Amy: He's a ruthless killer who built a meth empire. We were tracking him for weeks, but he kept getting away.
Rosa: Finally, we cornered him in a warehouse. Every exit was covered and he just vanished. Then he sent us a postcard from Paraguay a year later just to taunt us. It was diabolical.
Amy: Yeah, it was full of grammar errors and other taunts that normal people care about.

Amy: I'm just gonna call and cancel. I really don't want to have dinner with my mom fawning all over the golden boy.
Rosa: I'm sure your mom loves you both equally.
Jake: No, she definitely doesn't.
Amy: My parents arrange the photos of their kids by who makes them the proudest. Number one goes on the mantel above the fireplace, two through four on the piano, and the rest are on the staircase.
Rosa: This is wack. So David's on the mantel?
Amy: Always. Meanwhile, my picture gathers dust on the piano.
Rosa: The piano's not that bad.
Amy: Nobody in the family even plays, Rosa. At least people use the stairs.

Jake: Okay, you ready?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: Hello.
Amy: Oh, my God. Are you Melvil Dewey?
Jake: Indeed I am. I invented the Dewey decimal system, but right now I'm working on the Do-me decimal system.
Amy: Mm-hmm, yeah. This is really working for me.
Jake: Really?
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: Awesome.
Amy: So, Mr. Dewey, can you save me from the terrorists that have taken over Nakatomi Plaza?
Jake: Yes, Holly Gennaro, I just need to file them in the library card catalog.
Amy: Yeah, this is really hard to track. Let's just take our clothes off.
Jake: Oh, thank God. This old jacket is so hot.

Amy: Jake, Karen is a grown woman with a pretty respectable credit score. I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
Jake: Amy, I know that you have a binder, but you don't know her like I do. She's too trusting for her own good. She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Scully.
Amy: She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams?
Jake: 20? That's insane. No, she's fallen for 2. Scully's fallen for 20?
Amy: Yeah.

Amy: A 300 call number in the fine arts section? What is this, Beirut?
Debbie: You know, you don't work here. You don't have to reshelve the books.
Amy: Well, someone has to. I'm so sorry. I'm just really stressed out. You're a great librarian, and I'm sure you're not the one who shelved this section.
Debbie: I am.
Amy: God, Debbie, what is going on with you?

Jake: Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life with a babysitter, she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica, and she always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want.
Amy: How old are you in this scenario?

Amy: Ugh, there are silver butt prints everywhere. Why did he need to paint his butt? He wears pants.

Amy: Fraud dog! Fraud dog! Fraud dog!
Rosa: Juice Ellen! Juice Ellen!
Amy: Fraud dog!

Amy: I wish I had taken the LSATs. Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test.
Rosa: Dude, you're bumming us out.

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?
Jake: I can't let you quit.
Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
Jake: Wuh-oh.
Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God. Why is Captain Holt here?
Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard?
Amy: I am.
Jake: For sexy reasons?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Oh, boy.

Amy: But then I relaxed, and I found my inner strength. I think the lesson here is that, as women, we- (Rosa tries to close the trunk) No, no, no, no! You close that trunk again and I will kill you! You hear me? I will kill you!

Amy: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

Amy: I wish I could go back to middle school knowing what I know now. I'd be so cool. And I'd get to retake all the tests, and update some book reports.

Amy: Captain Holt? This can't be real. Someone please see him before I punch myself in the face.

Amy: What's going on, Jake?
Jake: In one week, you will officially become a sergeant. Which means this case will be the last one we ever work together as detectives, so it has to be perfect. I present to you a serial arson case.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: And the fires seem to be connected to the Saturday crossword puzzle.
Amy: Mama like.
Jake: Two different buildings, two consecutive Saturdays, and a puzzle left at each crime scene, and a note was sent to the puzzle's author, Mr.
Melvin Stermley.
Amy: Melvin Stermley? He's the best in the game! He made a puzzle once where all the answers were just the word "puzzle" in different languages. In Estonian, it was moistatus.
Jake: Yeah, well, your moistatus is about to be hecka moist - Don't call HR, we are getting married - because Melvin Stermley is coming in to help us with the case!
Amy: Sha-wing!