Amy: Okay, not off to a great start. My mom brought a passive-aggressive turkey and we all saw your dad's penis through his undies.
Jake: What? You did? Why were you looking?
Amy: No, I wasn't. It all happened so fast.

Jake: Yes, but no, what I was referring to was the fact that your mom brought her own hand towels. As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing they had guests coming over?
Amy: Did she?
Jake: No, you don't have to. They're only touched by freshly cleaned hands. They never get dirty.
Amy: Wow. The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree.
Jake: Did you just call my mom a tree?
Amy: I called her an unhygienic tree.
Jake: Wow.

Dr. Ronald Yee: Where's your friend? Shouldn't he be here for the plaster removal?
Captain Holt: Something came up, so he had to remove the mask, which came off quite easily, and run out.
Amy: It was urgent police business. Bunch of kids are being held hostage, so he had to go deal with that.
Dr. Ronald Yee: Oh, well, if you need to leave to provide him with backup-
Captain Holt: No, it's a teachable moment.
Amy: The children can handle themselves.

Amy: From now on, I'm gonna be super chill. So, where's the party at? Trick question. The party's right here, boy! Oh, hello, Mrs. McGintley. My condolences for your loss.

Jake: Can we go in? Can we pay our respects?
Amy: Ooh, our flight leaves in 3 and a half hours, and but it's like, what is time even? #LegalizeIt.

Amy: Anyway, she's the only person that can figure this out. She understands the bureaucracy on a level that we mortals can't even fathom.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy? Amy? Amy, where'd you go?
Amy: Down here. I let the pile take me.

My biggest flaw is I care too much what you think of me. I should be more confident in my own judgment. And I'm so sure of that that I don't even care if you think I'm right. Evaluation over. Enjoy your soup.

Amy: Anyway, our first order of business will be updating the filing system, so
Gary Jennings: We should use barcodes.
Amy: No, no, no, no. No need to jump in. I already have a system in mind.
Gary Jennings: Okay, well you just keep stopping, so I thought-
Amy: Uh, to pour water. Because I'm thirsty.
Gary Jennings: Got it. Great.
Amy: Now, let's get into the details of this with- Oh, my God! What, Gary?
Gary Jennings: You're spilling water everywhere.
Amy: Yes, I am. Because our first order of business is cleaning this floor.

Captain Holt: So how did your first briefing go, Sergeant? Did you give the squad a simple goal?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.
Captain Holt: Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.
Amy: Mm.
Captain Holt: I assume it's been a success?
Amy: Oh, yes. It's been all types of successes. Rousing, resounding, smashing.

Jake: So, what I actually meant was, we should probably talk about the whole handcuffs at the airport thing.
Kate Peralta: I know. I'm so sorry. That was a really bad first impression.
It's just, I was on the plane and started to get really nervous about meeting you for the first time.
Jake: I was nervous to meet you too. My butt got hella sweaty. I told Amy. You can ask her.
Amy: Please don't.

Kate Peralta: Anyway, that's my boring life in Dallas. But I'm here now, and I want to see the real New York. Let's like-
Amy: Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge?
Kate Peralta: Get tanked at the Times Square Olive Garden. And get our pictures taken with a human statue.
Amy: Right. The real New York.

Jake: Look, she's a survivor. She's had a really hard life. And I thought it bad 'cause I would only see my dad for like an afternoon once a year, but compared to her, I was a real DJ Tanner. "Full House". Her dad was always around.
Amy: Yeah, I've seen "Full House".

Jake: Right. Wait, I've got it. The only reason Kate wants to move here is because Kurt dumped her, but what if we can get him to take her back? Then she would definitely want to stay in Dallas!
Amy: Ooh, that's smart, but what if he's a rational person and he doesn't want to be with her anymore?
Jake: Not a problem. I found his Facebook page. He just posted a black and white photo of a dead flower with the hashtags "my heart," "Kate forever" and "love is dead.
Amy: He misses her for some reason.

Jake: Amy, this is it. He clearly already wants to get back together. All we have to do is convince him to fly here.
Amy: Jake, this might work.
Jake: Yes! But are we actually gonna do this? Are we really going to fly a man to New York City just to ensure that my new sister doesn't move here?
Kate Peralta: Hey, Amy, do you have a morning-after pill I could bomb? I will get you back.
Amy: Use. My. Miles.