Amy: Oh, can you at least put her on a leash?
Brian: She's a medical professional. Okay? Would you keep a doctor on a leash?
Amy: That dog does not help you with your foot pain. You just want an excuse to bring her everywhere! Your dog is a fraud. Fraud dog!

Dr. Ronald Yee: The flies don't sense blood. They're just regular flies.
Amy: But, Dr. Yee, you can't be a fraud. You gave a TED Talk.

Amy: Huh? No, I wasn't listening to either of you. Look who's in Captain Holt's office.
Jake: Who that lady?
Amy: You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Laverne Holt.
Charles: Captain Holt's mom.
Jake: The creator.
Amy: Widowed at age 39, Laverne Kinnebrew Holt single-handedly raised two children and still managed to become one of the first black, female federal judges.
Jake: Wow, someone read her Wikipedia page.
Amy: No, Jake, I wrote it.

Amy: I get that there's always been tension between uniformed officers and detectives, but Rosa is one of the good guys. I'm sure she knows your name.
Della: You clearly just texted her the answer.
Rosa: No, she didn't, Della Avocado.
Della: It's Alvarado.
Amy: Stupid auto-correct.

Charles: It's for the turkey, so I can chop its head off when it gets here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Chop its head off?
Charles: I ordered a live turkey. It's being delivered. Because you know what they say: The yummiest turkey is the one that just died in your hands.
Gina: Charles, you can't kill an animal in here. That's horrible. It's disgusting. We won't let you do it, right, Amy?
Amy: It's getting late. Don't make a mess.

Jake: Okay, well, I don't want to get mad right now, 'cause Amy's worried about you, so-
Amy: No, screw that noise. How dare you call Jake selfish? He just wasted his entire honeymoon trying to take care of you while you wallowed in your misery like a little baby.
Captain Holt: That seems a little harsh.
Amy: Oh, does it? I don't give a hoot.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: For the last five years, all I've done is give a hoot about you and what you think. I gave a hoot about you as a boss. I gave a hoot about you as a mentor. I gave a hoot about you as a friend.
Jake: She gave so many hoots.
Amy: Not anymore. After the way you've acted and what you just said to Jake, I don't give a hoot, what you think, and I really don't give a hoot if you decide to quit the NYPD, so do it. I'm all out of hoots. I'm hootless.

Rosa: Hiring him to play his own party is straight-up brilliant.
Amy: Yep, because everything he does is a prank on himself.
Rosa: Wow, you're an evil genius. Next time I want to hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you.
Amy: Aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Amy: Remember when you set off the witch? You made Captain Holt flinch, which was weird, since his door was closed. But not weird, since he actually heard it over a bug he planted at your desk.
It was in an old muffin that you never threw in the trash.
Jake: That's why people throw away garbage.
Amy: How are we together?

Jake: So I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map. You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob.
Amy: This looks great. Confirms Devon's story. He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob.

Amy: Charles, you're going so fast.
Charles: I don't have a choice. We can't let this place fill up with perps.
Amy: Yeah, but you're gonna cramp.
Charles: (chuckling) Are you kidding, baby? I've been cramping for the past 20 minutes.
Amy: I'm so attracted to you right now.

Jake: All right here we go, approaching the mail. Stay cool, and doink. Now we've just got to find a private place to look at these. Through here to the guest bath. [opens door] Ahh!
Amy: Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not gonna work for you. Gimme the mail. You just chaperoned, O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Captain Holt: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding. Whatever. We need to figure out a way to get her off our tail.
Amy: Good luck with that.
Jake: Aah!

Amy: We don't know no secret. You be crazy. I always talk like this. Down in Kokomo.

Amy: No offense, Scully, but you can't be good or bad at jigsaw puzzles. It's just putting shapes together. There's no strategy or reasoning, or logic-
Scully: Look, I got half a page!
Amy: He is the one.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, you know why you didn't get into SAM-SAM?
Amy: Probably because I used a modern format on my cover letter that put my email above my home address. Why take such a risk?

Jake: Anyhow, will there be a new champion crowned this year, or will I become the first ever three-time winner, building on my glorious victories in heists one and five?
Amy: You didn't win the fifth heist. I did when you proposed to me.
Captain Holt: I won that year. You ended up with a modified version of the cummerbund, and you only got that because you slept your way into it.
Amy: Sorry, sir, that no one here wants to bone you, you dusty, old skeleton.
Captain Holt: Whoa!