracy.
Amy: Bureaucracy is not stupid. It's elegant. It's a beautiful puzzle waiting to be cracked. Every rule, every form has its purpose. It all fits together, and when the puzzle is solved and you take a step back and see the big picture, it's like staring into the face of God.

Marge: And you, Santiago, maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
Amy: Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Jake: But, look, I know it seems like everything sucks, but why don't we just get married tomorrow? You know, we won't have a venue or a band or any of our guests, but we could go to city hall.
Amy: Jake, do you really want to get married in the same place people go to get restraining orders?
Jake: Amy Santiago, I would marry you any time, any place. I would marry you in the steaming filth of the Gowanus Canal.
Amy: Sweet. But also, gross.
Jake: I would marry you on the G Train in the summertime when the air conditioning is broken.
Amy: Damn, really?
Jake: I would marry you on top of the Empire State Building.
Amy: Well, that sounds kind of nice.
Jake: During a King Kong attack.
Amy: Oh, yeah, that's not good. Okay. City hall it is.